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Sloane Crosley

Sloane Crosley Quotes

Writer

Sloane Crosley is an American writer born on August 3, 1978. Her works are known for their humor and unique perspective, mainly focusing on personal experiences and everyday life.

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All Ifs Thinking People Knows Refreshing Book Quotes Books Sloane Crosley Grief I Was Told There D Be Cake

Famous Sloane Crosley Quotes

“Book tours are such a little tapas meal of where I could live.”

Littles Book Meals Tapas

Author:Sloane Crosley

“I was surprised by how much I loved Portland. It is so wonderfully creative without being artsy. Great food scene.”

Creative Scene Great Food Portland

Author:Sloane Crosley

“I am starting to like LA, but the concept of a place you have to get used to so much seems a little weird to me. I have been to many foreign cities where I didn't have do acclimatize as much as I did to LA”

Littles Has Beens Seems Used Cities Concepts Starting

Author:Sloane Crosley

“I wouldn't want to live in Berlin. It's bombed out and there's a lot of techno.”

Want Berlin Techno

Author:Sloane Crosley

“I have nothing against Canada. I think that Canadians might know the secret to all existence, but to us it just comes off as timid and kind and too nice, and it strikes us as lacking edge. Unless you are hijacking someone and going on a reality show with your eight kids and wearing a velour pink pantsuit, then you have no edge to us.”

Thinking Knows Kind Shows Reality Might Kids Secret Existence Nice Edges Eight Strikes Canada Lacking Reality Shows Too Nice Hijacking

Author:Sloane Crosley

“I was pretty dorky, but there are tiers of dorkdom and I always had friends, though they were equally dorky. I was one of those kids who contracted cooties in the second grade and then had cooties, because there wasn't a vaccine for it. When I was around people, though, I generally wanted to make them laugh. I told a lot of stories.”

People Stories Kids Wanted Laughing Grades Vaccines Dorky Cooties

Author:Sloane Crosley

“My A-number one visceral fear is speed. More than knives or snakes or confined spaces. Speed. I won't even go on a motor boat if I can help it.”

Ifs I Can Helping Space Numbers Goes On Speed Boat Knives Snakes Motor Confined Visceral

Author:Sloane Crosley

“I wanted to be an archaeologist. But in school you have to take a tremendous amount of statistics for that, and I am not good at statistics. So I hit a real wall with archaeology. It's probably like wanting to be an architect - you think it's all fun and games, and then you have to get out a calculator and you're done.”

Thinking Real Done Wanted School Games Fun Wall Amount Statistics Architect Archaeology Archaeologists Calculators

Author:Sloane Crosley

“When I was 14, a camp counselor explained what "eating out" was and I vowed to never have it done to me. It seemed cannibalistic and unhygienic. I also remember that she claimed--in front of an entire cabin of girls--to have been "eaten out" by one of the maintenance men in a hot tub. Under hot water. Either something is amiss in my memory of this conversation or she found the most talented man on the planet and all hope is lost for the rest of us.”

Men Has Beens Done Remember Girl Found Lost Water Memories Fronts Planets Conversation Eating Hot Camps Maintenance Counselor Cabins Tubs Hot Water Eating Out Hot Tub Camp Counselors

Author:Sloane Crosley

“Ladies. Large masses of girls are often prone to this salutation. I hate being mollified with this unsolicited "ladies" business. I know we're all women. I am conscious of my breasts. Do I have to be conscious of yours as well? Do men do this? Do they go, "Men: Meet for ribs in the shed after the game. Keg beer, raw eggs, and death metal only." I would imagine not.”

Knows Men Wells Hate Girl Games Imagine Mass Conscious I Hate Beer Breasts Eggs Metals Shed Refreshing Ribs Kegs Salutations Death Metal

Book:I Was Told There'd Be Cake

Source: I Was Told There'd Be Cake

“Sometimes we don't know what we want until we don't get it.”

Knows Want Sometimes

Book:I Was Told There'd Be Cake

Source: I Was Told There'd Be Cake

“It seemed more and more like something out of a children's book - the butterfly that followed the little girl all the way home to her fifth-floor walk-up. How above-the-law children's books are. Hansel and Gretel (littering, breaking and entering), Rumpelstiltskin (forced labor), Snow White (conspiracy to commit murder), Rapunzel (breach of contract).”

Source: I Was Told There'd Be Cake

“I thought of a high school report I did on the Belgian artist Rene Magritte and a quote I once read from him, something about his favorite walk being the one he took around his own bedroom. He said that he never understood the need for people to travel because all the poetry and perspective you're ever going to get you already posses. Anais Nin had the same idea. We see the world as we are. So if it's the same brain we bring with us every time we open our eyes, what's the difference if we're looking at an island cove or a pocket watch?”

“I find that anything culturally significant that happened before '93 I associate with the decade before it. In fact, Oregon Trail is one of a handful of signposts that middle school existed at all.”

Facts School Happened Middle Decades Significant Associates Trails Handful Middle School Oregon Signposts

Book:I Was Told There'd Be Cake

Source: I Was Told There'd Be Cake

“Because, ten-year-olds of the world, you shouldn't believe what your teachers tell you about the beauty and specialness and uniqueness of you. Or, believe it, little snowflake, but know it won't make a bit of difference until after puberty. It's Newton's lost law: anything that makes you unique later will get your chocolate milk stolen and your eye blackened as a kid. Won't it, Sebastian? Oh, yes, it will, my little Mandarin Chinese-learning, Poe-reciting, high-top-wearing friend. God bless you, wherever you are.”

Source: I Was Told There'd Be Cake

“Uniqueness is wasted on youth. Like fine wine or a solid flossing habit, you'll be grateful for it when you're older.”

Youth Fine Habit Grateful Wine Uniqueness Be Grateful Fine Wine Like Fine Wine Flossing

Book:I Was Told There'd Be Cake

Source: I Was Told There'd Be Cake

“There are two kinds of people in this world: those who know where their high school yearbook is and those who do not.”

People Knows World Kind Two School This World High School Yearbook High School Yearbook

Book:I Was Told There'd Be Cake

Source: I Was Told There'd Be Cake

“I thought we had reached an understanding, the institution of marriage and I. Weddings are like the triathalon of female friendship: the Shower, the Bachelorette Party, and the Main Event. It's the Iron Woman and most people never make it through. They fall of their bikes and choke on ocean water.”

People Fall Understanding Water Party Events Ocean Female Institutions Iron Showers Bike Choke Female Friendship Ocean Water Bachelorette

Author:Sloane Crosley

“No affair that begins with such an orchestrated overture can end on a simple note.”

Ends Simple Notes Affair

Book:I Was Told There'd Be Cake

Source: I Was Told There'd Be Cake

“Life starts out with everyone clapping when you take a poo and goes downhill from there.”

Book:I Was Told There'd Be Cake

Source: I Was Told There'd Be Cake

“I was taught that candles are like house cats - domesticated versions of something wild and dangerous. There's no way to know how much of that killer instinct lurks in the darkness. I used to think the house-burning paranoia was the result of some upper-middle-class fear regarding the potential destruction of a half-million-dollar Westchester house the size of a matchbox. But then I realized the fear stemmed from something far less complex: we're not used to fire. Candles are a staple of the Judaic existence and, like many suburban residents before us, we're pretty bad Jews.”

Source: I Was Told There'd Be Cake

“I called my mother immediately to inform her that she was a bad parent. "I can't believe you let us watch this. We ate dinner in front of this." "Everyone watched Twin Peaks," was her response. "So, if everyone jumped off the Brooklyn Bridge, would you do it, too?" "Don't be silly," she laughed, "of course I would, honey. There'd be no one left on the planet. It would be a very lonely place.”

Source: I Was Told There'd Be Cake

“I never asked my mother where babies came from but I remember clearly the day she volunteered the information....my mother called me to set the table for dinner. She sat me down in the kitchen, and under the classic caveat of 'loving each other very, very much,' explained that when a man and a woman hug tightly, the man plants a seed in the woman. The seed grows into a baby. Then she sent me to the pantry to get placemats. As a direct result of this conversation, I wouldn't hug my father for two months.”

Men Two Remember Mother Father Sex Grows Results Information Baby Months Conversation Direct Tables Plant Dinner Seeds Classic Sat Kitchen Hug Two Months Pantry

Author:Sloane Crosley

“The children were overwhelmingly morbid. Not a single adult asked me where butterflies go when they die, but this question was more popular than pixie sticks with the under-four-foot set. I cursed parents for not preparing their children. When I was five, my mother and sister sat me up on the kitchen counter and explained the facts of life: the Easter Bunny didn't exist, Elijah was God's invisible friend, with any luck Nana would die soon, and if I ever saw a unicorn, I should kill it or catch it for cash. I turned out okay.”

Source: I Was Told There'd Be Cake

“You feel like telling him you're not single in the way that he thinks you're single. After all, you have yourself.”

Thinking Way Feels Break Up

Author:Sloane Crosley

“We all deserve to be congratulated, but sadly that would mean there's no one left to do the congratulating.”

Mean Left Deserve

Book:I Was Told There'd Be Cake

Source: I Was Told There'd Be Cake

“But now my problems had been set loose. They could be anywhere at any time and I was just like everyone else I knew: almost positive that there was something profoundly and undiagnosably wrong with me.”

Book:I Was Told There'd Be Cake

Source: I Was Told There'd Be Cake

“I got out on the street and started crying the kind of hysterical tears made justifiable only by turning off one’s cell phone, putting it to the ear, and pretending to be told of a death in the family.”

Kind Made Streets Cry Tears Ears Phones Cells Pretending Cell Phone Hysterical

Book:I Was Told There'd Be Cake

Source: I Was Told There'd Be Cake

“What annoyed me was that I so often attempted to weasel out of things on purpose, it killed me to do it by accident. It seemed like a waste of whatever detailed lie I was going to have to come up with.”

Lying Purpose Waste Come Up Accidents Annoyed Weasels

Book:I Was Told There'd Be Cake

Source: I Was Told There'd Be Cake

“It is my belief that people who speak of high school with a sugary fondness are bluffing away early-onset Alzheimer's.”

People School Belief Speak High School Alzheimer Fondness Alzheimer's

Book:I Was Told There'd Be Cake

Source: I Was Told There'd Be Cake

“Hey there.' I cleared my throat. 'How are you?' I'm engaged!' Incidentally, this is an unacceptable answer to that question.”

Answers Hey Engaged Throat Refreshing

Book:I Was Told There'd Be Cake

Source: I Was Told There'd Be Cake

“In my lame pescetarian defense, it's very hard to be a girl and say you won't eat something. Refuse one plate of bacon-wrapped pork rinds and you're anorexic. Accept them and you're on the Atkins. Excuse yourself to go to the bathroom and you're bulimic. Best to keep perfectly still and bring an IV of fluids with you to dinner.”

Stills Hard Girl Accepting Refuse Excuse Dinner Defense Plates Bathroom Fluid Lame Pork Anorexics

Author:Sloane Crosley

“The search for one's first professional job is not unlike a magical love potion: when one wants to fall in love with the next thing one sees, one generally does.”

Want Firsts Doe Jobs Fall Next Falling In Love Wanting To Fall In Love

Book:I Was Told There'd Be Cake

Source: I Was Told There'd Be Cake

“Kids across the country have grown up accepting the idea that no one can harm your family if at least one of its adult members is in the shower. No one knows why.”

Ifs Knows Ideas Country Kids Accepting Members Adults Harm Showers

Book:I Was Told There'd Be Cake

Source: I Was Told There'd Be Cake

“and there's something about having an especially different name that makes it difficult to imagine what you would be like as a Jennifer.”

Different Would Be Names Difficult Imagine Jennifer Different Names

Book:I Was Told There'd Be Cake

Source: I Was Told There'd Be Cake

“He also tried to block the doorway when she left him. My mother ducked under his arm, ran to her car, and drove away. I remember thinking that this was somehow romantic, as it pinpointed the actual memory of my mother's departure, something you don't see a lot of in television. Real people don't slam doors without opening them five minutes later because it's raining and they forgot their umbrella. They don't stop dead in their tracks because they realize they're in love with their best friend.They don't say, "I'm leaving you, Jack," and fade to a paper towel commercial.”

“I do want to get married. It's a nice idea. Though I think husbands are like tattoos--you should wait until you come across something you want on your body for the rest of your life instead of just wandering into a tattoo parlor on some idle Sunday and saying, 'I feel like I should have one of these suckers by now. I'll take a thorny rose and a "MOM" anchor, please. No, not that one--the big one.”

Thinking Want Feels Should Ideas Body Bigs Waiting Nice Mom Please Husband Married Should Have Rose Your Body Wander Sunday Idle Tattoo Rest Of Your Life Anchors Sucker Parlor

Book:I Was Told There'd Be Cake

Source: I Was Told There'd Be Cake

“If you have to ask someone to change, to tell you they love you, to bring wine to dinner, to call you when they land, you can't afford to be with them.”

Ifs Asks Land Love You Wine Dinner Being Alone Being Single Refreshing

Book:How Did You Get This Number

Source: How Did You Get This Number

“Most people don't get lucky. They get human. They get crushes. This means you irrationally mortgage what little logic you own to pay for this one thing. This relationship is an impulse buy, and you'll figure out if it's worth it later.”

People Ifs Humans Mean Littles Pay One Thing Figures Lucky Logic Impulse Crush Worth It Break Up Mortgage

Book:How Did You Get This Number

Source: How Did You Get This Number

“Time grabs you by the scruff of your neck and drags you forward. You get over it, of course. Everyone was right about that. One mathematically insignificant day, you stop hoping for happiness and become actually happy.”

Courses Necks Over It Drag Get Over Insignificant Stop Hoping

Book:How Did You Get This Number

Source: How Did You Get This Number

“There is one thing you know for sure, one fact that never fails to comfort you: the worst day of your life wasn't in there, in that mess. And it will do you good to remember the best day of your life wasn't in there, either. But another person brought you closer to those borders than you had been, and maybe that's not such a bad thing.”

Knows Persons Facts Remember Failing One Thing Worst Comfort Mess Borders Bad Things Worst Day

Book:How Did You Get This Number

Source: How Did You Get This Number

“The nursery rhyme ends when a spider comes along and frightens Miss Muffet straight off her tuffet. I have wondered about what kind of lesson this is for a young girl. If you're eating your curds and whey and a spider comes along, I don't think there's anything wrong with picking up a newspaper, smashing it, and going back to your breakfast.”

Ifs Thinking Kind Ends Young Girl Missing Lessons Eating Newspapers Breakfast Nurse Rhyme Spiders Nursery Smashing Nursery Rhymes

Book:How Did You Get This Number

Source: How Did You Get This Number

“Not all shabby is chic, just like not every porn actor is a star.”

Actors Stars Chic Shabby

Book:How Did You Get This Number

Source: How Did You Get This Number

“It's never good to fall in love with someone whom you'd have to stab in the eyeballs to elicit a response.”

Fall Response Falling In Love Eyeballs

Book:How Did You Get This Number

Source: How Did You Get This Number

“A human being can spend only so much time outside her comfort zone before she realizes she is still tethered to it.”

Humans Stills Realizing Human Beings Comfort Zone Comfort Zone

Book:How Did You Get This Number

Source: How Did You Get This Number

“Because this is the beauty of strangers: we're all just doing our best to help each other out, motivated not by karma but by a natural instinct to help the greater whole.”

Whole Helping Natural Greater Instinct Stranger Karma Motivated Helping Each Other Natural Instinct

Book:I Was Told There'd Be Cake

Source: I Was Told There'd Be Cake

“When it seems impossible that a deep connection with another person could just go away instead of changing form. It seems impossible that you will one day look up and say the words "I used to date someone who lived in that building," referring to a three-year relationship. As simple as if it was a pizza place that is now a dry cleaner's. It happens. Keep walking.”

Source: How Did You Get This Number

“I was compiling a list in my head titled 'Reasons to Get Up: You Don't Have to Leave, but You Can't Pee Here.”

Reason Lists Get Up

Book:How Did You Get This Number

Source: How Did You Get This Number

“Friendship is a Spackle in itself. You'll forgive your friends a lot, and if you're a woman, you'll forgive your straight male friends even more. They represent the possibility of mutual toleration between the sexes, a keyhole into the mind of the Other, and the promise of one day meeting someone just like them except that you want to sleep with them.”

Ifs Want Mind Sex Sleep Possibility Promise One Day Forgiving Meetings Males Mutual Toleration Want To Sleep Keyholes Meeting Someone

Book:How Did You Get This Number

Source: How Did You Get This Number

“Every time I open the drawer, it's a trip down Memory Lane, which, if you don't turn off at the right exit, merges straight into the Masochistic Nostalgia Highway.”

Ifs Love Turns Memories Honest Nostalgia Highways Lanes Exit Drawers Turn Off Masochistic Memory Lane

Book:I Was Told There'd Be Cake

Source: I Was Told There'd Be Cake

About the Author

Born: August 3, 1978
Known for: Writer
Quotes: 196

Related Topics

Ifs Thinking People Knows Refreshing Book Quotes Books Sloane Crosley Grief I Was Told There D Be Cake

Popular Topics

People Ifs Thinking Knows Men World Way Want Love Life Inspirational Needs Giving Feels Should Writing Trying Years Mind Firsts

Books & Sources

I Was Told There'd Be CakeRelated source material

I Was Told There'd Be Cake: EssaysRelated source material

Grief Is for PeopleRelated source material

How Did You Get This NumberRelated source material

Baby Mammoth Mummy: Frozen in Time (Special Sales Edition): A Prehistoric Animal's Journey into the 21st CenturyRelated source material

How Did You Get This Number: EssaysRelated source material

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