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Humor Quotes

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Humor Quotes

“Someone did a study of the three most-often-heard phrases in New York City. One is "Hey taxi." Two is "What train do I take to get to Bloomingdales?" And three is "Don't worry, it's only a flesh wound.”

Two Humor Funny Three Cities Worry Study Heard New York Train Flesh Wounds Hey Phrases New York City Taxi

Author:David Letterman

“I like when they say a movie is inspired by a true story. That's kind of silly. "Hey, Mitch, did you hear that story about that lady who drove her car into the lake with her kids and they all drowned?" "Yeah, I did, and you know what - that inspires me to write a movie about a gorilla!"”

Knows Writing Kind Stories Humor Kids Funny Car Inspire Yeah Inspired Silly Hey Lakes True Story Gorillas

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“If I was a mechanic and someone called me and said their car would not start, I would say, "Hey - maybe a killer is after you!"”

Ifs Said Humor Funny Car Hey Killers Mechanic

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I was at a bar, and this guy bumped into me, and he did not apologize, and he said, "Move!" I thought that was rude, so I said, "Go to hell!" Then I started to run. He caught up to me. He had a mustache, a goatee, a pair of earrings, sunglasses, a ponytail and he was wearing a hat. He said, "Hey, you got a lot of nerve!" I said, "Hey, you got a lot of... cranium accessories!"”

Said Humor Running Funny Moving Guy Hell Caught Bars Hey Hats Pairs Nerves Apologizing Rude Caught Up This Guy Accessories Go To Hell Sunglasses Mustache Hey You Earrings Ponytails

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I like to wear a "Do Not Disturb" sign around my neck so that little kids can't tell me knock-knock jokes. "Hey, how ya doin'? Knock-knock." "Read the sign, punk!"”

Littles Humor Kids Funny Jokes Hey Necks Punk Little Kid

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow anything. Hey, how about some celery? Plus, if I tore your legs off, you would look like snowmen.”

Ifs Looks Humor Funny Grows Legs Hey Plus Farms Ants Fellas Snowman Celery

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I like the public hot-tub at the hotels. I like when a guy is already in there, I say, "Hey, do you mind if I join you?" Then I go turn the heat up, and I add some carrots and onions.”

Ifs Mind Humor Funny Guy Turns Hot Add Hey Heat Hotel Onions Carrots Tubs Hot Tub

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“Swiss cheese is the only cheese you can draw and people can identify. You can draw American cheese, but someone will think it's cheddar. It's the only cheese you can bite and miss. "Hey Mitch - does that sandwich have cheese on it?" "Every now and then!"”

People Thinking Doe Humor Funny Missing Draws Hey Bites Now And Then Cheese Sandwiches Swiss Cheddar Swiss Cheese

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“Every time I walk by a spy shop, I think that I need to put some surveillance on somebody. Rick's been acting fishy! I need to buy a safe that looks like a Spray 'N Wash can. "Hey, Mitch, can I use the Spray 'N Wash?" "Yeah, if you want to spray your shirt with documents!"”

Ifs Thinking Want Needs Looks Use Humor Funny Walks Acting Safe Yeah Hey Shirts Shops Documents Spy Surveillance Spray Fishy

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“AT&T is now offering a new service that allows you to pay your bills through your TV screen by using your remote control. So instead of saying, "The check's in the mail," people are going to say, "Hey, I wanted to pay, but I couldn't find the remote."”

People Humor Wanted Funny Pay Tvs Bills Screens Checks Hey Mail Offering Remote Control

Author:Jay Leno

“You'd got a baseball game, or a football game, basketball game, "USA! USA! USA!" Hey, calm down! Got a little German on it, don't you think?”

Thinking Littles Humor Funny Games Football Basketball Baseball Calm Hey Usa Football Game Baseball Games Calm Down Basketball Game

Author:Chris Rock

“One of my favorite clothing patterns is camouflage. Because when you're in the woods it makes you blend in. But when you're not it does just the opposite. It's like, 'Hey, there's an asshole.'”

Doe Humor Funny Opposites My Favorite Patterns Woods Hey Clothings Camouflage

Author:Demetri Martin

“I'm the youngest, too. When you're the youngest of a big family, people are like, "You're the baby, you're spoiled!" The fact of the matter is, when you're the youngest of a big family, by the time you're a teenager, your parents are insane. You're like, "Hey, I'm going roller-skating-" "You're not going roller-skating or you'll end up pregnant like your sister. Why don't you smoke pot and become a lawyer?"”

People Ends Matter Facts Humor Bigs Funny Parent Like You Baby Lawyer Insane Hey Smoke Teenager Pot Pregnant Spoiled Skating Big Families Roller Skating

Author:Jim Gaffigan

“You ever get a postcard, you get so excited you don't even read it! "Hey I got a - who cares."”

Humor Care Funny Excited Hey Who Cares Postcards

Author:Jim Gaffigan

“That's why when I send a postcard I quiz people. "Hey, did you get that postcard?" "Yeah, yeah yeah." "Well what'd I say?" "Uh, you were havin-" "I was in jail"”

People Wells Humor Funny Yeah Hey Jail Postcards Quiz Yeah Yeah Yeahs

Author:Jim Gaffigan

“Every now and then I'll read a book, I'll be so proud of myself, I'll try and squeeze it into conversation. People will be like, "Hey Jim, how ya do-" "I read a book! Two hundred and fifty pages!" "That's great, what was it about?" "No idea! Took me three years!"”

People Trying Years Two Book Ideas Humor Funny Three Proud Conversation Pages Hundred Hey No Idea Fifty Three Years Now And Then Proud Of Myself

Author:Jim Gaffigan

“I'm just saying, 'Hey, throw me a bone. How about a smile, cute t-shirt? Look at me.' Nothing - unless it's a turn to their friends to go, 'Hey, why is that weird guy looking at us?'”

Looks Humor Funny Guy Turns Bones Hey Cute Shirts Look At Me T Shirt Just Saying

Author:Marc Maron

“There's this whole post-modern, nuevo beatnik, retro-bohemian thing going on, you know what I mean? You walk into some coffee shops, and it feels like you're an ex-patriot in Paris in the 20s. You're like, 'Hey, isn't that a young Ernest Hemingway over there? Yeah, I think it is! Hey, let's go have a look and see what he's writing... It's a Gap application.'”

Thinking Knows Feels Writing Looks Mean Whole Humor Funny Young Walks Modern Like You Yeah Coffee Hey Posts Paris Shops Gaps Application Patriot Exes Bohemian Coffee Shop Retro Beatnik

Author:Marc Maron

“A man in the crowd asks: Hey Rodney, how'd you get started? Rodney: I was 12 years old, alone in my room, and I got started!”

Men Years Humor Funny Asks Rooms Crowds Hey

Author:Rodney Dangerfield

“I'll tell ya, I don't get no respect... The other day, I got back from a business trip. I got in a cab and said to the driver, "Hey! Take me to where the action is!" So ya know where he took me? He took me to my house!”

Knows Said Humor Action Funny House Hey Drivers Take Me Cab No Respect Business Trips

Author:Rodney Dangerfield

“I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.”

Humor Funny Doors Fronts Hey Sponges Front Doors

Book:The (Not Quite) Biggest Ever Tim Vine Joke Book: Children's Edition

Source: The (Not Quite) Biggest Ever Tim Vine Joke Book: Children's Edition

“Man went into a bar, he only had one arm. Guy sitting next to him said 'Hey, you've got your sleeve in my drink', man replied, 'There's no arm in it'”

Men Said Humor Funny Guy Next Arms Drink Sitting Bars Hey Sleeves Hey You

Author:Tommy Cooper

“As we're staggering out of the hospital, I don't remember doing this because I was still high, but apparently I turned to the entire operating room staff and screamed "Hey! I'd better not see this on YouTube!"”

Stills Humor Funny Remember Rooms Hey Hospitals Staff Youtube Staggering Operating Room

Author:Bill Engvall

“I thought, Hey, maybe these people shouldn't be making up holidays to drink more. Maybe if they drank less they might be able to title their newspaper articles more specifically. For example, I would title this last article "Drunk Driver Hits Drunk Walker Drunkety-Drunk I'm So Drunk."”

People Ifs Humor Might Able Funny Lasts Example Drink Newspapers Drunk Hey Titles Holiday Drivers Articles Drank Making Up Walkers

Book:Sleepwalk with Me: and Other Painfully True Stories

Source: Sleepwalk with Me: and Other Painfully True Stories