“In Milwaukee last month a man died laughing over one of his own jokes. That's what makes it so tough for us outsiders. We have to fight home competition.” MenHomeHumorFunnyLastsFightingLaughingMonthsJokesToughDiedCompetitionOutsidersMilwaukee Book:The Benchley Roundup Source: The Benchley Roundup
“I bought myself a parrot, but it did not say "I'm hungry", and so it died.” HumorFunnyDiedHungryParrots Author:Mitch Hedberg
“That's why I'm glad Jesus died when he did. Because if he lived to be 40, he would have ended up like Elvis. He was famous already at that point. If he lived to be 40, he'd be walking around Jerusalem with a big fat beer gut and black side burns going, Damn, I'm the son of God. Give me a cheeseburger and french fries right now.” IfsGivingHumorBigsFunnyJesusSidesBlackSonWalkingRight NowGive MeDiedGladFatsBeerDamnGutsJerusalemFriesFrench FriesCheeseburger Author:Denis Leary
“About a month before he died, my grandfather, we covered his back full of lard - after that he went downhill very quickly.” HumorFunnyMonthsDiedCoveredGrandfatherMy GrandfatherLard Author:Milton Jones
“My uncle Jimmy took liver salts twice a day for 40 years. He died on Sunday, was buried Wednesday and the following Friday they had to go to the cemetery to beat his liver to death with a stick.” YearsHumorFunnyBeatsDiedSticksFollowingSundayBuriedSaltUnclesFridayJimmyCemeteryLiverWednesday Author:Frank Carson
“My dog of 17 years just died. Oh you're kidding?... Noooo... as funny as that is, I'm not” YearsHumorFunnyDogDiedMy Dog Author:Ellen DeGeneres
“Let me ask you a question. How long is too long to text someone back? My wife still thinks I died in 9/11.” ThinkingLongStillsHumorFunnyAsksWifeLet MeDiedMy Wife Author:Frankie Boyle
“I think the reason Jesus is so popular, just on a celebrity level, is that he died at the peak of his career.” ThinkingReasonHumorFunnyJesusLevelsCareersDied Author:Marc Maron
“Do you remember that kid that had sex with his high school teacher? I was reading online that he died today. He died from hi-fiveing.” HumorKidsTodaySchoolFunnyRememberReadingSexTeacherHigh SchoolDiedOnlineSchool TeachersHigh School Teachers Author:Zach Galifianakis
“As soon as you lay down, that's when the most bizarre things start coming out of her mouth. 'Goodnight, baby.' 'Do you think we were together in a past life?' 'Yeah, and I died of sleep deprivation. Go to bed.' 'Don't you feel like we're soul...'” ThinkingFeelsSoulHumorFunnyTogetherPastSleepBabyBedMouthsDiedYeahLaysComing OutBizarreDeprivationPast LifeSleep Deprivation Author:Adam Ferrara