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Jon Stewart Quotes

Satirist

Jon Stewart, born on November 28, 1962, is an American satirist, comedian, writer, and television host. He is best known for his work on 'The Daily Show', where he used satire and humor to deeply analyze American politics and social issues.

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All People Ifs Knows Thinking President Want Way Years America Country Shows War Giving Two World Iraq Guy I Can News Firsts

Famous Jon Stewart Quotes

“Cause if there's one thing Islamic terrorists don't have is....(seriously thinking about it)....%#@&!”

Ifs Thinking Causes One Thing Terrorist Islamic

Author:Jon Stewart

“So, is there hope for a truly democratic Africa? Long answer: Only if continent-wide improvements in education, human rights and public health are coupled with an aggressive and far-sighted debt-relief program that breaks the cycle of subsistence farming and urban squalor. Short answer: No.”

Ifs Humans Long Answers Break Rights Program Democratic Human Rights Debt Wide Improvement Relief Cycles Aggressive Continents Urban Farming Public Health Subsistence Squalor

Author:Jon Stewart

“If you don't stick to your values when they're being tested, they're not values: they're hobbies.”

Ifs Motivational Values Sticks Hobbies Tested Core Values Daily Show

Author:Jon Stewart

“If everything is amplified, we hear nothing.”

Ifs

Author:Jon Stewart

“You can use your idealism to further your aims, if you realize that nothing is Nirvana, nothing is perfect.”

Ifs Use Realizing Perfect Aim Idealism Utopia Nothing Is Perfect

Author:Jon Stewart

“Don't confuse [Father's Day] with Valentine's Day, and here's why. Boy, will you creep him out. I can just tell you from last year, uh, even if they do like chocolate, they don't want it from their son.”

Ifs Want Years I Can Lasts Father Boys Son Chocolate Last Year Valentine Valentine's Day Creeps Fathers Day

Author:Jon Stewart

“I've always run by the hierarchy of "If not funny, interesting. If not interesting, hot. If not hot, bizarre. If not bizarre, break something."”

Ifs Running Fun Interesting Break Hot Bizarre Hierarchy

Author:Jon Stewart

“A guy comes down to earth, takes your sins, dies, and comes back three days later. You believe in him and go to heaven forever. How do you get from that to Hide-The-Eggs? Did Jesus have a problem with eggs? Did he go, "When I come back, if I see any eggs, the whole salvation thing is off."”

Ifs Believe Whole Problem Earth Guy Dies Three Jesus Heaven Sin Forever Salvation Eggs Easter Down To Earth

Author:Jon Stewart

“Happy Valentine's Day! And if this is news to you, my guess is you're probably alone. Valentine's Day is often times a, well, it's a manufactured day that really doesn't mean anything.”

Ifs Wells Mean Funny News Valentine Valentine's Day Funny Valentines Day Funny Valentine Happy Valentines Happy Valentines Day Funny Anti Valentine Funny Single Valentines Day Anti Valentines Day Funny Anti Valentines Day Funny Being Single

Author:Jon Stewart

“Even if the flag burning amendment does become law, the larger problem will remain of how to respectfully dispose of older, tattered flags. Well, fortunately the U.S. official Flag Code has a suggestion about this. "The flag, when it is in such a condition that it is no longer a fitting emblem of display, should be destroyed in a dignified way, preferably by burning." Owwwwcchh. In response, the House Republicans are calling for tattered flags to be kept alive via a feeding tube.”

“Get a sense of humor. If you don't, it'll be incredibly frustrating.”

Ifs Sense Of Humor Frustrating

Author:Jon Stewart

“If it turns out that President Barack Obama can make a deal with the most intransigent, hard-line, unreasonable, totalitarian mullahs in the world but not with Republicans? Maybe he's not the problem.”

“If I'd only followed CNBC's advice, I'd have a million dollars today. Provided I'd started with a hundred million dollars.”

Ifs Today Millions Advice Hundred Dollars Investing Million Dollars

Author:Jon Stewart

“I still do not understand how a corporation can have person-hood if it has no soul and never dies.”

Ifs Persons Stills Soul Dies Corporations Hood Personhood

Author:Jon Stewart

“Who cares how we avoided a war and got a dictator to give up his chemical weapons if we avoided a war and got a dictator to give up his chemical weapons.”

Ifs Giving War Care Giving Up Weapons Chemicals Dictator Who Cares Avoided Chemical Weapons

Author:Jon Stewart

“Everyone knows if a Republican comes out of the closet and sees a gay shadow, it means six more years of a Democratic administration.”

Ifs Knows Years Mean Republican Gay Six Shadow Democratic Administration Closets

Author:Jon Stewart

“President Bush's approval ratings have taken somewhat of a dive. A senior slump, if you will. Leading President Bush to one conclusion: He is the only one who realizes what a great job he's being doing.”

Ifs Jobs President Realizing Taken Conclusion Approval Senior President Bush Rating Great Job Slumps Approval Rating

Author:Jon Stewart

“You know if I had nickel for every time Bush has mentioned 9/11, I could raise enough reward money to go after Bin Laden.”

Ifs Knows Enough Raises Rewards Bin Laden Nickels

Author:Jon Stewart

“Bush advisers have long been worried that a lagging economy could hamper the president's re-election chances. They hope that the Cabinet shake-up will provide a needed jolt. If that doesn't work, North Korea has to go.”

Ifs Long President Chance Economy Needed Election Worried Shakes Korea North Korea Cabinets Adviser Hamper

Author:Jon Stewart

“Ralph Nader choose the man with whom to share the responsibility of running a distant third, California activist Peter Camejo. You may remember that Camejo ran for president in 1976 on the Socialist Workers Party ticket. Actually, you might only remember that if you run a lesbian, vegetarian, bookstore.”

Ifs Men May Might Running Remember President Party Responsibility Share He Man Thirds Workers California Ran Activist Vegetarian Peter Tickets Socialist Bookstores

Author:Jon Stewart

“The press is our immune system. If it overreacts to everything, we eventually get sicker.”

Ifs Presses Immune Immune System

Author:Jon Stewart

“Why do I have to follow CNN on Twitter? If I want to follow CNN, I can follow them on CNN.”

Ifs Want Inspirational I Can Cnn

Author:Jon Stewart

About the Author

Born: November 28, 1962
Known for: Satirist
Quotes: 528

Books & Sources

America (The Book): A Citizen's Guide to Democracy InactionRelated source material

Earth (The Book): A Visitor's Guide to the Human RaceRelated source material

Miscellaneous writingsRelated source material

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