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Humorous Quotes

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Humorous Quotes

“Many years ago in a period commonly know as Next Friday Afternoon, there lived a King who was very Gloomy on Tuesday mornings because he was so Sad thinking about how Unhappy he had been on Monday and how completely Mournful he would be on Wednesday.”

Thinking Knows Years Would Be Next Morning Kings Periods Humorous Years Ago Unhappy Afternoon Monday Friday Gloomy Tuesday Wednesday So Sad Friday Afternoon Tuesday Morning

Author:Walt Kelly

“Wood heat is not new. It dates back to a day millions of years ago, when a group of cavemen were sitting around, watching dinosaurs rot. Suddenly, lightning struck a nearby log and set it on fire. One of the cavemen stared at the fire for a few minutes, then said: Hey! Wood heat! The other cavemen, who did not understand English, immediately beat him to death with stones. But the key discovery had been made, and from that day forward, the cavemen had all the heat they needed, although their insurance rates went way up.”

Way Years Made Said Millions Fire Groups Minutes Keys Needed Beats Humorous Sitting Discovery Years Ago Stones Rate Woods Hey Heat Lightning Dinosaurs Sitting Around Cavemen Insurance Rate

Author:Dave Barry

“I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago.”

Years Stills Real Funny Stars Wife Humorous Years Ago Twenties Witty Eight Movie Movie Star Keeping It Real

Author:Will Rogers

“Years ago, I tried to top everybody, but I don't anymore. I realized it was killing conversation. When you're always trying for a topper you aren't really listening. It ruins communication”

Trying Years Funny Communication Listening Conversation Humorous Years Ago Killing Witty I Realized Ruins Always Trying Toppers

Author:Groucho Marx

“Many years ago I chased a woman for almost two years, only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine: we both were crazy about girls.”

Years Two Girl Crazy Mines Taste Humorous Years Ago Two Years

Book:The Groucho Letters: Letters from and to Groucho Marx

Source: The Groucho Letters: Letters from and to Groucho Marx

“Many years ago I remember a famous actress explaining to me with perfect seriousness that before making an entrance she always stood aside to allow God to go on first. I can also remember that on that particular occasion He gave a singularly uninspired performance.”

“It was decided almost two hundred years ago that English should be the language spoken in the United States. It is not known, however, why this decision has not been carried out.”

Should Years Two States Funny America Language Decision United Known United States Humorous Hundred Years Ago Decided

Author:George Mikes

“In addition I had real and serious questions about an independent counsel investigation that began with private business dealings twenty years ago”

Years Real Stupid Serious Humorous Years Ago Twenties Independent Investigation Dealings

Author:William J. Clinton

“A hundred years ago, it could take you the better part of a year to get from New York to California; whereas today, because of equipment problems at O'Hare, you can't get there at all.”

Years Problem Humor Today Funny New York Food Humorous Hundred Years Ago California Equipment Airline Hares Air Travel

Book:Dave Barry's Only Travel Guide You'll Ever Need

Source: Dave Barry's Only Travel Guide You'll Ever Need