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Humor Quotes

Browse 16077 quotes about Humor.

Humor Quotes

“Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo.”

Men Humor Funny Black Walks Party Clothings Embarrassed Another Man Tuxedos

Author:Rita Rudner

“On this National Day of Prayer and Remembrance, we ask almighty God to watch over our nation, and grant us patience and resolve in all that is to come. We pray that He will comfort and console those who now walk in sorrow. We thank Him for each life we now must mourn, and the promise of a life to come.”

Humor Political Asks Nations Prayer Walks Watches Praying Sorrow Comfort Promise Resolve Grants Almighty Remembrance Mourn Console Political Humor Almighty God National Day Of Prayer

Author:George W. Bush

“I understand religion is a walk, it's a journey. And I fully recognize that I'm a sinner, just like you.”

Humor Political Walks Journey Like You Sinner Political Humor

Author:George W. Bush

“My whole family thinks I'm gay, I guess it's always been that way. Maybe it's 'cause of the way that I walk, Makes them think I like... boys.”

Thinking Way Whole Humor Funny Causes Walks Boys Gay Whole Family Like A Boy

Author:Bo Burnham

“I tried to walk into Target, but I missed. I think the entrance to Target should have people splattered all around.”

People Thinking Should Humor Funny Walks Should Have Target Entrances

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“My manager said, "Don't use liquor as a crutch!" I can't use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk.”

Said I Can Helping Use Humor Funny Walks Managers Help Me Liquor Crutches

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“Every time I walk by a spy shop, I think that I need to put some surveillance on somebody. Rick's been acting fishy! I need to buy a safe that looks like a Spray 'N Wash can. "Hey, Mitch, can I use the Spray 'N Wash?" "Yeah, if you want to spray your shirt with documents!"”

Ifs Thinking Want Needs Looks Use Humor Funny Walks Acting Safe Yeah Hey Shirts Shops Documents Spy Surveillance Spray Fishy

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I walked by a dry cleaner at 3 am, and there was a sign: "Sorry, we're closed" You don't have to be sorry, it's 3 am, and you're a dry cleaner! It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open! I'm not gonna walk in at 10 am and say "I walked by here at 3 and you were closed - somebody owes me an apology!"”

Humor Would Be Funny Walks Sorry Ridiculous Dry Apology Cleaners Dry Cleaners

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“You walk into the locker room, and you see players with their ripping muscles and stomachs you could wash your clothes in.”

Humor Funny Walks Rooms Player Clothes Baseball Muscles Lockers Locker Room

Author:Jerry Coleman

“Templeton is as hot as you can be and still walk!”

Stills Humor Funny Walks Baseball Hot

Author:Jerry Coleman

“I think they should make Twilight closets and all the cast members can walk out of them.”

Thinking Should Humor Funny Walks Members Casts Twilight Closets Cast Members

Author:Chelsea Handler

“A horse walks into a bar, and the barman says "Why the long face?". The horse replies: "I'm deeply troubled by the anthropomorphic aspects of my existence and the extent to which I am now protected by law."”

Long Humor Funny Faces Law Walks Existence Aspect Horse Bars Protected Barmen

Author:Bill Bailey

“I saw a charity appeal in the Guardian the other day, and it read "Little Zuki has to walk 13 miles a day just to fetch water". And I couldn't help thinking, she should move.”

Thinking Should Littles Helping Humor Funny Moving Water Walks Saws Charity Miles Appeals Guardian Fetch

Author:Jimmy Carr

“Once I was doing a sponsored walk. In the end I managed to raise so much money, I could afford a taxi.”

Ends Humor Funny Walks Raises Taxi

Author:Jimmy Carr

“A man walks into a pet shop and says: "Give me a wasp." The shopkeeper replies: "We don't sell wasps." He says: "There's one in the window."”

Men Giving Humor Funny Walks Window Give Me Sells Shops Pet Wasps Shopkeepers

Author:Frank Carson

“A man walks into a hospital feeling unwell and the doctor says: "Sorry, you've only got three minutes to live." The man said: "Can you do something for me?" "Yes," he said. "I'll boil you an egg."”

Men Said Feelings Humor Funny Three Walks Minutes He Man Doctors Sorry Eggs Hospitals Saying Sorry

Author:Frank Carson

“An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The barman looks at them and says: "Is this some kind of a joke?"”

Looks Kind Humor Funny Walks Jokes Bars Englishmen Irishmen Scotsmen Barmen

Author:Frank Carson

“A traffic policeman stops Sister Bridget for speeding. She pulls into the side of the road and winds down her window. The officer walks round and starts undoing his fly. "Oh dear," she says, "Not the breathalyser again."”

Humor Funny Sides Walks Wind Window Rounds Dear Officers Traffic Policemen Speeding Undoing

Author:Frank Carson

“There's this whole post-modern, nuevo beatnik, retro-bohemian thing going on, you know what I mean? You walk into some coffee shops, and it feels like you're an ex-patriot in Paris in the 20s. You're like, 'Hey, isn't that a young Ernest Hemingway over there? Yeah, I think it is! Hey, let's go have a look and see what he's writing... It's a Gap application.'”

Thinking Knows Feels Writing Looks Mean Whole Humor Funny Young Walks Modern Like You Yeah Coffee Hey Posts Paris Shops Gaps Application Patriot Exes Bohemian Coffee Shop Retro Beatnik

Author:Marc Maron

“A guy walks into a pub with a lump of asphalt on His shoulder, He says to the bar man give us a pint and one for the road.”

Men Giving Humor Funny Guy Walks Bars Shoulders Lumps Pubs Pints Asphalt

Author:Tommy Cooper

“A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's ... um ... well ... I have five penises." replies the man. "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove."”

Men Wells Problem Humor Seems Funny Asks Walks Five He Man Fit Office Doctors Gloves Trousers

Author:Tommy Cooper

“A dyslexic man walks into a bra.”

Men Humor Funny Walks Bras Dyslexic

Author:Tommy Cooper

“A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."”

Humor Funny Walks Bars Barmen

Author:Tommy Cooper

“Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble. Unfortunately, one was a salted.”

Two Humor Funny Walks Trouble Bars Rough Peanuts

Author:Tommy Cooper

“It was reported that Guy Ritchie has cast his wife Madonna in a small walk-on role in his new movie, Revolver. Madonna will play the part of the woman who ruins the film.”

Play Humor Funny Film Guy Walks Roles Wife Casts Ruins That Guy Revolver

Author:Tina Fey

“My mom, for most of her life, was a Holocaust denier. And it was terrible for the entire family to have to deal with until, finally, a couple years ago, we had an intervention. And we had a rabbi come into the home, had him walk her through the history of the Jewish people, and then he made her watch "Schindler's List." And after that, my mom did a complete 180. Now she can't believe it only happened once.”

“Ke$ha IS the walk of shame.”

Humor Funny Walks Shame

Author:Natasha Leggero

“You can't have a bad time at Disney World. It's not allowed. They have hidden electronic surveillance cameras everywhere, and if they catch you failing to laugh with childlike wonder, they lock you inside a costume representing a beloved Disney character such as Goofy and make you walk about in the Florida heat getting grabbed and leaped on by violently excited children until you have learned your lesson.”

Source: Dave Barry's Only Travel Guide You'll Ever Need