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Humor Quotes

Browse 16077 quotes about Humor.

Humor Quotes

“The hugely popular Windows 95 operating system revolutionized the software world thanks to its capability of accomplishing the seemingly impossible task of making Bill Gates even richer than he already was.”

World Humor Funny Impossible Tasks Window Bills Thanks Gates Software Capability Microsoft Operating Systems

Book:Dave Barry in Cyberspace

Source: Dave Barry in Cyberspace

“I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide.”

Men Want Should Humor Funny Guy Turns Race Feet Car Window Radio Circles Drivers Keep Going Tides Slow Down Bugs Turn-on Passengers Race Car

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“Freud's theory was that when a joke opens a window and all those bats and bogeymen fly out, you get a marvellous feeling of relief and elation. The trouble with Freud is that he never had to play the old Glasgow Empire on a Saturday night after Rangers and Celtic had both lost.”

Play Feelings Humor Funny Night Lost Trouble Theory Jokes Window Relief Empires Bats Saturday Saturday Night Rangers Marvellous Celtic Elation Glasgow

Author:Ken Dodd

“There's a fine line between masturbating while you look out a window, and masturbating while you're looking in a window. I'll give you a hint: one of 'em is super illegal.”

Giving Looks Humor Funny Lines Fine Window Ems Illegal Hints Fine Lines

Author:Dave Attell

“That's just something instinctual within men. We always feel like we've got to protect our stuff. Even if it's not worth protecting, we want to protect it. You ever seen people who have like a piece of crap Pinto with a Club on the steering wheel. Somebody breaks the window, steals the Club, leaves the Pinto in a pile of glass.”

People Ifs Men Want Feels Humor Funny Stuff Break Pieces Protect Window Glasses Clubs Stealing Wheels Crap Steering

Author:Jeff Foxworthy

“A man walks into a pet shop and says: "Give me a wasp." The shopkeeper replies: "We don't sell wasps." He says: "There's one in the window."”

Men Giving Humor Funny Walks Window Give Me Sells Shops Pet Wasps Shopkeepers

Author:Frank Carson

“My wife went into the butchers and said: "You've a sheep's head in your window." The butcher said: "That's a mirror."”

Said Humor Funny Wife Window Mirrors My Wife Sheep Butchers

Author:Frank Carson

“A man turns to the guy next to him who's covered in bandages from head to toe and asks "What happened?". "I fell through a glass window," explains the man. The first man says: "Lucky you were wearing all those bandages."”

Men Firsts Humor Funny Guy Turns Next Asks Happened He Man Lucky Window Glasses Covered Toes Lucky You Bandages

Author:Frank Carson

“A traffic policeman stops Sister Bridget for speeding. She pulls into the side of the road and winds down her window. The officer walks round and starts undoing his fly. "Oh dear," she says, "Not the breathalyser again."”

Humor Funny Sides Walks Wind Window Rounds Dear Officers Traffic Policemen Speeding Undoing

Author:Frank Carson

“I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.”

Humor Funny Window Stuck Arrested

Author:Rodney Dangerfield

“So I knocked on the door at this bed & Breakfast and a lady stuck her head out of the window and said: 'What do you want', I said, 'I want to stay here'. She said, 'Well stay there' and shut the window.”

Want Wells Said Humor Funny Doors Bed Window Stuck Breakfast

Author:Tommy Cooper

“I rang the bell of this small bed-and breakfast place, whereupon a lady appeared at an outside window. "What do you want?", she asked. "I want to stay here", I replied. "Well, stay there then", she said and closed the window.”

Want Wells Said Humor Funny Bed Window Breakfast Bells Bed And Breakfasts

Author:Chic Murray

“We've got stained glass windows in our house; it's those damned pigeons.”

Humor Funny House Window Glasses Pigeons Stained Glass Stained Glass Windows

Author:Chic Murray

“I bought Windows 2.0, Windows 3.0, Windows 3.1415926, Windows 95, Windows 98, Windows ME, Windows RSVP, The Best of Windows, Windows Strikes Back, Windows Does Dallas, and Windows Let's All Buy Bill Gates a House the Size of Vermont.”

Doe Humor Funny House Window Bills Size Strikes Gates Microsoft Dallas Vermont Strike Back

Book:Boogers Are My Beat: More Lies, but Some Actual Journalism

Source: Boogers Are My Beat: More Lies, but Some Actual Journalism