“I love women, but I feel like you can't trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog's name. Then I said, 'Does he bite?' She said, 'No.' And I said, 'Oh yeah? Then how does he eat?' Liar.” KnowsFeelsDoeSaidHumorFunnyGirlNamesTalkingDogLike YouMetsYeahCuteParksLiarsBitesThis Girl Author:Demetri Martin
“I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, how are you going to get into the corners?"” WellsSaidHumorBigsAbleFunnyFacesGuyFightingComedyYeahSorryCornersYour FaceOne TimeBig GuysYou'll Be Sorry Author:Emo Philips
“Yeah, I love being famous. It's almost like being white, y'know?” KnowsHumorFunnyWhiteComedyFameRacismYeahBeing FamousRace In America Author:Chris Rock
“I never got along with my dad. Kids used to come up to me and say, 'My dad can beat up your dad.' I'd say 'Yeah? When?'” HumorMotivationalKidsFunnyUsedComedyDadBeatsYeahMy DadCome UpYour DadFunny Fathers DayRevolutionary IdeasFunny FatherFunny Happy Fathers DayFunny Dad Author:Bill Hicks
“That sounds terrific, thought Cary, just you, your comatose wife your shell-shocked son, and your daughter who hates your guts. Not to mention that your two kids may be in love with each other. Yeah, that sounds like a perfect family reunion.” MayTwoKidsFunnyHateSoundPerfectWifeSonDaughterYeahGutsShellsShockedTerrificReunionYour DaughterFamily ReunionPerfect FamilyComatose Author:Cassandra Clare
“When you hand someone a camera, why do they act like you just asked them to dissemble a bomb? They take it and they're like, 'What do I do ... I don't really ... ha-huh ...' Yeah, it's the button on the top right where it always is since the beginning of #*@! time!” InspirationalHandsFunnyLike YouTravelCamerasYeahSillyBombsButtonsFunny Travel Author:Dane Cook
“I know what you want. And I know what you need. But I'm gonna screw it up, yeah, cause I'm an idiot. And I'm your boyfriend.” KnowsWantNeedsFunnyCausesYeahWhat You WantIdiotCuteScrewsBoyfriendFunny LoveYour Boyfriend Author:Jimmy Fallon