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Towns Quotes

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Towns Quotes

“I am just an old country boy in a big town trying to get along. I have been eating pretty regular and the reason I have been is because I have stayed an old country boy.”

Trying Has Beens Country Reason Humor Bigs Funny Boys Eating Towns Agriculture Country Boy

Book:Will Rogers' Weekly Articles: The Harding

Source: Will Rogers' Weekly Articles: The Harding

“Things have really changed here in Hollywood. Used to be people in this town couldn't wait to get an envelope full of white powder.”

People Funny Used Waiting White Changed Hollywood Towns Used To Be California Envelopes Powder

Author:Jay Leno

“The new moron in town is Chad Ford of ESPN.com.”

Funny Towns Nba Moron Espn Chad

Author:Mark Cuban

“Any other town you go to there's this little devil and a little angel on your shoulder. A little good advice, a little bad advice.You go to Las Vegas, there's like a devil and a devil and they're just battling it out the whole time. It's like, "Smoke some crack!" "Get a hooker!" And then I go, "YEA! Yea, this is a good town. Smoke some crack and get a hooker! Alright!"”

Littles Whole Funny Advice Devil Angel Towns Shoulders Smoke Cracks Vegas Las Vegas Alright Good Advice Bad Advice Little Angel

Author:Bill Burr

“The main thing I like about New Yorkers is that they understand that their lives are a relentless circus of horrors, ending in death. As New Yorkers, we realize this, we resign ourselves to our fate, and we make sure that everyone else is as miserable as we are. Good town.”

Humor Funny Realizing Fate Horror Towns Miserable Circus Relentless New Yorkers

Author:Kyle Baker

“I'm a - I'm a, um, a godmother which is just, that's fun to be a godmother, she is so precious, she's the light of my life, she's two... or five or something, and she's, uh... I don't know, I've never seen her - the pictures are precious, she just seems so, y'know... She lives clear across town, I don't have that kind of time, but, um... Well, I send money and stuff, it's not like I don't have a connection...”

Knows Wells Kind Two Humor Light Seems Funny Fun Stuff Clear Five Connections Towns Godmother Light Of My Life

Author:Ellen DeGeneres

“On the most Scottish thing he'd ever seen: I was going through a town called Bathgate at around 11 o'clock at night. And there was a guy leaning and pissing against a front door. He then took out his keys and went inside.”

Humor Funny Night Guy Doors Fronts Keys Towns Clock Scottish Front Doors

Author:Frankie Boyle

“Why do you have to be out of town to write a postcard? I want a to write a postcard to my neighbor: "I still live near you!" The guy sees me go into my apartment, flips the card over, it's just a picture of me holding a rifle.”

Want Writing Stills Humor Funny Guy Towns Neighbor Cards Over It Apartment Flip Rifles Postcards

Author:Jim Gaffigan

“You kill me and I'll see that you never work in this town again.”

Humor Funny Towns Kill Me

Author:Steve Martin

“The arresting officer, who I had literally known, all my life. You know what I mean? This guy lived four doors down the street me, in a town of less than four hundred people. *We've met.* Now, he takes me to jail, and he asks me if I have any aliases. And I was just being a smartass, and I said, "Yeah. They call me, "Tater Salad!" Seventeen years later, I'm handcuffed on a bench in New York with blood coming out of my nose, and this cop goes, "Are you Ron 'Tater Salad' White?"”

“Hosting the Oscars is much like making love to a woman. It's something I only get to do when Billy Crystal is out of town.”

Funny Towns Oscars Making Love Crystals

Author:Steve Martin

“Every town has the same two malls: the one white people go to and the one white people used to go to.”

People Two Humor Funny Used White Comedy Towns Shopping Malls

Author:Chris Rock

“Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip.”

Source: To father, with love: wisdom from Guideposts

“Hain't we got all the fools in town on our side? And hain't that a big enough majority in any town?”

Enough Humor Bigs Funny Science Sides Fool Towns Majority Fools And Foolishness Huckleberry

Author:Mark Twain

“I hate small towns because once you've seen the cannon in the park there's nothing else to do.”

Funny Hate I Hate Towns Comedian Boredom Parks Small Town Cannons

Author:Lenny Bruce

“I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.”

Life Years Funny Blessing Humorous Towns Witty Sunday

Author:George Burns

“My plans are still in embryo, a town on the edge of wishful thinking.”

Thinking Stills Funny Plans Humorous Towns Edges Witty Wishful Thinking Embryos

Author:Groucho Marx

“Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.”

Mean Humor Funny Left Causes Towns Addiction Comedian Monkeys Circus

Author:George Carlin

“New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time, most unsolved.”

Funny Time Comedy New York Happenings Humorous Exciting Towns New Yorkers

Author:Johnny Carson

“Matt and I have set a date. Matt and I will tie the knot New Years Day in the town of Swampscott, Massachusetts. Reserve your hotel rooms now. I will be having a gay marriage.”

Years Funny Rooms Gay Towns Ties Hotel New Year Reserves Gay Marriage Knots Hotel Rooms Massachusetts Happy New Year Days Of The Year New Years Day

Author:Ben Affleck

“There's a late-night scene in every town, and everyone has something going on, ... I've heard good stories about (Syracuse); this is a very good party town, a good drinking place. I definitely would like to come back and check it out further. Do some more research, as I call it.”

Stories Humor Funny Night Party Heard Scene Late Research Towns Drinking Very Good Checks Good Story Late Night Good Drinking Syracuse Good Party

Author:Dave Attell

“It's a small town, it has only a few docks ... now they are in a trap.”

Funny Military Towns Traps Small Town Docks

Author:Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf

“This boa, the American columns, are being besieged between Basra and other towns north, west, south and west of Basra. The Americans are the people who are under siege.”

People Funny Military Towns West South Columns Baghdad Siege Under Siege

Author:Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf

“Whenever I'm out of town for at least a week, I feel like I should write a postcard or something, but you can be a genius, you try and write a postcard you come across like a moron anyway: 'This city's got big buildings. I like food. Bye.'”

Feels Should Writing Trying Humor Bigs Funny Cities Week Building Genius Towns Bye Moron Postcards

Author:Jim Gaffigan

“A hick town is one where there is no place to go where you shouldn't go.”

Humor Funny Moral Towns Manners Places To Go Hicks

Author:Alexander Woollcott