Quotessence
Home / Authors / Olga Trujillo Biography

Olga Trujillo Biography

Author

Related Quotes

“One morning in early June, I woke up with my usual anxious thoughts. I worried that Mike wouldn't like me anymore, that I wasn't good enough to play with him and his friends. What I didn't know then was that anxious, obsessive worrying helped my mind keep parts of me that had been raped and abused shut away, removed from my consciousness. Although the worrying was unpleasant, it served as a superficial distraction. It helped me get out of bed, focus on something else, and go on with my day.”

WorryAnxietyAnxious ThoughtsObsessive Thinking
Book:The Sum of My Parts: A Survivor's Story of Dissociative Identity Disorder
Create image

“I was so moved that she remembered my birthday that I cried harder than I had in years. When I returned her call, she told me her computer was broken and she couldn't afford to replace it. My heart fell. As I had done so many times before, I went to her rescue. Still on the phone, I went online and bought her a new laptop, top-of-the-line. That was what she had really called for, She thanked me and hung up. I went to Casey, sobbing. Soon afterward, I closed the bank account and asked my mom to not ask me for any more gifts or money. Now my relationship with my mom is very limited, and it's still very painful for me. She continues to occasionally send me bills she can't pay. I respond by telling her that I love her but I cannot pay her bills.”

Selfish PeopleChild Abuse SurvivorBeing IgnoredEmotional NeglectAbusive MotherBad ParentingBeing UsedDrama TriangleRescuing Others
Book:The Sum of My Parts: A Survivor's Story of Dissociative Identity Disorder
Create image

“I understood these things intellectually, the way I understand that the world is round or that gravity is a universal force. But it took me a long time to truly grasp what Dr. Summer had told me many times before: "To survive a violent childhood, you created aspects of your consciousness that held information about the violence away from you. That's why you remember it as if it happened to someone else. You have many ways of being you.”

Dissociative Identity DisorderDissociationMultiplicityAlter PersonalitiesDissociative DisorderDissociative Parts
Book:The Sum of My Parts: A Survivor's Story of Dissociative Identity Disorder
Create image

“Some of the parts inside me were ready to come up and tell what had happened, but others didn't want me to know they even existed, I learned that when parts were in conflict with each other or didn't like what I was doing, I felt pain and panic, Dr. Summer encouraged me to pay attention to the parts and address the issues they raised, but to also challenge them and keep doing as many of my normal activities as I could.”

Dissociative Identity DisorderMultiple Personality DisorderAlter PersonalitiesDissociative Parts
Book:The Sum of My Parts: A Survivor's Story of Dissociative Identity Disorder
Create image

“I closed my hand into a fist and captured the details of the feeling for later, when I might need them. Storing thoughts in my fist was a way of creating parts of myself, brighter rooms in the house that was my mind, parts that could hold on to feelings of being loved.”

Dissociative Identity DisorderAlter PersonalitiesDissociative Parts
Book:The Sum of My Parts: A Survivor's Story of Dissociative Identity Disorder
Create image

“The diagnosis shouldn't have surprised me, as we had been talking about my symptoms for so long. But it's easier to think you just have a bunch of parts inside. Everyone says things like "A part of me wants to go to the movies, but another part of me wants to just stay home." Using the term "part" made me feel normal. I knew I was a little different in that my parts were quite separate aspects of me. I knew my consciousness wasn't whole and knew that it was unusual to have some thoughts come to me in Spanish. I knew most people didn't experience terror and struggle to catch their breath when they were in benign situations. But we hadn't been calling this DID, so I'd been able to avoid fully accepting the implications of having these special parts.”

Mental IllnessDissociative Identity DisorderAlter PersonalitiesDissociative PartsPersonality States
Book:The Sum of My Parts: A Survivor's Story of Dissociative Identity Disorder
Create image

“The first time I caught the ball before it touched the ground, Mike yelled, "Good job!" I held on to the feeling, capturing his words in my fist. In this way I created a part that could play basketball—a part that could focus on the ball to the exclusion of all other distractions. These types of "happy" and "good" parts countered desperate times and feelings and made it possible for me to succeed in school, receive praise and positive reactions from others, excel fearlessly in sports, and develop friendships.”

Dissociative Identity DisorderAlter PersonalitiesDissociative DisorderDissociative Parts
Book:The Sum of My Parts: A Survivor's Story of Dissociative Identity Disorder
Create image

“Over and over, I thought, I needed to separate into parts in my head. I needed to separate into parts in my head, but I couldn't make sense of this. They were just words that didn't come together into something meaningful. A thought came up, I chased it and was able to hold on to it long enough to ponder it: I could not know this or something bad would have happened.”

Dissociative Identity DisorderDissociationAlter PersonalitiesDissociative Parts
Book:The Sum of My Parts: A Survivor's Story of Dissociative Identity Disorder
Create image

“It seems like someone new is here?" I nodded. "Is it okay to talk to you?" I nodded again. "Are you the one who doesn't like the grocery store? "Yes," came the same soft voice. "What is it about the grocery store?" "It's not the store; it's the people. We get scared that some big person is going to hurt us. So we don't let her go places where there are lots of people." I felt dizziness in my head and then a different voice—a little stronger but still young—came out: "And then there's all that noise. We won't let her go in places with too much noise." "Is there someone new here?" "Yes." Is it okay if we talk together?" "Yes." "What's the problem with the noise?" "It was always noisy. A lot of yelling and crying. There was too much going on." "Is that the same kind of problem, the other part has?" "Yes. It's too hard for her to watch everyone to figure out who is going to hurt us next." "Don't you think Olga can take care of you?" "We want to think that, but we aren't sure." "Why is that?" "Because she couldn't take care of us before." "Do you all know what year it is?" "1968?" "Oh, I see. No, it's 1996, and Olga is big now. You all live inside her, and she has learned about you. She is also learning how to stop people from hurting you. She is strong and powerful. Were you there when she stopped the woman in the office from yelling at you?" It's 1996? She's big?" I paused to let the information sink in to all the parts that were listening. "She stopped people from yelling at us?" "Yes." Dr. Summer watched and waited. Home had been so chaotic. I had to watch Popi, Mike, Alex, and my mom very carefully. But I don't live there anymore. I'm grown up now.”

TherapyDissociative Identity DisorderPsychotherapyAlter PersonalitiesDissociative DisorderDissociative AmnesiaDissociative PartsTherapy Session
Book:The Sum of My Parts: A Survivor's Story of Dissociative Identity Disorder
Create image

“I did well at the Department of Justice. Some of my parts were hard workers. My well-developed memory helped me remember people: their names and positions and what they said during meetings. Rather than making me seem checked out, my dissociation made me seem calm and collected. In fact, the general dissociative state I was always in helped me function very well. I collected information, interacted on a personal and professional level, and was quite adept at managing most tasks in my life from this superficially numb and calm place. Most people, including me, didn't notice. This way of being and interacting was really all I knew. From that mild dissociation, I quickly went into a deeper dissociative state if there was conflict around me, if someone expressed strong emotions, or if something unpredictable happened. Although these difficult situations triggered me, they brought out behavior that helped me do well when the going got tough.”

Dissociative Identity DisorderDissociationStereotypesMultiple Personality DisorderMultiple PersonalitiesAlter PersonalitiesDissociative DisordersSurvival Mechanism
Book:The Sum of My Parts: A Survivor's Story of Dissociative Identity Disorder
Create image

“My mind instinctively developed new parts to specialize in skills I needed to make it through law school. They learned to focus on the important information: the outlines, the nutshells, and what each case meant.”

Dissociative Identity DisorderMultiple Personality DisorderMultiple PersonalitiesAlter PersonalitiesDissociative DisorderDissociative PartsDissociative Identities
Book:The Sum of My Parts: A Survivor's Story of Dissociative Identity Disorder
Create image

“I came to understand intellectually that my mind used dissociation as a way to protect me from knowing things. Dr. Summer repeatedly explained, "If you had woken up every morning and knew that later that day or evening you would be abused, you would have killed yourself". I would always nod, as if in agreement. It all made sense in a theoretical way, but I could not and did not want to truly understand or accept what had happened to me.”

Child AbuseDissociative Identity DisorderDissociationChild Sexual AbuseDissociative DisorderDissociative AmnesiaChild Abuse Survivor
Book:The Sum of My Parts: A Survivor's Story of Dissociative Identity Disorder
Create image

“I started crying. "When will it stop hurting?" "I don't know. I wish I could tell you. I wish I could take the pain away. But it will get better and easier for you over time.”

GriefHealing QuotesEmotional PainChild Sexual AbuseHealing The PastHealing From AbuseRecovery From AbuseChild Abuse Survivor
Book:The Sum of My Parts: A Survivor's Story of Dissociative Identity Disorder
Create image

“I finally had the courage to start talking about how I developed dissociation as a coping mechanism as a child and carried that through my life, I talked about being trained to initiate and accommodate abuse and about how these coping mechanisms carried over for me as a teenager and young adult.”

Dissociative Identity DisorderDissociationChild Sexual AbuseDissociative DisorderCoping MechanismChild Abuse SurvivorCoping Strategies
Book:The Sum of My Parts: A Survivor's Story of Dissociative Identity Disorder
Create image

“When David and I went to visit my mom, she treated me well and seemed interested in our lives, focusing less on what she needed from me or how I should be taking care of her. Mom saved those conversations for our daily phone calls because she thought David wouldn't find out about this other side other. But he could see the changes in me when I talked to my mom.”

Two FacedManipulative PeopleManipulativenessManipulative MotherTwo Faced Out People
Book:The Sum of My Parts: A Survivor's Story of Dissociative Identity Disorder
Create image

“It upset him to see my family spend so much money and watch me rescue them. He didn't like bailing my mom out of the consequences of her impulsive buying decisions and encouraged me to help her set up a budget instead”

RescuingRescuerRescuing OthersImpulsive BehaviorIrresponsible PeopleBailing Out Others
Book:The Sum of My Parts: A Survivor's Story of Dissociative Identity Disorder
Create image

“I was shocked and terrified to hear Dr. Summer say I had what was formerly known as multiple personality disorder. Is that like Sybil? Am I like the woman in The Three Faces of Eve? My head began to spin. What do I have inside of me? Is there a crazy person in there? What am I? I felt like a freak. I was afraid to have anyone know. I have a mental illness. People make fun of people like me. Upon hearing my diagnosis, I stopped thinking of myself as smart, creative, or clever. Even though Dr. Summer had worked hard to help me understand that I had developed an amazingly adaptive survival technique, I no longer thought of it that way at all. I was overwhelmed by fear and shame. The words multiple personality disorder echoed in my mind. I thought of all the ways people with multiple personalities were ridiculed and marginalized: They're locked away in mental institutions. They are really sick. I'm not going to be the subject of people's jokes. I am a lawyer. I work at the U.S. Department of Justice. The more I thought about it, the deeper my despair grew.”

CrazyMental IllnessRidiculeDissociative Identity DisorderStereotypesMultiple Personality DisorderMental Illness StigmaMental HospitalSybilSelf Stigma
Book:The Sum of My Parts: A Survivor's Story of Dissociative Identity Disorder
Create image

“From that mild dissociation, I quickly went into a deeper dissociative state if there was conflict around me, if someone expressed strong emotions, or if something unpredictable happened. Although these difficult situations triggered me, they brought out behavior that helped me do well when the going got tough. I loved solving problems and getting into the thick of things and also had well-developed skills in reading people and anticipating their needs.”

Dissociative Identity DisorderDissociationDissociatedTriggeredDissociative StateMild Dissociation
Book:The Sum of My Parts: A Survivor's Story of Dissociative Identity Disorder
Create image

“Controlling my environment was still a compelling need for me. I did everything I could to not be surprised by anything... Looking back, I think that my need to predict how my day was going to unfold was a direct response to the amount of chaos in my childhood.”

Complex PtsdControllingAbuse SurvivorChild Abuse SurvivorEffects Of Child AbuseControlling OthersAbusive ChildhoodNeed For Control
Book:The Sum of My Parts: A Survivor's Story of Dissociative Identity Disorder
Create image

“As I was growing up, no one in my family got their needs met through respectful negotiation and compromise. The only victories I had ever seen my mom achieve were small, and she had accomplished them through manipulation, which was one of the few techniques she had for surviving her relationship with my father. Later, after his death, manipulation had become a way of life for her. It became innate for me too, even though I wanted her to be more direct, and I hated it when she manipulated me.”

Emotional AbuseManipulativeDysfunctional FamiliesEmotional NeedsUnmet NeedsManipulative People
Book:The Sum of My Parts: A Survivor's Story of Dissociative Identity Disorder
Create image

“In the mirror, my eyes looked red and puffy from crying. That was as expected. But I was surprised to notice that I looked older than I should be. I didn't expect to be dressed up for work. I looked down at my shoes and feet, and they didn't look like mine. Alarmed, I splashed my face with cold water and looked again. The reflection didn't show who I thought I was. As I washed my hands, they didn't look like mine either. They looked too big. I was wearing rings. It was all very startling and confusing. I felt a little panicky and didn't want to think about it too hard. Disoriented, I banged into the doorway on my way out of the restroom and thought, Why is this door so small? Why am I taking up so much space in this hall? Whose hands are those? Whose eyes and face was I seeing? My thoughts began to race and I started having trouble catching my breath. Then I felt the fuzziness in my head, followed by calmness, and finally numbness.”

DissociationDissociative DisorderDepersonalizationDissociative Symptoms
Book:The Sum of My Parts: A Survivor's Story of Dissociative Identity Disorder
Create image

“Sometimes a stare comes from too much anxiety or stress. Your system can become overwhelmed." I didn't know it then. but parts inside were scared because he was looking at us so closely. He's getting too close. He's going to find out about us. I didn't make the effort to try to catch any of these thoughts.”

AnxietyDissociative Identity DisorderTranceDissociative DisorderChild Abuse SurvivorDissociative PartsTraumatic StressThousand Yard Stare
Book:The Sum of My Parts: A Survivor's Story of Dissociative Identity Disorder
Create image

“I still didn't know very much about the complex coping mechanism that had helped me survive my childhood. It was as if my conscious mind wasn't strong enough yet to fully grasp that I had parts. I knew it superficially, but I didn't feel it all the way through.”

Dissociative Identity DisorderFragmentedDissociative DisorderDissociative Parts
Book:The Sum of My Parts: A Survivor's Story of Dissociative Identity Disorder
Create image

“Dr. Summer explained once again that he believed I was remembering real abuse that happened to me when I was growing up, that the thoughts were memories frozen in time by a dissociative process. We were piecing together a clear picture of what had happened to me so we could put my memories in their proper place: the past. He explained that the pain was my body remembering what had happened. He had explained the process many times before, just like this, but I still didn't understand. The words wouldn't connect. I asked, "How can I be a lawyer, be married? How can I be functioning if all this happened to me? I don't understand.”

DissociationDissociative DisorderRepressed MemoriesHealing From AbuseChild Abuse SurvivorDissociated Memories
Book:The Sum of My Parts: A Survivor's Story of Dissociative Identity Disorder
Create image

“The creation of these "happy" parts felt different from the splitting that began at my fingertips when I was under attack. Entering these "good" parts felt less noticeable. There was some dizziness and light-headedness, but it was mainly just a gentle shifting in my mind. I was unsure of where my body started and ended for just a few seconds.”

Dissociative Identity DisorderDissociationDissociative DisorderDissociatedDissociative State
Book:The Sum of My Parts: A Survivor's Story of Dissociative Identity Disorder
Create image

“Some of my parts were hard workers. My well developed memory helped me remember people: their names and positions and what they said during meetings. Rather than making me seem checked out, my dissociation made me seem calm and collected. In fact, the general dissociative state I was always in helped me function very well. I collected information, interacted on a personal and professional level, and was quite adept at managing most tasks in my life from this superficially numb and calm place. Most people, including me, didn't notice. This way of being and interacting was really all I knew.”

Dissociative Identity DisorderNumbDissociationFunctioningMild Dissociation
Book:The Sum of My Parts: A Survivor's Story of Dissociative Identity Disorder
Create image