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Alexandra Katehakis Books

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“It’s crucial to practice self-empathy, for trust can’t be willed into existence. That didn’t work when our caregivers tried to impose their will on us, and it won’t work internally, either. Only when we can tap into a place of self-trust, with a reliable process of reparation for inevitable mistakes, can we build trust with another person.”

TrustSelf TrustCaregiversReparationSelf Empathy
Book:Mirror of Intimacy: Daily Reflections on Emotional and Erotic Intelligence
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“When you are secure in yourself, know what turns you on, and enjoy watching your partner watch you experience sexual pleasure, you have a highly novel relationship grounded in love. The experience of seeing and being seen fuels lust and desire. This is exactly the way you integrate healthy lust and love into your sex life. It’s relational sex, not the old pornographic sex of past addictions.”

LoveDesireSexAddictionLustPornography
Book:Erotic Intelligence: Igniting Hot, Healthy Sex While in Recovery from Sex Addiction
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“Spiritualizing sex is actually a movement of energy—feeling and emotion—that rises within you and moves into your sexual physicality as an alive, tender, erotic, or passionate expression. Your bodies move without inhibition so all the energy can flow out of you and between the two of you. You allow spiritual energy to express its dance through you. Sexuality can be a profound demonstration of your love, and especially your freedom, to express and bond. Spiritual sex, then, combines how you express your love with the intentions or blessings you bring to your partnership.”

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Book:Erotic Intelligence: Igniting Hot, Healthy Sex While in Recovery from Sex Addiction
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“People often ask: If there’s a God, how can He allow so much suffering in the world? Realize all world suffering you perceive is a mirror to your own psychological self-abuse, gender imbalance, prejudice, poverty, and hunger. You couldn’t even perceive each suffering aspect of external reality if it didn’t already exist within you. Touch and transmute your own psychological suffering, and perceive the world in kind.”

GodSufferingPerceptionMirrorSuffering Of HumanityWorld SufferingTransmute
Book:Mirror of Intimacy: Daily Reflections on Emotional and Erotic Intelligence
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“Caring is open-hearted, keeping us available to transmit love to a stranger through simple eye contact and without condition. This is not the opportunistic sizing-up of sexual cruising; instead, it’s the felt recognition of the divinity and humanity in another individual.”

HumanityStrangerCaringDivinityEye ContactOpen HeartedSexual Cruising
Book:Mirror of Intimacy: Daily Reflections on Emotional and Erotic Intelligence
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“Many partners of addicts have told me they feel bad about themselves for staying in the relationship because of the betrayal they’ve experienced. They imagine that the people who know their past judge them to be stupid for staying with the person who’s caused them so much pain. I often counter this thinking, explaining that leaving may seem quick and easy because they can pretend they’re okay and the problem has disappeared. However, if you leave your relationship, you’ll be stuck with your pain and sorrow without the person you loved to help you sort it out. Why is this true? Because even though it feels as if your pain comes from your partner, it’s actually coming from inside you.”

PainRelationshipSorrowBetrayalInfidelityAddictPartner
Book:Erotic Intelligence: Igniting Hot, Healthy Sex While in Recovery from Sex Addiction
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“Yes, sex is troublesome and beautiful. And only when we drop our expectations, and know that we'll have moments of great sex and moments when our sexuality confounds, pains, or infuriates us, will we be liberated to enjoy it in a way that's true to ourselves.”

TruthSexExpectationsSexualityLiberation
Book:Mirror of Intimacy: Daily Reflections on Emotional and Erotic Intelligence
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“Perhaps the most important sexual tool is consciousness. If we think we are "not enough" or "too much," we surely are. Similarly, when you give a gift, create artwork, or perform any task with the thought that it's "not enough" or "too much," it surely will be.”

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Book:Mirror of Intimacy: Daily Reflections on Emotional and Erotic Intelligence
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“Endow yourself with healthy self-esteem. What is the feeling tone in your life that radiates in you and makes you shine, that makes you feel whole, that makes you feel your heart? That feeling tone, which we long to hear from others, is the tone we want to practice with ourselves. That’s where we want to live with ourselves. It doesn’t happen from the outside in. That’s why it’s called self-esteem.”

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Book:Mirror of Intimacy: Daily Reflections on Emotional and Erotic Intelligence
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“Much healing can occur through the sexual act with a person you love and trust if the two of you can stay with each other during your most vulnerable moments. You enter into a sacred space, this unknown territory, from which you’ll emerge into new and unexpected states of being.”

LoveSexHealingVulnerableUnknownSacred Space
Book:Erotic Intelligence: Igniting Hot, Healthy Sex While in Recovery from Sex Addiction
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“Sometimes what we seek to gain through "winning" a conflict is not worth what we're refusing to sacrifice. And true compromise often involves sacrifice: As on the path between Scylla and Charybdis, the monsters of Greek mythology who lie on either side of a narrow strait to devour sailors and ships, either way you go there will be losses. Through life experience we gradually learn to differentiate between the ideals, values and principles which can, and those which cannot, be compromised.”

SacrificeConflictCompromiseMediationCharybdisScylla
Book:Mirror of Intimacy: Daily Reflections on Emotional and Erotic Intelligence
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“The process of dissociation is an elegant mechanism built into the human psychological system as a form of escape from (sometimes literally) going crazy. The problem with checking out so thoroughly is that it can leave us feeling dead inside, with little or no ability to feel our feelings in our bodies. The process of repair demands a re-association with the body, a commitment to dive into the body and feel today what we couldn’t feel yesterday because it was too dangerous.”

PsychologyTraumaDefenseMechanismDissociationRepair
Book:Mirror of Intimacy: Daily Reflections on Emotional and Erotic Intelligence
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“All infants and children require and deserve comfort in order to develop properly. Soft cooing voices, gentle touch, smiles, cleanliness, and wholesome food all contribute to the growing body/mind. And when these basic conditions are absent in childhood, our need for comfort in adulthood can be so profound that it becomes pathological, driving us to seek mothering from anyone who will have us, to use others to fill our emptiness with sex or love, and to risk becoming addicted to a perceived source of comfort.”

ChildhoodComfortEmptinessMotheringCaregiversBody MindPathologic
Book:Mirror of Intimacy: Daily Reflections on Emotional and Erotic Intelligence
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“Remember, sex is never a thing you just had. Sex is the intercourse, the merging or convergence, of who the two of you are—your spirits merging. People ask, “How was it for you?” The reply is often, “It was great.” But is this really the right question and answer? Instead, personalize your question and ask, “How are you?” Respond with depth. Gaze into each other’s eyes and speak your truth: “I’m over the moon,” or “I love you,” or “I melted and I’m just coming back into myself.”

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Book:Erotic Intelligence: Igniting Hot, Healthy Sex While in Recovery from Sex Addiction
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“All of us lived life when sex was the farthest thing from our minds. Try to remember the careless freedom of play, basking in the beingness of others. As adults, responsibilities and obligations can often bind us to a daily grind. For some adults, then, sex might be one of the few interactions that restores their openness and sensory exploration of play. It’s not hard to see why sexual preoccupation might take over when people become locked out from experiencing fulfilling lives.”

PlaySexSexualitySexual Preoccupation
Book:Mirror of Intimacy: Daily Reflections on Emotional and Erotic Intelligence
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“Everything you perceive is your presence. Today, look deeply into every moment and perceive divine presence. Recognize each circumstance as having a particular bearing on your soul. Over time, this practice will bring you presence of mind and make manifest your own catalytic presence.”

PerceiveManifestPresenceCircumstanceDivine PresenceBearing On Your Soul
Book:Mirror of Intimacy: Daily Reflections on Emotional and Erotic Intelligence
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“Sexual distortions carry strong undertones of prejudice—sexism, racism and homophobia—that rob individuals of their individuality. Common stereotypes include “men are all dogs,” “women are less interested in sex,” “gays are promiscuous,” certain races are frigid or hung, and certain sex acts are indulgent, effeminate, or immoral. Other distortions clearly function as tools of organizations or of religious or political figures to shape public opinion through dogma and to control their followers’ lives.”

RacismSexismDogmaDistortionHomophobiaStereotypesSexual Stereotypes
Book:Mirror of Intimacy: Daily Reflections on Emotional and Erotic Intelligence
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“Intensity-seeking is an enslavement of our own perpetuation. When we step out of the delirium of always seeking someone new, and meet the same old sad and lonely child within, our healing journey begins. Exhausting ourselves with novelty is a defense against our deepest pain, one that we cannot outrun. But once we stop and feel our losses, we can begin our healing journey and be the authentic, joyous person we were born to be.”

AddictionDefenseIntensityNoveltyHealing JourneyInner ChildEnslavementSex AddictionChild WithinIntensity SeekingCompulsivityDeepest Pain
Book:Mirror of Intimacy: Daily Reflections on Emotional and Erotic Intelligence
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“We might feel that we must demonstrate explicitly when we’re upset, or not upset. This perceived need may stem from our family of origin, from how we learned to be heard when a simple “no” wasn’t enough. We may have learned to mask certain feelings, or portray feelings that weren’t ours. But as adults we each need to learn to state our personal truth without having to prove it or shout it.”

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Book:Mirror of Intimacy: Daily Reflections on Emotional and Erotic Intelligence
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“Are you repeating someone else's narrative, taking it for granted? Talk therapy sessions and 12-step recovery shares help develop the ability to present a coherent life narrative through the safe structure of clear rules of communication that support healthy self-expression and self-awareness.”

CommunicationSelf AwarenessNarrativeTherapySelf Expression12 StepCoherent Narrative
Book:Mirror of Intimacy: Daily Reflections on Emotional and Erotic Intelligence
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“Sometimes it’s only in the ecstasy of unrepressed movement that we may enter the stillness of our authentic selves. In such sacred moments, the world seems to be in step. This is why the idea of finding love across the dance floor endure — symbolizing that, when we know the true rhythm of our heart, we know the other.”

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Book:Mirror of Intimacy: Daily Reflections on Emotional and Erotic Intelligence
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“To develop emotional and erotic intelligence we need to practice enlarging our inner passion at every moment. It doesn’t matter what’s going on in our world, or even how we feel about ourselves in the moment. In fact, the best time to accomplishing something may be when we least feel like trying, because the hopeless part of ourselves most needs the light.”

LightPassionAccomplishmentHopelessEmotional IntelligenceErotic Intelligence
Book:Mirror of Intimacy: Daily Reflections on Emotional and Erotic Intelligence
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