“We scored a season-high, yeah - albeit against a team that is somewhat tanking.” FunnyTeamSeasonsYeahNba Author:Andrew Bogut
“If your idea of a role model is somebody who's gonna preach to your kids that sex before marriage is wrong and cursing is wrong and women should be this and be that, then I'm not a role model. But if you want your girls to feel strong and intelligent and be outspoken and fight for what they think is right, then I want to be that type of role model, yeah.” IfsThinkingWantFeelsShouldIdeasKidsFunnyGirlFightingStrongSexRolesTypeModelsIntelligentYeahRole ModelsCursingOutspokenBefore MarriageSex Before Marriage Author:Megan Fox
“I hit Ali with everything and he said 'is that all you got' and I said 'yeah, that's pretty much it.'” SaidFunnyYeahBoxing Author:George Foreman
“Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people 'the cops.' But you know, sometimes, you've just got no choice; those kids gotta get to school!” PeopleKnowsSometimesHumorKidsSchoolFunnyChoicesCarYeahDrivingDrunkCopDrunk Driving Author:Dave Attell
“Yeah, I had it all mapped out actually. Seriously. I wrote it down. I said, 'When I'm the head coach of the Eagles, I'm going to make sure I get that guy on my team.' And then guy next to me was like, 'You're only the offensive coordinator at New Hampshire.' I said, 'Don't worry about it. Minor details. But it's going to work.'” SaidFunnyGuyNextWorryTeamLike YouYeahDetailsCoachesNflMinorsOffensiveGoing To WorkEaglesThat GuyHampshireNew HampshireHead CoachesCoordinator Author:Chip Kelly
“My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'” IfsWantSaidHumorWantedFunnyComedyFoodMy FriendsYeahFrozenBananas Author:Mitch Hedberg
“I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day.” HumorFunnyRememberUsedComedyHotYeahUsed To Be Author:Mitch Hedberg
“I miss the $2 bill, 'cause I can break a two. $20, no. $10, no. $5, maybe, $2? Oh yeah. What do you need, a one and another one?” NeedsI CanTwoHumorFunnyCausesBreakMissingYeahBills Author:Mitch Hedberg
“I have an idea for sweatshops: air conditioning! That's simple. 14 year old boys working twelve hour days? "Yeah, but they're comfortable!"” YearsIdeasHumorFunnyHoursSimpleBoysAirComfortableYeahTwelveConditioningAir ConditioningSweatshops Author:Mitch Hedberg
“I like when they say a movie is inspired by a true story. That's kind of silly. "Hey, Mitch, did you hear that story about that lady who drove her car into the lake with her kids and they all drowned?" "Yeah, I did, and you know what - that inspires me to write a movie about a gorilla!"” KnowsWritingKindStoriesHumorKidsFunnyCarInspireYeahInspiredSillyHeyLakesTrue StoryGorillas Author:Mitch Hedberg
“I like Kinko's, because they're open 24 hours. If it's 5 am and I decide I need two of something, I'm covered! Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, and then I think, "Oh, yeah. Kinko's. No problem. That will not remain singular."” IfsThinkingNeedsTwoSometimesProblemHumorFunnyNightHoursMiddleColdWake UpYeahCoveredSweatNo ProblemMiddle Of The Night Author:Mitch Hedberg
“I hate sandwiches at New York delis. Too much meat on the sandwich. It's like a cow with a cracker on either side. "Would you like anything else with the pastrami sandwich?" "Yeah, a loaf of bread and some other people!"” PeopleHumorFunnyPastHateSidesToo MuchNew YorkI HateYeahBreadMeatCowsSandwichesCrackersPastrami Author:Mitch Hedberg
“I like it when you reach into a vending machine to grab your candy bar, and that flap goes up to block you from reaching up? That's a good invention. Before that, it was hard times for the vending machine owners. "Yeah, what candy bar are you getting?" "That one, and every one on the bottom row!"” HardHumorFunnyMachinesYeahBottomBarsInventionBlockHard TimesReachingOwnersCandyCandy BarVending MachinesReaching Up Author:Mitch Hedberg
“I like those blow-up beds. "This becomes a full size bed in three minutes!" Well, a mattress kicks your ass. Zero seconds. "Yeah, but you can store this thing." You can store a bed, too - in the bedroom.” WellsHumorFunnyThreeMinutesBedYeahSizeBlowStoresAssKicksZeroSecondsBedroomMattresses Author:Mitch Hedberg
“A friend said to me, "I think the weather is trippy." I said, "No, man, it's not the weather that's trippy, perhaps it's the way we perceive it." And then I realized I just should have said, "Yeah."” ThinkingMenWayShouldSaidHumorFunnyShould HaveYeahI RealizedWeatherPerceiveTrippy Author:Mitch Hedberg
“Every time I walk by a spy shop, I think that I need to put some surveillance on somebody. Rick's been acting fishy! I need to buy a safe that looks like a Spray 'N Wash can. "Hey, Mitch, can I use the Spray 'N Wash?" "Yeah, if you want to spray your shirt with documents!"” IfsThinkingWantNeedsLooksUseHumorFunnyWalksActingSafeYeahHeyShirtsShopsDocumentsSpySurveillanceSprayFishy Author:Mitch Hedberg
“You know when you go into a restaurant, and it gets busy and they start a waiting list, and they start calling out names, "DuFresnes, party of two." They say again, "DuFresnes, party of two." But then if no one answers, they'll just go to the next name, "Bush, party of three." Yeah, but what happened to the DuFresnes? No one seems to care. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing! And they're hungry! That's a double whammy! "Bush, search party of three!" You can eat once you find the DuFresnes!” PeopleIfsKnowsTwoHumorSeemsCareFunnyThreeNextNamesWaitingAnswersPartyHappenedMissingCallingYeahBusyListsHungryRestaurants Author:Mitch Hedberg
“I used to drink wine. This girl asked me, "Doesn't wine give you a headache?" "Yeah, eventually, but the first and the middle part are amazing!"” GivingFirstsHumorFunnyUsedGirlMiddleDrinkYeahWineHeadacheThis Girl Author:Mitch Hedberg
“Yeah, I'm not into sports. If someone told me I had athlete's foot, I'd say that's not my foot!” IfsHumorFunnySportsFeetYeahAthlete Author:Mitch Hedberg
“I have more respect for somebody who's like, 'Yeah I like to party, so screw off,' then for Tara , who talks about not partying and ends up passed out underneath a Subway, not a subway station, but the actual sandwich shop - two days later.” TwoEndsHumorFunnyPartyYeahShopsStationsScrewsSandwichesSubwayTwo Days Author:Chelsea Handler
“When you're a father you censor yourself. You get just as angry with a child but you don't want to say, "What the filth and foul and I'll filth and foul, filth and foul and, yeah, ya filth and foul face, and I'll filth and foul, foul, filth!" You don't want to say that to a child so you censor yourself and you sound like an idiot: "What the... Get your... I'll put a... Get out of my face!"” WantChildrenHumorFunnyFacesFatherSoundYeahAngryIdiotFoulFilth Author:Bill Cosby
“Things have been invented because of alcohol. Like the taser, okay? Yeah! The morning after pill, okay? The reach-around. Judge Judy. What has pot given the world? Hackey sack? YEAH! Hilarious ring tones? OH GAH! Ultimate Frisbee Championships? It sucks to be a champion at a sport that can't get you laid. It's an unneeded skill like, I dunno, being the best banjo player. Or a squirter.” WorldHas BeensHumorFunnyGivenSportsMorningPlayerJudgingSkillsOkayUltimateYeahAlcoholRingsChampionToneBeing The BestPotChampionshipPillsBanjosMorning AfterFrisbeeTasersBanjo PlayersJudge Judy Author:Dave Attell
“[On the Dating Handbook] 'With a telescope, some munchies, and a warm blanket, watch for Halley's comet.' Yeah. I like that. There's no time limit. Just sit there and grow old together.” HumorFunnyTogetherGrowsWatchesLimitsYeahWarmBlanketTelescopesCometsTime LimitHalley's Comet Author:David Cross
“All my friends are always telling me how hard it is to have kids. 'Oh, David, it's so hard.' That's not hard. I'll tell you what hard is. Try talking your girlfriend into her third consecutive abortion. Yeah, that's hard, that takes finesse. You're just inconvenienced.” TryingHardHumorKidsFunnyTalkingMy FriendsThirdsYeahGirlfriendAbortionYour GirlfriendFinesseConsecutive Author:David Cross
“This is the most exciting place in the world to live. Oh yeah! There are so many ways to die in New York City! Race riots, drive by shootings, subway crashes, construction cranes collapsing on the sidewalks, manhole covers blowing up and asbestos shooting into the sky.” WorldWayHumorFunnyDiesRaceCitiesSkyNew YorkExcitingYeahShootingNew York CityConstructionCrashRiotPlaces In The WorldSubwaySidewalkCranesBlowing UpAsbestosRace Riots Author:Denis Leary
“Yeah, I love living in New York, man, and people who live in New York, we wear that fact like a badge right on our sleeve because we know that fact impresses everybody! I was in Vietnam. So what? I live in New York!” PeopleKnowsMenFactsHumorFunnyNew YorkYeahVietnamImpressSleevesBadges Author:Denis Leary
“"Yeah, well, if you eat red meat, it stays in your colon for fifteen years!" Good! I paid for it; I want it in my ass, okay? I want them to find a meat sweater from my esophagus to my asshole when they open me up in the end! "This guy's covered in meat! He's Meat-Man! He's Meat-Tracheotomy-Man!"” IfsMenWantYearsWellsEndsHumorFunnyGuyRedOkayPaidYeahAssMeatCoveredFifteenThis GuySweatersFifteen YearsRed Meat Author:Denis Leary
“I think you should, yeah. You should wash your beard, then shave it off, nail it to a Frisbee and fling it over a rainbow.” ThinkingShouldHumorFunnyYeahRainbowNailsBeardFlingFrisbee Author:Dylan Moran
“You're talking to a modern, nice, affable German person and they're saying to you something like 'You know, vell, it's a critical time now for Germany within Europe, also globally, economically ve are pretty good, ve have been better. But ve are very vibrant in the theater and arts...' and all the time you'll be listening to this, you're thinking Mmm, yeah, mmm... Hitler, Hitler, Hitler, Hitler, Hitler.” ThinkingKnowsPersonsHas BeensArtHumorFunnyTalkingNiceModernLike YouListeningEuropeTheaterYeahCriticalGermanyAffable Author:Dylan Moran
“That's why when I send a postcard I quiz people. "Hey, did you get that postcard?" "Yeah, yeah yeah." "Well what'd I say?" "Uh, you were havin-" "I was in jail"” PeopleWellsHumorFunnyYeahHeyJailPostcardsQuizYeah Yeah Yeahs Author:Jim Gaffigan
“I don't know about you, but when they first introduced bottled water, I thought it was so funny, I was like "Bottled water! Haha, they're selling bottled water! ... I guess I'll try it. Ah, this is good, this is more watery than water. Yeah, this has got a water kick to it."” KnowsTryingFirstsHumorFunnyWaterYeahSellingKicksHahaBottled Water Author:Jim Gaffigan
“I am single, I don't drink. It's kind of hard to get a woman buzzed when you don't drink. You'll be like, "Yeah, I'll have a glass of water, you want a shot of Jäger? You want eight of 'em?"” WantKindHardHumorFunnyWaterDrinkShotsYeahGlassesEightEmsI Am Single Author:Jim Gaffigan
“There's this whole post-modern, nuevo beatnik, retro-bohemian thing going on, you know what I mean? You walk into some coffee shops, and it feels like you're an ex-patriot in Paris in the 20s. You're like, 'Hey, isn't that a young Ernest Hemingway over there? Yeah, I think it is! Hey, let's go have a look and see what he's writing... It's a Gap application.'” ThinkingKnowsFeelsWritingLooksMeanWholeHumorFunnyYoungWalksModernLike YouYeahCoffeeHeyPostsParisShopsGapsApplicationPatriotExesBohemianCoffee ShopRetroBeatnik Author:Marc Maron
“We were talking briefly about cocaine... yeah. Anything that makes you paranoid and impotent, give me more of that!” GivingHumorFunnyTalkingGive MeYeahCocaineParanoid Author:Robin Williams
“I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."” KnowsFeelsLooksSaidHumorFunnyPerfectMorningDoctorsMirrorsYeahGet UpThrowingEvery MorningEyesightVomitingThrowing UpUgly Face Author:Rodney Dangerfield
“As soon as you lay down, that's when the most bizarre things start coming out of her mouth. 'Goodnight, baby.' 'Do you think we were together in a past life?' 'Yeah, and I died of sleep deprivation. Go to bed.' 'Don't you feel like we're soul...'” ThinkingFeelsSoulHumorFunnyTogetherPastSleepBabyBedMouthsDiedYeahLaysComing OutBizarreDeprivationPast LifeSleep Deprivation Author:Adam Ferrara
“My son is 12 now, and is really getting into girls. A lot. But the thing about twelve year old boys is that they don't possess what I like to call that ... discretionary gene yet. We were walking home from the ballfield the other day and there was a woman walking towards us who was ... gifted. I saw them, and I saw him see them. But she was too close for me to go, "Dude, shut up." She hadn't walked two feet behind us and he goes "God dang, did you see the SIZE of those things?" And all I could say was "Yeah, I did!"” YearsTwoHomeHumorFunnyGirlBehindsBoysSawsFeetSonWalkingYeahSizeMy SonGenesTwelveShut UpGiftedWalking Home Author:Bill Engvall
“Mel: Does Bret's girlfriend look anything like me? Murray: A little, around the eyes. Mel: Oh yeah? Big eyes huh? Murray: Well... she's got eyes.” WellsLooksLittlesDoeHumorBigsEyeFunnyYeahLike MeGirlfriendBig Eyes Author:Kristen Schaal
“Yeah? Rock 'n' Roll is fast, you know. If all goes according to plan I could be in rehab next thursday. Tuesday week I'll be living on an island with a small Indian boy.” IfsKnowsHumorFunnyNextBoysPlansWeekRocksYeahIndianIslandsRock N RollLiving OnTuesdayRehabThursdayAccording To Plan Author:Noel Fielding
“I'm going to name drop like an idiot now, but Bono rang me up once, right? I don't know how he got my number, but I, ever so stupidly, and obviously thought it was one of my mates mocking about. So I was like, "Yeah, whatever." And it was him, but I even went to him, "That's not even a good Irish accent!"” KnowsHumorFunnyNamesNumbersKnow HowYeahIdiotMatesAccentsIrish Accent Author:Noel Fielding
“I was talking to my friend and he said his girlfriend was mad at him. I said, "What happened?" He goes: "Well, I guess I, uh... I guess I said something, and, uh... and then she got her feelings hurt." That's a weird way to phrase it: "She got her feelings hurt. I said something, and then she..." Could you more remove yourself from responsibility? "She got her feelings hurt." It's like saying, "Yeah, I shot this guy in the face, and then I guess he got himself murdered. I don't know what happened. He leaned into it."” KnowsWayWellsSaidFeelingsFunnyFacesGuyHurtResponsibilityTalkingComedyHappenedShotsMy FriendsYeahMadPhrasesGirlfriendRemoveThis GuyHurt FeelingsMad At Him Author:Louis C. K.
“You ever go to shop for tuna, and it says "dolphin safe", and you look at it and kind of go, "Yeah, but"-like somehow you think it's not going to be as good? Like, "I want to do the right thing-but it's probably kind of bland without the dolphin."” ThinkingWantLooksKindFunnyComedySafeYeahRight ThingShopsDolphinsBlandTuna Author:Louis C. K.
“New York has made me so paranoid, too. Whenever I visit another city, I always act like I'm from there, so the cab driver doesn't rip me off. I'm always like, "Yeah, it's good to be back home. Back here where I grew up. Yeah. Here in Tokyo. ... Uh, driver, I need to go to my old stomping grounds. That would be the Holiday Inn. And the address appears to be the pound sign."” NeedsMadeHomeWould BeFunnyCitiesComedyNew YorkGrewGrew UpYeahAddressesHolidayPoundsDriversRipBack HomeParanoidCabTokyoInnsStompingCab Drivers Author:Jim Gaffigan
“I was watching Animal Planet. Did you know that the male seahorse has the baby? And I was thinking, "Why don't they just call that the female seahorse?" You know it's just some stubborn scientist. "Yeah, that one there's the male seahorse." And his assistant's like, "Uh, Bill, that one's having a baby." ... "The male has the baby. You're fired."” ThinkingKnowsFunnyAnimalComedyPlanetsBabyFemaleScientistYeahBillsMalesStubbornAssistantsDid You KnowHaving A Baby Author:Jim Gaffigan
“If you're a guy over 30 by yourself in the hotel pool, you automatically look like a murderer who's just relaxing after he strangled a family. "Yeah-that dad was a tough one to kill."” IfsLooksFunnyGuyComedyDadToughYeahHotelPoolMurderer Author:Jim Gaffigan
“Sometimes I feel like I'm making a connection with a stranger, but then it turns out I'm not. Like, I was in a mall, and I saw this lady hitting her kid. So I went up to her, and I was like, "Yeah, get him!" She got all mad at me. I was like, "I'm on your side here."” FeelsSometimesKidsFunnyTurnsSidesSawsComedyConnectionsYeahMadStrangerHittingMallsYour Side Author:Demetri Martin
“I saw this sign posted once, it said, "Blasting Zone Ahead." Wow. Shouldn't that read: "Road Closed?" What do you mean there's a blasting zone? What am I supposed to do? "Hey-uh, you might wanna buckle up. Blasting zone coming up. Yeah. Just saw the sign. Put the helmets on back there! Yeah I think we're- (Pow!)- Oh! We're getting close! (Pow!)- Oh! This is gonna be a bad blasting zone! Remember that last one-we lost Billy?"” ThinkingMeanSaidMightFunnyLastsRememberLostSawsComedyYeahHeyZoneWowHelmetPowBuckles Author:Brian Regan
“That's all we had when I was a kid: Robitussin. No matter what you got, Robitussin better handle it. "Daddy, I got asthma." "Robitussin." "I got cancer." "Robitussin." "I broke my leg." Daddy poured Robitussin on it. "Yeah, boy, let that 'tussin get in there. Yeah, boy, let that 'tussin get on down to the bone. The 'tussin ought to straighten out the bone."” MatterKidsFunnyBoysComedyOughtNo Matter WhatYeahCancerLegsBonesHandleBrokeDaddyAsthma Author:Chris Rock
“The arresting officer, who I had literally known, all my life. You know what I mean? This guy lived four doors down the street me, in a town of less than four hundred people. *We've met.* Now, he takes me to jail, and he asks me if I have any aliases. And I was just being a smartass, and I said, "Yeah. They call me, "Tater Salad!" Seventeen years later, I'm handcuffed on a bench in New York with blood coming out of my nose, and this cop goes, "Are you Ron 'Tater Salad' White?"” PeopleIfsKnowsYearsMeanSaidFunnyGuyAsksWhiteKnownComedyFourDoorsBloodMetsTownsYeahCome UpAsk MeNosesStationsCall MeOfficersComing OutCopJust BeingThis GuySaladBenchesSeventeenArrestingSmartassAliases Author:Ron White
“One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read"” BelieveSaidHumorRunningFunnyTimeBeliefYeahDon't BelieveOne TimeCop Author:Steven Wright