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Sound Quotes

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Sound Quotes

“The California cemeteries make dying sound so attractive it's a real effort to keep breathing.”

Real Funny Sound Effort Dying Breathing California Attractive Cemetery

Book:I KID YOU NOT

Source: I KID YOU NOT

“Scientists have determined that the most irritating sound to the human ear is the sound of a knife cutting a glass bottle. And the second-worst sound is a fork scratching a glass bottle. Evidently they did all their research at the Picnic for Morons.”

Humans Funny Science Sound Cutting Worst Research Ears Scientist Glasses Determined Bottles Knives Forks Moron Irritating Picnics

Author:Peter Sagal

“A dozen swimming events have already been completed in the Olympic competition. I wonder where they got the name 'Speedo.' It doesn't sound like a bathing suit, it sounds like a breakfast cereal for meth addicts.”

Funny Names Sound Wonder Events Competition Suits Breakfast Swimming Dozen Olympics Addict Cereal Bathing London Olympics Bathing Suits Breakfast Cereal Speedos

Author:Craig Ferguson

“Even though the Olympics take place during Ramadan, some Muslim athletes said they will not fast during games. Then, after sampling the British food, they said, on second thought, fasting sounds good.”

Said Funny Games Sound Athlete British Olympics They Said Fasting Second Thoughts Ramadan London Olympics Sampling

Author:Conan O'Brien

“Come around, feel the sound. Know you make my heart pound. Fill me up, bring me down; when I hear your sound.”

Knows Feels Heart Funny Sound My Heart Pounds Bring Me Down

Author:Nadia Ali

“He appeared to enjoy beyond everything the sound of his own voice. I couldn't wonder at that, for it was mellow and full and gave great importance to every word he uttered. He listened to himself with obvious satisfaction and sometimes gently beat time to his own music with his head or rounded a sentence with his hand.”

Sometimes Hands Funny Enjoy Sound Voice Wonder Beats Humorous Importance Satisfaction Obvious Sentences Mellow

Book:Bleak House

Source: Bleak House

“I met the girl who works at the Doubletree front desk, she gave me her number. It's ZERO. I tried to call from here, some other woman answered. "You sound older!"”

Humor Funny Girl Sound Numbers Fronts Mets Zero Desks Front Desk

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“Some comics get drunk before a show. I don't. When I get drunk, I don't want to stand in front of a bunch of people that I don't know. That does not sound comfortable. Why have all these people gathered? And why am I elevated and not facing the same way as everyone else? And what is this electric stick in my hand? I want a chair too!”

People Knows Way Want Doe Shows Humor Hands Funny Sound Fronts Comfortable Sticks Bunch Drunk Chairs Electric

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I had a Velcro wallet in a casino. That sound annoyed the hell out of me. Whenever I lost money, and I opened the wallet, it was like the sound of my addiction.”

Humor Funny Lost Sound Hell Addiction Annoyed Wallets Casinos Lost Money Velcro

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“When you're a father you censor yourself. You get just as angry with a child but you don't want to say, "What the filth and foul and I'll filth and foul, filth and foul and, yeah, ya filth and foul face, and I'll filth and foul, foul, filth!" You don't want to say that to a child so you censor yourself and you sound like an idiot: "What the... Get your... I'll put a... Get out of my face!"”

Want Children Humor Funny Faces Father Sound Yeah Angry Idiot Foul Filth

Author:Bill Cosby

“It's weird the way "finger puppet" sounds okay as a noun... ladies.”

Way Humor Funny Sound Okay Fingers Puppets Nouns

Author:Demetri Martin

“When they played, it wasn't music. It was the sound of chaos. I knew it was the sound of chaos because you could hear pigs being slaughtered. Women were weeping and men were gnashing their teeth, and there were sounds so horrible that I cannot repeat them to you, or you would flee from this room in horror!”

Men Humor Funny Sound Rooms Horror Chaos Horrible Teeth Repeats Pigs Weeping

Author:Lewis Black

“I, of course, don't have an accent. This is just how things sound when they are pronounced properly.”

Humor Funny Courses Sound Accents

Author:Jimmy Carr

“Apparently they're going to bring in 'Super Asbos'. But 'Asbos' already sound too cool. Teenagers see them as a badge of honour. They should call them 'Gaybos' or 'Bender Badges'.”

Should Humor Funny Sound Teenager Honour Badges Too Cool

Author:Frankie Boyle

“I live in a flat with 3 women, I call it surround sound. I keep the ugly one behind the sofa as a woofer.”

Humor Funny Sound Behinds Ugly Flats Surround Sofas Surround Sound

Author:Frankie Boyle

“'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'”

I Can Home Humor Funny Sound Common Singing Green Grass Unusual Toms Syndromes Green Grass

Author:Tommy Cooper

“He doesn't sound like a guy who's done a onesome, let alone a threesome.”

Done Humor Funny Guy Sound Threesome

Author:Adam Carolla

“"Ladies and Gentlemen, we're about to begin boarding. If we could ask for your cooperation, please stay seated until you row has been called." ... That's what they say - but somehow, by the time it comes out of the speaker, it sounds like, "Everybody up and rush the door! Everybody up and try to squeeze your big fat butts in the small gate door area! Immediately! ... Do whatever you have to do to get on board. This is the last helicopter out of Vietnam!"”

Ifs Trying Has Beens Bigs Funny Lasts Asks Sound Comedy Doors Please Areas Fats Boards Gentleman Gates Cooperation Vietnam Speakers Helicopters Ladies And Gentlemen Please Stay

Author:Brian Regan

“She, uh, came out of the closet recently, my niece. Um... She announced to the family that she's a lesbian and... She's seven, did I mention that? And, uh, I don't even know if she knows what a lesbian is, but I support her completely. And, uh... I'll tell you what's heartbreaking. My sister punished her for it. Can you believe that? No pussy for a week. Which to us may not sound like... But when you're seven, you know, a week is a long time.”

Ifs Knows Believe May Long Funny Sound Support Comedy Week Long Time Seven My Sister Closets Heartbreaking Pussy Niece My Niece

Author:Sarah Silverman

“I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out.”

Mean Humor Funny Sound Cold Bitter Miserable Bitterness Cynical Bitter Cold

Author:Bill Hicks