Quotessence
Home / Authors / Christopher Titus
Christopher Titus

Christopher Titus Quotes

Comedian

Filter quotes by topic

AllDadIfsKnowsMy DadPeopleGuyFatherMenWellsNormal

Famous Christopher Titus Quotes

“I can't stop some idiot from crashing into a building or blowing up a bus, I can only be your dad and give you a few pure truths. Number one, duct tape will save your life. Number two, Tupac is alive, but I need you to keep that on the DL because of Suge. And number three, don't be afraid of anything - except the television news because they're lying to you every night.”

NeedsGivingI CanTwoLyingNightThreeNumbersAliveTelevisionBuildingDadPureNewsIdiotBusTapeEvery NightNeed YouI Need YouYour DadBlowing UpDuct TapeNumber ThreeTelevision News
Author:Christopher Titus
Create image

“This country you're sitting in right now was not built on love, hugs, time-outs and trophies you didn't earn. This country was built on shame, humiliation and striving to be better. By the way, if you're in this room right now and you're successful... you didn't get there because someone loved you too much or gave you too many hugs or you got a trophy when you lost. You did it because at one point in your life, somebody turned to you and said you're a loser, and in that second, you decided to bust your ass to make them choke on that sentence... Or, your parents gave you the money.”

IfsWaySaidCountryLostParentRoomsSuccessfulToo MuchRight NowSittingBuiltDecidedShameStriveSentencesAssLoserHugHumiliationOne LoveChokeTrophiesLost You
Author:Christopher Titus
Create image

“Being a parent is a life sentence. You see, that's why normal people should not have children because if you raise a kid with only love and support, I guarantee that kid will be in rehab by the time he is 16. Why? Because you never introduced him to Mr. Back-of-Your-Hand. You know why I only broke into a liquor store once? 'Cause my father introduced me to Mr. Back-of-His-Hand and its wiley sidekick, Mr. Foot-in-My-Ass.”

PeopleIfsKnowsShouldChildrenHandsKidsFatherParentSidesSupportFeetNormalRaisesSentencesStoresAssBrokeKicksGuaranteesLiquorOnly LoveSixteenRehabBeing A ParentGuarantees ThatLiquor Stores
Author:Christopher Titus
Create image

“Losing builds character. So, if you're the loser in your family, don't worry. 'Cos twenty years form now, that perfect can do no wrong brother of yours is going to show up at your house, bald, fat, divorced, with six kids who all hate him and he's going to ask you for money. And because of your character, you're going to look him right in the eyes and you're going to say, You know what, I'll give you some money. If you mow my lawn and detail my car. Oh yeah, then you can shampoo the tail. Loser.”

IfsKnowsGivingYearsLooksCharacterShowsEyeKidsFormHateAsksHouseCan DoPerfectWorryCarBrotherSixLosingTwentiesYeahDetailsFatsOur FamilyLoserTailsDivorcedLawnsHate HimShampoo
Author:Christopher Titus
Create image

“Being a teenager is the worst thirty years of your life. But it all changes after that. You get a great car, a great job. You got a wife, kids, you got your health. But then your company is sold out from under you, your stocks tank, your wife's sleeping with the gardener and your teenage daughter is pregnant. And you notice that you have a prostate so hard, you can actually take a hammer to it. But hey, not one zit.”

YearsHardKidsJobsSleepCompanyWifeWorstCarDaughterHeyTeenagerThirtyPregnantTeenageHammersTanksGardenerThirty YearsGreat JobSold OutBeing A TeenagerProstateZitsTeenage Daughter
Author:Christopher Titus
Create image

“Being a teenager is the worst thirty years of your life. Peer pressure, acne, final exams, seven little tiny hairs on your upper lip. Luckily, the girls never noticed your infantile moustache, 'cos they were hyptonised by the fire engine sized zit on your forehead.”

YearsLittlesGirlFireWorstHairPressureSevenFinalsLipsTinyTeenagerThirtyEnginesPeersForeheadsThirty YearsExamPeer PressureInfantileMoustacheAcneBeing A TeenagerZitsFinal Exams
Author:Christopher Titus
Create image

“Your first leader is your dad. 'course he controls your food and shelter, so, he's not really a leader, he's more of a fascist dictator. But dictators have dreams too. Your dad doesn't. He gave them up when he had you. So remember that next time you say, I don't want to cut the lawn. Just shut up and mow the grass and save the lip for your teachers.”

WantFirstsDreamRememberCoursesNextLeaderTeacherCuttingDadLipsGrassShelterDictatorShut UpNext TimeFascistsLawnsYour Dad
Author:Christopher Titus
Create image

“Normal people, fear the day their parents die. Screwed up people, fear that their parents are going to live forever. Showing up at your house at weird hours of the night, smelling all funny, with a bunch of their friends. Hey boy, this is Harold, Cecil and Dicky. Dicky lost his wife about a year ago. I hear Erin made cookies. Where can I put my shoes ? If that doesn't scare you, you're not human.”

PeopleIfsYearsHumansMadeNightDiesHouseLostParentHoursBoysForeverWifeNormalYears AgoShoesBunchHeyScareCookiesLive ForeverShowing UpScrewed UpErin
Author:Christopher Titus
Create image

“Normal people, fear the day their parents die. Screwed up people, fear the day their parents kill. My mum killed a guy, at my wedding. So I can pretty much check that off. But, she's my mum. And no matter what she did I just can't walk away from her. She gave me birth. She gave me love. She gave me the ability to make a cigarette fire look like it was started by the hot water heater.”

PeopleLooksI CanMatterGuyDiesParentWaterAbilityWalksFireBirthNormalHotNo Matter WhatChecksMumCigaretteScrewed UpHot Water
Author:Christopher Titus
Create image

“Normal people, want to be accepted. Screwed up people, want to be accepted. It's one of the few things we have in common. My whole life, all I ever wanted was my dad to pat me on the top of the head and go, Who's a good boy ? Who's a good boy? But, instead, all he ever did was wipe peanut butter on the end of my nose and laugh while I tried to lick it off.”

PeopleWantEndsWholeWantedCommonBoysLaughingAcceptanceDadNormalMy DadAcceptedWhole LifeNosesWipePeanutsScrewed UpPeanut ButterGood Boy
Author:Christopher Titus
Create image

“There's a one in six billion chance you're gonna find your soul mate. But, maybe, your perfect soul mate is actually three or four half perfect people. How far are you willing to go to actually find that perfect somebody... ies. If you're not willing to make a group of people your soul mate then you'd better plan on being alone. You'll always have television.”

PeopleIfsSoulThreeChancePerfectHalfFourPlansGroupsTelevisionWillingSixBillionsYour SoulMatesSoul Mate
Author:Christopher Titus
Create image

“There's a one in six billion chance you'll find your soul mate. And that's if they're not dead. At best they're probably living in some Siberian ice cave eating bugs and weaving beads into their back hair. But they're out there. My dad believed that to find your perfect soul mate, first, you had to look through a bunch of other guys' soul mates.”

IfsFirstsLooksSoulGuyChancePerfectHairDadSixEatingMy DadBillionsBunchIceYour SoulMatesCavesBugsOther GuysSoul MateWeavingBeads
Author:Christopher Titus
Create image

“Blood doesn't make you family. Hell, an only child can bleed. It's the sharing of pain that makes you family. 'Cause, you can't really love a brother or sister until you know that they're as scarred and broken as you are. And, hey, if you grow up with a father like mine and you aren't at least a little scarred and broken, well then, that's not your father. You were spawned by an entirely different guy.”

IfsKnowsWellsChildrenLittlesDifferentPainGuyFatherGrowsCausesHellGrowing UpBloodMinesBrotherBrokenHeyOnly ChildDifferent Guys
Author:Christopher Titus
Create image

“Thanksgiving is a holiday that brought together two different cultures. And things might not always work out like you think they should. But they always work out. I'm thankful that the world's in perfect harmony at all times. Pilgrims had it tough. But now, we live in the strongest, most prosperous country in the world. And the Indians, well, you know.”

ThinkingKnowsWorldShouldWellsTwoDifferentCountryMightTogetherCulturePerfectLike YouToughHarmonyWork OutAll TimeHolidayStrongestProsperousPilgrimDifferent CulturesPerfect HarmonyProsperous Country
Author:Christopher Titus
Create image

“Thanksgiving is a holiday that brought together two different cultures. The pilgrims came here with the best intentions. They decided to flee an oppressive people and move to a new land. Where they thrived. And became an oppressive people. You get certain people on the same continent, there's going to be a problem. Pilgrims and Indians. Protestants, Catholics. My family, anybody else's family.”

PeopleTwoDifferentProblemTogetherMovingCertainCultureLandMy FamilyDecidedCatholicIntentionHolidayContinentsProtestantsPilgrimDifferent CulturesBest Intentions
Author:Christopher Titus
Create image