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Christopher Titus

Christopher Titus Quotes

Comedian

Christopher Titus is an American comedian known for his unique humor style and autobiographical comedy. Born on October 1, 1964, he has had a career in comedy for over 30 years. Titus' work often involves personal experiences, including his family background, marriage, and professional challenges.

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Famous Christopher Titus Quotes

“Fathers and sons are natural enemies. Look at any species. Shark, sees his father in the water, he's not thinking, Hey dad, wassup ? He's thinking, Back off, old man, this surfer carcass is mine. Of course, when his girlfriend swims up and she's like, Way, you know, there's enough surfer for everybody. You and your dad need to frenzy together more. Leave you father a thigh.”

“My mum is in a mental hospital. There's a fine line between genius and insanity. Winston Churchill, Mozart, John Lennon. These people all had a touch of crazy that fuelled their brilliance. They were not locked up for it like my mum. Pft. Then again, Winston Churchill never tried to kill my dad.”

People Lines Crazy Fine Genius Dad My Dad Insanity Hospitals Locked Mum Brilliance Fine Lines Locked Up Lennon

Author:Christopher Titus

“When I was seven, I watched One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest with my mom. When Jack Nicholson was strapped to the table getting electroshock treatment, my mom burst into tears. She said it reminded her of her life, and I was stunned, because I didn't know my mom had been nominated for an Oscar.”

Knows Said Tears Mom Tables Seven My Mom Treatment Oscars Nests Flew Stunned Cuckoos Nicholson One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest

Author:Christopher Titus

“Life, is easy. And if yours isn't, quit whining. Oh, wait. unless you're just a head amd then, you do have it pretty rough. I don't know how you roll out of bed every morning.”

Ifs Knows Life Is Easy Waiting Morning Know How Bed Quitting Rough Every Morning Whining Life Is Easy

Author:Christopher Titus

“Everybody's a racist. It's the one human trait that makes us all exactly the same. Deep down, we only like people who are exactly like us. And it doesn't matter. White. Black. Red. Yellow. Purple, uh oh, the purple people, are the worst. Man. All prejudiced and birth marky. But, we've got to learn to get past our differences. I learned that at the museum of tolerance. After my dad beat the crap out of a guy over a parking spot.”

People Men Humans Matter Past Guy Black Differences White Worst Birth Dad Beats Racism Red My Dad Tolerance Spots Racist Museums Yellow Traits Crap Purple Deep Down Parking Parking Spots

Author:Christopher Titus

“In 1998, in Laramie, Wyoming, two guys beat up Matthew Shepard and left him on the side of the road hanging on the fence to die. They killed him, because Matthew Shepard was gay. They killed him, because Matthew Shepard was gay? They killed him.”

Two Guy Dies Left Sides Gay Beats Fence Matthew Hanging On Two Guys Wyoming

Author:Christopher Titus

“When you screw up, you got to pay the price. Shoot up a supermarket, you go to jail. Ride a motorcycle without a helmet, permanent brain damage and in California you're getting a ticket. Too chatty on a date with my dad, well, he'll push you in front of a cross town bus. Of course, you know, I'm speaking metaphorically. My dad will push you in front of any bus.”

Knows Wells Courses Pay Brain Fronts Dad Crosses Towns My Dad Permanent California Damage Jail Bus Tickets Screws Motorcycle Supermarkets Pay The Price Screw Ups Helmet

Author:Christopher Titus

“My mom was crazy. And her mom was crazy. And her mom's mom was crazy. Is it my turn? Am I going to live the rest of my life giggling at raindrops, wearing paper slippers ? When I go to dinner with friends, should I not use a fork 'cause I just might snap? Hey, you guys look great. How's the baby?”

Should Looks Use Might Guy Turns Causes Crazy Baby Paper Dinner Hey Mum Should I Snaps Forks Hey You Raindrops Slippers Dinner With Friends

Author:Christopher Titus

“How far would you go for someone you love ? Well, when my grandkids ask me how I pledged my love to their grandma, I'll say, I told her I would die for her, after I found out I didn't have an incurable disease. Then, I ran away while grandma was getting her ass kicked by a pregnant woman that grandpa slept with. You never know when you're making a memory.”

Knows Wells Dies Asks Found Memories Disease Ass Ask Me Ran Pregnant Grandma Grandpa One You Love Someone You Love Grandkids Pregnant Women Incurable Disease

Author:Christopher Titus

“How far would you go for someone you love ? I heard this story, about this woman, who actually lifted a car off of her baby. 'Course I would have said, Dude! Back up. But, wasn't my kid. When I was born, if I'd have known all the stuff my dad was going to do for me, I'd have crawled right back in.”

Ifs Said Stories Kids Courses Stuff Born Known Heard Car Baby Dad My Dad One You Love Someone You Love

Author:Christopher Titus

“When you are a screwed up person, you have a responsibility to keep your normal friends from getting walked on. 'Cos, how bad could you screw that up ? And don't say, Well, you could cause someone six months of physical therapy. 'Cos, hey, lots of times, those exercise take places in pools and nylon tents with little plastic balls. Fun places like that. And, she gets to park up really close for a while. Ha ha, oh, I'm the bad guy.”

Wells Littles Persons Guy Fun Causes Responsibility Months Exercise Normal Six Balls Hey Therapy Parks Pool Plastic Screws Six Months Bad Guys Tents Screwed Up Physical Therapy Nylon

Author:Christopher Titus

“If you want something bad enough, you've got to make a bold move. Just make sure you clear the bold move with the people whose lives it's going to affect. Like George Washington, had to get all those guys who the British killed to agree to die. Neil Armstrong, had to crank a couple of elbows into Buzz Aldrin's face mask to make sure he got on the moon first. And Christopher Titus, well, he worked his dad for five grand. Ha ha. Who can't support who ? I know, it's complicated.”

People Ifs Knows Want Firsts Wells Enough Faces Moving Guy Dies Support Clear Five Couple Dad Moon Agree Complicated British Mask Want Something Elbows Buzz Armstrong Crank Bold Moves

Author:Christopher Titus

“In a normal family, surprise means presents, cake and a party. My family, surprise means homelessness, abandonment and destruction of private property. Sometimes we have cake. We're not losers.”

Mean Sometimes Party Normal My Family Destruction Property Surprise Loser Cake Abandonment Homelessness Private Property Surprise Me Normal Family

Author:Christopher Titus

“In a normal family, a surprise means presents, cake and a party. For me ? I had no idea. And my family, doing something nice is seen as an attack. When I was nine, I 'attacked' my father with a fathers day gift. A visor organiser for his car, because it was useful. And it rhymed. Visor. Organiser. I was nine.”

Mean Ideas Father Party Nice Car Normal My Family Surprise Nine No Idea Cake Fathers Day Surprise Me Normal Family

Author:Christopher Titus

“My parents got divorced. Early and ugly. My mum was nuts so I lived with my dad. We used to play a father/son games. Pin the blame on me, rock, paper, get me another beer, casino night.”

Play Used Night Father Games Parent Rocks Son Dad Paper Blame My Dad Ugly Beer Nuts Mum Divorced Pins Father Son Casinos

Author:Christopher Titus

“Humans are born, small, weak and helpless. That's why we have family. And the elders of the family are the honoured guardians of our country's history. Unfortunately, in America, we, you know, lock those elders away out of view in nursing homes and go about our little lives. It's a great national shame and an irredeemable tragedy. Oh well.”

Knows Humans Wells Littles Country Home America Born Views Weak Tragedy Shame Our Country Locks Helpless Elders Guardian Nursing Oh Well Nursing Home

Author:Christopher Titus

“Humans are born, weak and helpless. We're cursed with natural predators called parents. That's why the grandma was created. To protect us. Oh sure, she's old and frail. But she can kick your dad's ass.”

Humans Parent Born Natural Dad Protect Weak Ass Kicks Helpless Grandma Cursed Predator Frail Your Dad

Author:Christopher Titus

“So what if your custom car shop tanks and you've gotta take a crappy job at an auto parts store, dealing with ignorant, pushy people. I'm okay with that, 'cause I'm an ignorant, pushy people person.”

People Ifs Persons Jobs Causes Car Okay Stores Ignorant Shops What If Customs Tanks Pushy

Author:Christopher Titus

“Get off your ass and do something. All you need is the right inspiration. Anger has fueled me my entire life. It makes me feel good and... I'm okay with that. My fear is that my anger will one day make me so damned successful that I'll actually be happy. And then I'll just stop.”

Needs Feels Inspiration Successful One Day Okay Ass Feel Good

Author:Christopher Titus

“Valentines Day is the day we celebrate real love. A love so strong that two hearts become one. And when she's happy, you're happy. And when she's angry, you can still choose to be happy, 'cos, what's her deal ? You know, I'm happy. Why is she bringing me down, you know ? Oh great, now look, I'm getting all mad. I hope she's happy. Happy Valentine's Day.”

Knows Looks Heart Stills Two Real Strong Deals Angry Mad Celebrate Real Love Valentine Valentine's Day Happy Valentines Happy Valentines Day Choose To Be Happy Two Hearts

Author:Christopher Titus

“Valentines Day is a day we celebrate real love. A love so strong that two hearts become one. Yeah, when you're happy, she's happy. And when you're angry, she's angry. And when you start wallowing in self-pity because your hotrod shop tanks and everybody's against you so you start drinking. And then she moves out and goes and lives with her parents, pfft. Or was that the day after Valentines Day? Doesn't matter. I'll go get another one just like her.”

Heart Two Real Self Matter Moving Strong Parent Yeah Angry Drinking Pity Celebrate Shops Real Love Valentine Valentine's Day Tanks Self Pity Like Her Wallowing Two Hearts

Author:Christopher Titus

“A black widow loves her mate then kills him. A praying mantis loves her mate then eats him. Women love my dad, but he's too big to eat.”

Bigs Black Praying Dad My Dad Mates Widows Black Widow Love My Dad Praying Mantis

Author:Christopher Titus

“I swore I would never get involved in my dad's life. But then he started blowing it. So I had to get involved, you know, but he's my dad, I can't send him to his room or ground him or go to his first grade play and scream, "Look at the fairy!" I was a wood nymph.”

Knows Firsts Looks I Can Play Rooms Dad Involved My Dad Woods Fairy Grades Scream Get Involved Nymphs Blowing It

Author:Christopher Titus

“Bad news has never been broken gently in my family. Because, breaking it gently takes a few extra seconds. And who's got that kinda time? Hey, we maybe failures, but we are very busy.”

Broken News My Family Busy Hey Extras Seconds Bad News

Author:Christopher Titus

“To be successful in life, there are many hurdles you have to get over. For me, the biggest hurdle to success has always been failure. But, growing up, my Dad was always positive... that I'd never amount to anything.”

Success Growing Up Successful Growing Amount Dad My Dad Being Successful Get Over Hurdle

Author:Christopher Titus

“Sometimes, to help the people you love, you've gotta commit a felony.”

People Sometimes Helping Love You Commit Felony

Author:Christopher Titus

“If you ask my dad for help... he'll help. Like a vulture helps an over-run armadillo on a Texas highway. One peck at the time.”

Ifs Helping Running Asks Dad My Dad Texas Highways Vulture Armadillos

Author:Christopher Titus

“Growing up, road trips with Dad were something I hated. Sitting still for hours, singing that stupid song, "100 bottles of beer on the wall. 100 bottles of beer..." Dad, you know, keeping up with the song.”

Knows Stills Song Hours Growing Up Growing Stupid Wall Dad Singing Sitting Beer Hated Bottles Road Trip Sitting Still

Author:Christopher Titus

“Everybody has hope for the perfect love. Normal people are raised to believe that there's someone out there who's your soulmate, your best friend, your lover. My dad always told me that when you find that person, "You gotta nail her"!”

People Believe Persons Perfect Lovers Dad Normal Raised My Dad Your Soul Nails Soulmate Having Hope Your Best Friend Perfect Love Your Soulmate

Author:Christopher Titus

“There's one in every family. When the police calls in the middle of the night and says "We've got a family members of yours under arrest" and you know directly who it is. In my family we have seven of those... And they are all my *Mom*!”

Knows Night Middle Mom Members My Family Police Seven My Mom Family Members Middle Of The Night

Author:Christopher Titus

“Many massacres have happened when people yell "surprise"! Pearl Harbor. The Tet Offensive. My uncle's 50th birthday party. I was there, man! How many more people gotta die?”

People Men Dies Party Happened Surprise Offensive Uncles Pearls Harbors Massacres 50th Birthday Birthday Party

Author:Christopher Titus

“Why should I learn English? I'm never going to England. Shah, pffff, ur, doy.”

Should England Should I

Author:Christopher Titus

“It should be a law. Everybody should legally own a gun. In fact, if you're caught outside your house without your gun, you get a ticket. And you get shot in the leg. Just to prove my point.”

Ifs Should Facts Law House Prove Gun Shots Caught Legs Tickets

Author:Christopher Titus

“Everyone's a racist. It's the one thing that makes us all the same.”

One Thing Racism Racist

Author:Christopher Titus

“In a crisis, my family puts aside all its petty differences and hatreds... Because a crisis, is a perfect opportunity to create *new* petty differences and hatreds! My dad's from that era when you lived to 50, your heart exploded and that was that. You know when you cook bacon and you pour the grease into the can? My dad's the can!”

Knows Heart Opportunity Differences Perfect Dad My Family Hatred Crisis My Dad Eras Cooks Petty Grease

Author:Christopher Titus

“My dad's all I've ever had. When I was 3 and 4, my mom used to take me to bars. I understand why now - babysitters cost beer, beer and-a-half an hour.”

Used Hours Half Mom Dad Cost My Dad My Mom Bars Beer Take Me Babysitter Why Now

Author:Christopher Titus

“I gave my father a heart attack. It was a practical joke. Come on, you push a guy's face in a cake he's got to clean it off. You hit a guy with a water balloon, he's got to dry off. Guy's in the hospital, you get his testicles shaved, he scratches and bleeds for a week... it's funny... you're not supposed to have a heart attack, it kills the joke.”

Heart Faces Guy Father Water Week Jokes Clean Practicals Dry Hospitals Cake Scratches Balloons Heart Attack Testicles Practical Joke

Author:Christopher Titus

“If you want to do something dangerous... Don't tell your girlfriend!”

Ifs Want Dangerous Danger Girlfriend Your Girlfriend

Author:Christopher Titus

“My father thrives on fear. You know that prayer If I should die before I wake? I had sheets that said that!”

Ifs Knows Should Said Dies Father Prayer Thrive Sheets

Author:Christopher Titus

“Socrates said, the unexamined life is not worth living. My dad said, Booty - mmm mmm.”

Said Life Is Dad My Dad Worth Living Booty Life Is Not Worth Living Examined Life Unexamined Life

Author:Christopher Titus

“The only way to tell my Dad something is to write it on a note, and tie it to a brick, and throw it through a window. Of course, now Dad's armed with a brick.”

Way Writing Courses Dad Window Notes My Dad Ties Bricks

Author:Christopher Titus

“Dad is a new person. A person who has learned that forgiveness is better then revenge. Next year, we'll teach him that heart attacks are not like women. You just can't keep having them!”

Years Heart Persons Next Teach Dad Revenge Next Year Heart Attack

Author:Christopher Titus

“A salamander can grow a new tail in three weeks. My dad can score new tail in three minutes.”

Three Grows Week Minutes Dad My Dad Score Tails Salamanders

Author:Christopher Titus

“My dad's full of encouragement and support. It just feels like abandonment and neglect.”

Feels Support Dad Encouragement My Dad Neglect Abandonment Support And Encouragement

Author:Christopher Titus

“In my family, goodness is just badness before its had something to drink.”

Drink Goodness My Family Badness

Author:Christopher Titus

“By the way, six A.M.? Not a real great time for me; you know, I'm a comic. I get off work at two. Six A.M., I'm a little grumpy. Six A.M., I'm a little P.O.ed. Six A.M., I'm like a vampire with a paper route.”

Knows Way Littles Two Real Paper Six Vampire Comic Routes Great Times Grumpy

Author:Christopher Titus

“Of course, here's the weird part. After I fought my dad, all of a sudden we're buddies now. Like he's my friend now, we start hanging out. But we're still the same people. So we'd go out on Sunday, you know, and just be hanging out, then he'd, like, pick a guy, and we'd just go beat the crap out of that guy as a team. Memories, huh?”

People Knows Stills Guy Courses Memories Team Dad Beats Picks My Friends My Dad Sunday Hanging Out Crap Buddy That Guy

Author:Christopher Titus

“My first car was a 1977 Oldsmobile Delta 88. Ugly car. More ugly on this car than a Rolling Stones group photo.”

Firsts Groups Car Stones Ugly Rolling Rolling Stones Delta

Author:Christopher Titus

“My mom had this inate ability. Whatever town my mother moved to, the second she walked into town, she would instantly attract the alpha loser of that town. This guy was not a good guy. This guy was half O.J. Simpson and half O.J. Simpson. Scott Peterson sprinkles on the top, a side of Robert Blake. You know, not a good guy.”

Knows Mother Guy Sides Ability Half Mom Towns Moved My Mom Loser This Guy Good Guy Blake Alphas Sprinkles

Author:Christopher Titus

“I say we spend some money, clean up some junkies and make them all go work for the Red Cross. You ever give blood to the Red Cross? Little paper hatted trainee kid, just sticking you full of holes. Golly, jeez, this is way harder than the deep fryer, how does this work? You get an ex-junkie in there, bap-bap, he's gonna find a vein. You're in, you're out, you got sugar cookie and you're happy!”

Way Giving Littles Doe Kids Blood Paper Red Crosses Harder Clean Holes Sugar Veins Exes Cookies Junkie Red Cross Trainees Giving Blood Sugar Cookies

Author:Christopher Titus

About the Author

Born: October 1, 1964
Known for: Comedian
Quotes: 196

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