Best humor & seems Quotes | Short & Famous Sayings

“The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly greater than that of any other animal. Some of their most esteemed inventions have no other apparent purpose - for example, the dinner party of more than two, the epic poem, and the science of metaphysics.”

Humans Two Humor Seems Funny Purpose Human Beings Animal Party Greater Example Capacity Dinner Invention Boredom Bores Epic Metaphysics Dinner Party Epic Poems

Book:Minority Report

Source: Minority Report

“Personally I don't spend much time thinking about being funny. For me it's always been just a way to get by, a way to be likable yet to remain removed. When I speak up, it's not because I have any particular answers; rather, I have a desire to puncture the pretentiousness of those who seem so certain they do.”

Thinking Way Humor Seems Desire Certain Speak Answers Particular Being Funny Pretentiousness Puncture

Book:Bachelor Girls

Source: Bachelor Girls

“They said, "You know, this issue doesn't seem to resignate with the people." And I said, you know something? Whether it resignates or not doesn't matter to me, because I stand for doing what's the right thing, and what the right thing is hearing the voices of people who work.”

People Knows Said Matter Humor Seems Political Voice Issues Hearing Right Thing They Said Political Humor

Author:George W. Bush

“The Devil can so completely assume the human form, when he wants to deceive us, that we may well lie with what seems to be a woman, of real flesh and blood, and yet all the while 'tis only the Devil in the shape of a woman. 'Tis the same with women, who may think that a man is in bed with them, yet 'tis only the Devil; and...the result of this connection is oftentimes an imp of darkness, half mortal, half devil.”

Thinking Men Want Humans Wells May Real Humor Seems Form Lying Religious Results Half Darkness Blood Shapes Bed Devil Connections Assuming Flesh Mortals Deceiving Flesh And Blood Human Form

Author:Martin Luther

“We may well lie with what seems to be a woman of flesh and blood, and yet all the time it is only a devil in the shape of a woman.”

Wells May Humor Seems Lying Religious Blood Shapes Devil Flesh Flesh And Blood

Author:Martin Luther

“I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add "er".”

Want Doe Humor Seems Funny Jobs Easy Add Kitchen Refrigerators Appliances Toasters Blenders

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“You know when you go into a restaurant, and it gets busy and they start a waiting list, and they start calling out names, "DuFresnes, party of two." They say again, "DuFresnes, party of two." But then if no one answers, they'll just go to the next name, "Bush, party of three." Yeah, but what happened to the DuFresnes? No one seems to care. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing! And they're hungry! That's a double whammy! "Bush, search party of three!" You can eat once you find the DuFresnes!”

People Ifs Knows Two Humor Seems Care Funny Three Next Names Waiting Answers Party Happened Missing Calling Yeah Busy Lists Hungry Restaurants

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“There was a product on late night TV that you could attach to your garden hose - "You can water your hard-to-reach plants with this." Who would make their plants hard to reach? That seems so very mean. I know you need water, but I'm going to make you hard to reach. "Think like a cactus!"”

Thinking Knows Needs Mean Hard Humor Seems Funny Night Water Tvs Products Late Garden Plant Late Night Very Mean Cactus

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“Nothing is like it seems, but everything is exactly like it is.”

Humor Seems Funny

Author:Yogi Berra

“I didn't notice him coming, but he didn't seem to be looking for an autograph signature”

Humor Seems Funny Signatures Autographs

Author:George Harrison

“I'm a - I'm a, um, a godmother which is just, that's fun to be a godmother, she is so precious, she's the light of my life, she's two... or five or something, and she's, uh... I don't know, I've never seen her - the pictures are precious, she just seems so, y'know... She lives clear across town, I don't have that kind of time, but, um... Well, I send money and stuff, it's not like I don't have a connection...”

Knows Wells Kind Two Humor Light Seems Funny Fun Stuff Clear Five Connections Towns Godmother Light Of My Life

Author:Ellen DeGeneres

“It seems amazing that the Navy SEALs managed to get inside the compound and shoot Osama so efficiently. I can only imagine they were told that the mission was to rescue a bearded British hostage and he must be brought out alive.”

I Can Humor Seems Funny Alive Imagine Missions British Rescue Navy Compounds Seals Hostage Navy Seal

Author:Frankie Boyle

“God doesn't seem to talk to people like he used to. Who's he talking to now? I don't know. Then I'm walking down the street in Manhattan one day, and I realize maybe it's those guys you see walking down the street talking to themselves. You know, those guys that are like, 'I can't! No, I can't!' Maybe the other side of that conversation is God going, 'You're the new leader.' 'No I can't!' They're not crazy - they're reluctant prophets.”

People Knows I Can Humor Seems Funny Used Guy Sides Realizing Talking Leader Crazy Streets Walking One Day Conversation Prophet Manhattan Reluctant

Author:Marc Maron

“Since so many people these days don't seem to start their families until around age forty, I predict there will be less child beating, but more slipped disks from lifting babies out of cribs. Even the father of advanced age who's not inclined to spare the rod is likely to suffer more than his victim: The first punch he throws might well be the last straw for his rotator cuff, reducing his disciplinary options to mere verbal abuse and napping.”

Source: The Bedwetter: Stories of Courage, Redemption, and Pee

“A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's ... um ... well ... I have five penises." replies the man. "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove."”

Men Wells Problem Humor Seems Funny Asks Walks Five He Man Fit Office Doctors Gloves Trousers

Author:Tommy Cooper

“I'm a big fan of pastries the size of a baby that contain enough calories for a year. That seems like an effective use of time.”

Years Enough Use Humor Bigs Seems Funny Fans Baby Size Calories Pastries Use Of Time

Book:Sleepwalk with Me: and Other Painfully True Stories

Source: Sleepwalk with Me: and Other Painfully True Stories

“College seems like a pretty expensive way to become an alcoholic.”

Way Humor Seems Funny College Expensive Alcoholics

Author:Natasha Leggero

“Why does every flight attendant seem like they are going through a divorce?”

Doe Humor Seems Funny Divorce Flight Going Through Divorce Flight Attendant

Author:Natasha Leggero

“Don't get me wrong. I like Disney World. The rest rooms are clean enough for neurosurgery, and the employees say things like "Howdy, folks!" and actually seem to mean it. You wonder: Where do they get these people? My guess: 1952. I think old Walt realized, way back then, that there would eventually be a shortage of cheerful people, so he put all the residents of south western Nebraska into a giant freezer with a huge picture of Jiminy Cricket on the outside, and the corporation has been thawing them out as needed ever since.”

Source: Dave Barry Talks Back

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