“If you have wit, use it to please and not to hurt: you may shine like the sun in the temperate zones without scorching.” IfsMayUseHumorHurtSunPleaseShiningWitZoneScorching Book:Lord Chesterfield's Letters Source: Lord Chesterfield's Letters
“And some needs and hurts are so deep they will only respond to a mentor's touch or a pastor's prayer. Church and charity, synagogue and mosque, lend our communities their humanity, and they will have an honored place in our plans and laws.” NeedsHumorLawPoliticalHumanityCommunityHurtChurchPrayerPlansCharityMentorPastorHonoredOur CommunityPolitical HumorMosquesSynagogue Author:George W. Bush
“Many demons are in woods, in waters, in wildernesses, and in dark poolly places ready to hurt...people.” PeopleHumorWaterHurtReligiousDarkReadyWoodsDemonWildernessBlack Clouds Author:Martin Luther
“My sister just had a baby, a little newborn. The kid is adorable, so cute. She wouldn't let me hold him, she refuses. She says, 'No way, Anthony, I'm afraid you're gonna drop him.' I'm 32 years old. Like I'm some kind of idiot. Like I don't have a million other ways to hurt that baby.” WayYearsKindLittlesHumorKidsFunnyHurtMillionsBabyLet MeRefuseIdiotCuteMy SisterAdorableNewborn Author:Anthony Jeselnik
“When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.” HumorFunnyHurtMouthsIt HurtsGerms Author:Mitch Hedberg
“Where I come from, they won't let me play with this rope. They think I might hurt myself.” ThinkingPlayHumorMightFunnyHurtLet MeRope Author:Will Rogers
“I tried to like it. For me, it was like being smacked around the head by a piece of IKEA furniture: it hurts, but you've got to admire the workmanship.” HumorFunnyHurtPiecesAdmireIt HurtsFurnitureWorkmanshipIkea Author:Bill Bailey
“I have always tried to use humor to "help ever" and "hurt never," for I find that to laugh is like swallowing a secret that Santa Claus farted.” HelpingUseHumorFunnyHurtSecretLaughingSantaSanta ClausSwallowing Author:David Cross
“Kids, they are always hurting themselves. It's like, "Quick, get me to casualty quick!" while your doing something important like sitting down picking your ear.” ImportantHumorKidsFunnyHurtSittingEarsSitting DownCasualties Author:Dylan Moran
“I feel very very old. My hair hurts. I have buttocks all over my body and I can't even smoke properly any more. I don't have lungs, I just have two poppadoms in here.” FeelsI CanTwoBodyHumorFunnyHurtHairSmokeLungsButtocks Author:Dylan Moran
“If you are an adult, and you are planning to dress up on Halloween... don't. I will find you. I will hurt you.” IfsHumorFunnyHurtAdultsDressesPlanningHalloween Author:Lewis Black
“I woke up my pop in the middle of the night 'cause the boogie man's under my bed. My pop is this big, huge man, nothing can hurt him. I went running into his bedroom like, 'Daddy, Daddy, the boogie man's under the bed!' Pop opens one eye, he's like, 'Is the boogie man bigger than me?' 'Well, no Daddy, he's not.' 'Well, you got your choice: you can deal with the boogie man or you can deal with me.'” MenWellsHumorBigsEyeRunningFunnyNightChoicesCausesHurtDealsMiddleHugeBedBiggerPopsBedroomDaddyMiddle Of The NightBoogie Author:Adam Ferrara
“I took my father on a coach trip last summer.We were halfway there when the driver lost control of the coach, it flew down a hill around a bend and crashed through a brick wall. I wasn't hurt but luckily my father had the presence of mind to kick my head in.” MindHumorFunnyLastsFatherLostHurtWallSummerCoachesHillsKicksDriversBricksHalfwayFlewBrick WallLast SummerPresence Of MindHalfway There Author:Chic Murray