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Justin Halpern

Justin Halpern Quotes

Author

Justin Halpern is an American author known for his memoir 'I'm Just a Guy, I'm Not a Drug Dealer'. The book is based on his personal experiences and tells the story of his journey from a typical teenager to a successful writer.

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All People Ifs Feels Book Like You Want Worry Bullshit Father I Can

Famous Justin Halpern Quotes

“See, you think I give a shit. Wrong. In fact, while you talk, I'm thinking; How can I give less of shit? That's why I look interested.”

Author:Justin Halpern

“It's never the right time to have kids, but it's always the right time for screwing. God's not a dumb shit. He knows how it works.”

Babies Procreation

Book:Sh*t My Dad Says

Source: Sh*t My Dad Says

“People are always trying to tell you how to feel. Some of them say it outright, and some of them, they tell you with their actions. And you have to listen.”

People Life Feelings Advice Decisions Finding Your Way

Author:Justin Halpern

“Cheating’s not easy. You probably think it is, but it ain’t. I bet you’d suck more at cheating than whatever it was you were trying to do legitimately.”

Author:Justin Halpern

“Your penis betrayed you, son. Made you think stupid. It won't be the last time that happens.”

Book:Sh*t My Dad Says

Source: Sh*t My Dad Says

“There seem to be a lot of gay people there...Oh please, as if that's what I meant by that. Trust me, none of them would ever want to fuck you anyway. They're gay, not blind.”

Gay People Attractiveness

Book:Sh*t My Dad Says

Source: Sh*t My Dad Says

“You stand in front of an electric fence and whip your dick out to take a piss on it, it's pretty clear you're about to make a mistake. Other than that, you pretty much have no way of knowing.”

Book:I Suck at Girls

Source: I Suck at Girls

“Los Angeles is like San Diego's older, uglier sister that has herpes.”

Los Angeles San Diego Herpes

Author:Justin Halpern

“[The] majority of the girls working there had major emotional problems. And not cries-too-much emotional problems; more like stabs-her-boyfriend-with-a-steak-knife-then-falls-into-a-corner-and-starts-whispering-to-herself emotional problems.”

Problem Fall Girl Too Much Cry Emotional Majors Majority Corners Knives Whispering Steak Emotional Problems

Author:Justin Halpern

“You're like a tornado of bullshit right now. We'll talk again when your bullshit dies out over someone else's house.”

Dies House Right Now Bullshit Tornadoes

Author:Justin Halpern

“People are always trying to tell you how they feel. Some of them say it outright, and some of them, they tell you with their actions. And you have to listen. I don't know what will happen with your lady friend. I think she's a nice person, and I hope you get what you want. But do me a favor: Listen, and don't ignore what you hear.”

People Thinking Knows Want Feels Trying Persons Happens Action Nice What You Want Favors Always Trying Nice Person

Author:Justin Halpern

“Why would you throw a ball in someone's face?...Huh. That's a pretty good reason. Well, I can't do much about your teacher being pissed, but me and you are good.”

Wells I Can Reason Faces Teacher Balls

Book:Sh*t My Dad Says

Source: Sh*t My Dad Says

“The worst thing you can be is a liar. . . . Okay, fine, yes, the worst thing you can be is a Nazi, but then number two is liar. Nazi one, liar two.”

Two Numbers Worst Fine Okay Liars Nazi Worst Things

Author:Justin Halpern

“That woman was sexy. . . . Out of your league? Son, let women figure out why they won't screw you. Don't do it for them.”

Figures Son Sexy League Screws Screw You

Book:Sh*t My Dad Says

Source: Sh*t My Dad Says

“You go ahead. I'd rather not be shot out of a tube into a pool filled with a bunch of nine-year-olds' urine.”

Years Shots Filled Nine Bunch Pool Tubes Nine Years

Book:Sh*t My Dad Says

Source: Sh*t My Dad Says

“The baby will talk when he talks, relax. It ain't like he knows the cure for cancer and just ain't spitting it out.”

Knows Baby Cancer Cures Relax

Book:Shit My Dad Says

Source: Shit My Dad Says

“You worry too much. Eat some bacon...what? No, I got no idea if it'll make you feel better, I just made too much bacon.”

Ifs Inspirational Feels Made Ideas Worry Too Much No Idea Feel Better

Author:Justin Halpern

“If it's not bourbon or sweatpants, it's going in the garbage.... No, don't get creative. Now is not a creative time. Now is a bourbon and sweatpants time.”

Ifs Creative Garbage Bourbon Sweatpants

Book:Shit My Dad Says

Source: Shit My Dad Says

“When it's asshole-tightening time, that's when you see what people are made of. Or at least what their asshole is made of.”

Book:Shit My Dad Says

Source: Shit My Dad Says

“Oh spare me, being stuck in your bedroom is not like prison. You don't have to worry about being gang-raped in your bedroom.”

Worry Prison Stuck Bedroom Spares Gang

Author:Justin Halpern

“You say you’re sick, huh? Well, it looks like you’ve come down with a case of bullshit.”

Wells Looks Cases Like You Sick Bullshit

Book:Sh*t My Dad Says

Source: Sh*t My Dad Says

“On My Last-Place Finish in the 50-Yard Dash During Little League Tryouts “It kinda looked like you were being attacked by a bunch of bees or something. Then when I saw the fat kid with the watch who was timing you start laughing…. Well, I’ll just say it’s never a good sign when a fat kid laughs at you.”

Wells Littles Kids Lasts Watches Laughing Saws Like You Bunch Fats League Bees Timing Yards Little League Last Place Fat Kid Tryouts

Author:Justin Halpern

“On My First Driving Lesson “First things first: A car has five gears. What is that smell?…Okay, first thing before that first thing: Farting in a car that’s not moving makes you an asshole.”

Firsts Moving Five Car Lessons Okay Smell Driving Gears First Things First

Author:Justin Halpern

“What Im trying to say is that what makes you up, its always been around, and it always will be around. So really the only thing you should worry about is the part you're at right now. Where you got a body and a head and all that bullshit. Just worry about living, dying is the easy part.”

Should Trying Body Easy Worry Dying Right Now Bullshit

Author:Justin Halpern

“Eventually, though, I came to the conclusion that I was the male equivalent of a Toyota Camry. You know: No one ever says, "I have to have a Toyota Camry." But most people who spend some time in a Camry start to like it. "It's pretty reliable," they think. "It doesn't have a lot of problems, and it's not bad to look at. You know what? I'd probably prefer a nicer car. But I can live with a Camry.”

People Thinking Knows Looks I Can Problem Car Males Conclusion Toyota

Author:Justin Halpern

“No, you can't go getting mad at people because they're shitty. Life will get mad at them, don't worry.”

People Worry Mad

Book:Sh*t My Dad Says

Source: Sh*t My Dad Says

“I just want silence... Jesus, it doesn't mean I don't like you. It just means right now, I like silence more.”

Want Mean Jesus Silence Like You Right Now I Don't Like You

Book:Shit My Dad Says

Source: Shit My Dad Says

“My parents had irrational fears of Mexico and assumed that once you crossed the border, drug runners made you swallow a heroin balloon and then within the hour you were in a bathtub full of ice and they were harvesting your kidneys.”

Made Parent Hours Drug Ice Borders Mexico Irrational Runners Heroin Balloons Kidneys Bathtubs Irrational Fear

Book:Shit My Dad Says

Source: Shit My Dad Says

“Sometimes its nice when people you love need you.”

People Needs Sometimes Nice Need You

Book:Shit My Dad Says

Source: Shit My Dad Says

“Although Kurt Vonnegut may not be considered a humor writer, 'Breakfast of Champions' is one of the funniest books I've ever read.”

May Book Champion Breakfast Breakfast Of Champions

Author:Justin Halpern

“I'm not a guy who curses very much in my personal life. When I curse it sounds like a kid trying to be cool. But I think there are quite a few people, my father being one of them, who use curse words rather eloquently.”

People Thinking Trying Use Kids Guy Father Sound Curse Personal Life Being Cool Curse Words

Author:Justin Halpern

“On Furnishing One's Home - Pick your furniture like you pick a wife; it should make you feel comfortable and look nice, but not so nice that if someone walks past it they want to steal it.”

Ifs Want Feels Should Looks Home Past Walks Nice Wife Like You Comfortable Picks Stealing Furniture

Author:Justin Halpern

“I was an angst-y journal writing kid.”

Writing Kids Journal Angst Journal Writing

Author:Justin Halpern

“I almost feel like I'm unoffendable now. I can roll with whatever.”

Author:Justin Halpern

“Writing a book is incredibly pleasurable, but very solitary. You have total control, but sometimes that can drive you insane.”

Writing Book Sometimes Insane Solitary Writing A Book

Author:Justin Halpern

“Before I proposed to my now-wife, I was understandably nervous. My father suggested that I take stock of all of my experiences and relationships with women, from my earliest memories to present day, and see if I had learned anything that might inform my decision.”

Ifs Might Father Memories Decision Wife Nervous Present Day

Author:Justin Halpern

“I feel like if I'm going to give you a book about my dad, then I really want to give you my dad, because he is interesting and he is funny and if you're buying a book about him, I don't want you to have to sit through stuff that's not him.”

Ifs Want Giving Feels Book Stuff Interesting Dad My Dad Buying

Author:Justin Halpern

“I just wanted to compile these stories about growing up with my father and I wanted people to be able to enjoy them individually, but also the entire book as a whole.”

People Book Whole Stories Able Wanted Father Enjoy Growing Up Growing

Author:Justin Halpern

“I kind of came to the conclusion after I did finally get married that love and relationships are just a series of horrific losses with hopefully one win.”

Kind Winning Loss Married Series Conclusion Hopefully Horrific Love And Relationship

Author:Justin Halpern

“The Internet has really democratized ideas. There are no real gatekeepers any more, because if you have a great idea, and you put it online, people will find it and it will get in front of who it needs to get in front of.”

People Ifs Needs Ideas Real Fronts Internet Online Great Idea Gatekeepers

Author:Justin Halpern

“The thing with Bill Shatner is he brings something unique to everything he does. He's not the obvious choice for anything, but he always brings something special to it.”

Doe Choices Special Unique Bills Obvious Something Special

Author:Justin Halpern

“There is no definitive guidebook on how to pick the right partner, and even if there were, I'm way too dumb to write it.”

Ifs Way Writing Picks Partners Dumb

Author:Justin Halpern

About the Author

Born: September 3, 1980
Known for: Author
Quotes: 42

Related Topics

People Ifs Feels Book Like You Want Worry Bullshit Father I Can

Popular Topics

People Ifs Thinking Knows Men World Way Want Love Life Inspirational Needs Giving Feels Should Writing Trying Years Mind Firsts

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