Quotessence
Home / Authors / Ellen DeGeneres
Ellen DeGeneres

Ellen DeGeneres Quotes

Comedian

Filter quotes by topic

AllPeopleIfsThinkingFunnyKnowsHumorWantWayFeelsShouldTryingNeedsKindPersonsGivingI CanImportantAnimalBelieveComedy

Famous Ellen DeGeneres Quotes

“Procrastination is not the problem. It is the solution. It is the universe's way of saying stop, slow down, you move too fast. Listen to the music. Whoa whoa, listen to the music. Because music makes the people come together, it makes the bourgeois and the rebel. So come on people now, smile on your brother, everybody try to love one another. Because what the world needs now is love, sweet love. And I know that love is a battlefield, but boogie on reggae woman because you're gonna make it after all. So celebrate good times, come on. I've gotta stop I've gotta come to my senses, I've been out riding fences for so long... oops I did it again... um... What I'm trying to say is, if you leave tonight and you don't remember anything else that I've said, leave here and remember this: Procrastinate now, don't put it off.”

HumorTruth
Author:Ellen DeGeneres
Create image

“What’s not so great is that all this technology is destroying our social skills. Not only have we given up on writing letters to each other, we barely even talk to each other. People have become so accustomed to texting that they’re actually startled when the phone rings. It’s like we suddenly all have Batphones. If it rings, there must be danger. Now we answer, “What happened? Is someone tied up in the old sawmill?” “No, it’s Becky. I just called to say hi.” “Well you scared me half to death. You can’t just pick up the phone and try to talk to me like that. Don’t the tips of your fingers work?”

HumorCommunicationPhonesTexting
Book:Seriously... I'm Kidding
Create image

“I'm a - I'm a, um, a godmother which is just, that's fun to be a godmother, she is so precious, she's the light of my life, she's two... or five or something, and she's, uh... I don't know, I've never seen her - the pictures are precious, she just seems so, y'know... She lives clear across town, I don't have that kind of time, but, um... Well, I send money and stuff, it's not like I don't have a connection...”

KnowsWellsKindTwoHumorLightSeemsFunnyFunStuffClearFiveConnectionsTownsGodmotherLight Of My Life
Author:Ellen DeGeneres
Create image

“I gotta work out. I keep saying it all the time. I keep saying I gotta start working out. Its been about two months since I've worked out. And I just don't have the time. Which uh..is odd. Because I have the time to go out to dinner. And uh..and watch TV. And get a bone density test. And uh.. try to figure out what my phone number spells in words.”

TryingTwoHumorFunnyNumbersWatchesFiguresTvsMonthsTestsPhonesWork OutDinnerBonesOddSpellsTwo MonthsDensityPhone Numbers
Author:Ellen DeGeneres
Create image

“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.”

KnowsLifeHumorFunnyWalksHellFiveHealthWalkingExerciseSevenMilesBirthdayGrandmotherSarcasmHikingSixtyGrandparentGrandchildrenMy GrandmotherHilariousNinetyGrandmaStrollingGrandpaChildren And GrandchildrenMy GrandchildrenGrandkidsParents And GrandparentsMy GrandmaYour GrandmotherGrandparents DayGrandchildren And GrandparentsRampGrandparents From GrandchildrenWalking OutMother And GrandmotherFunny GrandparentGrandmother And GrandchildrenMother GrandmotherFunny GrandmotherBeing A GrandmotherGrand MotherHappy Mothers Day GrandmotherFunny GrandchildrenGrandmas And MomsBeing A GrandmaMothers Day GrandmaWalking AloneWalking HomeWalking Forward
Author:Ellen DeGeneres
Create image

“I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.”

PeopleThinkingHumorFunnyBeautifulMotherHumanityAsksAnimalWallMomPhotographCrueltyAttractiveSarcasticVegetarianVeganAnimal RightsHuntingDeerAnimal WelfareAnimal CrueltyWild AnimalVegetarian HealthAnimal WorldAnimal LifeAnimal AbuseAnimal TestingAnimal Rights ActivistsHunting And FishingWildlife AnimalsAnimal InstinctTaxidermyAnimal ExperimentationDeer Hunting
Author:Ellen DeGeneres
Create image