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Sloane Crosley

Sloane Crosley Quotes

Writer

Sloane Crosley is an American writer born on August 3, 1978. Her works are known for their humor and unique perspective, mainly focusing on personal experiences and everyday life.

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All Ifs Thinking People Knows Refreshing Book Quotes Books Sloane Crosley Grief I Was Told There D Be Cake

Famous Sloane Crosley Quotes

“I think the goal with any writing, but especially narrative nonfiction, is to put the blockade of putting your thoughts in this unnatural medium of print and then trying to reach through that and actually convey what's going on, what you think, and make people laugh and recognize themselves while doing it. Definitely the laughing thing.”

People Thinking Writing Trying Goal Laughing Mediums Narrative Print Nonfiction Unnatural Making People Laugh Blockades Writing Nonfiction

Author:Sloane Crosley

“I think the rule of thumb should be this: if you preface a sentence about a friend with the phrase, 'I love X, but... ' more than once in any conversation, you should stop hanging out with them.”

Ifs Thinking Should Conversation Sentences Phrases Hanging Out Thumbs Refreshing

Author:Sloane Crosley

“I thought I was going to write fiction but I fell backwards into non-fiction. It started when I got locked out of two apartments in one day and I told the story to some friends, one of whom worked in the 'Village Voice' and asked me to turn it into an essay.”

Writing Two Stories Turns Voice Fiction One Day Village Locked Apartment Backwards Essays Non Fiction

Author:Sloane Crosley

“I was diagnosed with a severe temporal spatial deficit, a learning disability that means I have zero spatial relations skills. It was official: I was a genius trapped in an idiot's body.”

Mean Body Genius Skills Relation Idiot Officials Zero Disability Trapped Severe Deficit Spatial Learning Disability

Book:How Did You Get This Number

Source: How Did You Get This Number

“I was the youngest of my entire family so you are tap-dancing to try to get the attention of your older cousins. I really hit my social stride in 6th grade, but before that I was a pretty big dork. You learn how to be amusing and how to work for it.”

Trying Bigs Social Attention Dancing Grades Cousin Amusing Stride Dork Tap Dancing

Author:Sloane Crosley

“If I go into a sandwich shop or anywhere that features 'Today's specials' on a chalkboard more than 10 feet away, I have to ask for a printed menu. I smile at people I don't know on the street and ignore those I do. When at home, I often find myself grabbing my 'back-up' glasses to search for the better-loved pair I have left on top of my dresser.”

People Ifs Knows Home Today Asks Left Feet Streets Glasses Features Shops Pairs Sandwiches Printed I Smile Menus Grabbing Dressers Chalkboards

Author:Sloane Crosley

“In New York and L.A., there is sort of that silent competition to be on the cutting edge of something. You end up having a conversation with how the world receives your work, especially if you are writing narrative, not fiction. Sometimes it is an awkward conversation. It's like group therapy.”

Ifs World Writing Ends Sometimes Fiction Cutting Groups New York Conversation Competition Silent Edges Narrative Therapy Awkward Cutting Edge Group Therapy

Author:Sloane Crosley

“In New York, if you weigh under 200 pounds and decline so much as a cookie at a co-worker's party, women will flock to your side, assuring you of your appealing physique. This is how skittish we are about the dangers of anorexia and the pressures of body image.”

Ifs Body Sides Party Danger New York Pressure Workers Pounds Decline Body Image Cookies Flocks Your Side Anorexia Co Worker Physique

Author:Sloane Crosley

“Insomniacs tend to fall into two general categories - those who give up and those who don't. I don't. I refuse to admit defeat by turning on the light. I will not try to read or watch a movie, thank you. Productivity is a crutch of the weak.”

Giving Trying Two Light Fall Watches Giving Up Weak Defeat Refuse Productivity Categories Thank You Crutches Insomniac

Author:Sloane Crosley

“Juice cleansing has been all the rage for some time. And I used the word 'rage' advisedly; one must push a violent flood of liquidised vegetables and fruit through one's system for at least three days in order to perform a 'cleanse.'”

Has Beens Used Order Three Fruit Rage Violent Vegetables Flood Juice Cleansing

Author:Sloane Crosley

“Let me put it this way: I don't feel as settled as I look. I think that's true of everyone, probably. Except for Beyonce and Jay-Z. I don't think they wake up and think, 'Ugh, when's it going to work out for us? Why can't we catch a break?' Aside from them, I'm pretty sure everyone's life feels a lot less intentional.”

Thinking Way Feels Looks Break Let Me Wake Up Work Out Going To Work Beyonce Ugh

Author:Sloane Crosley

“Like most citizens of popular and international urban centres, I don't take advantage of the cultural opportunities. Perhaps this comes from growing up in suburbia. Home is where you eat, sleep, read, watch television and ignore your parents. It is not where you go to the ballet and then attend a heated panel discussion about it afterwards.”

Home Opportunity Parent Sleep Watches Growing Up Growing Television Citizens Advantage International Discussion Ballet Urban Centre Suburbia

Author:Sloane Crosley

“My grandmother was a kind of Scarsdale, New York, society woman, best known in her day as the author of the 1959 book 'Growing Your Own Way: An Informal Guide for Teen-Agers' - this despite being a person whose parenting style made Joan Crawford's wire hangers look like pool noodles.”

Way Looks Kind Persons Made Book Known Growing Style New York Guides Despite Grandmother Pool My Grandmother Wire Noodles Hangers Parenting Styles

Author:Sloane Crosley

“My mother is a special education teacher but also an artist, and my father an advertising executive. They are about as wacky as you can get without being alcoholics.”

Mother Artist Father Teacher Special Advertising Executives Alcoholics Wacky Special Education

Author:Sloane Crosley

“My personality, when tasked with creating meals, goes something like this: Is there a way we can make this more difficult? Because let's do that. I don't mean to complicate things. It's just - why buy pre-packaged potato salad when you can spend your morning boiling potatoes and flipping out because there's no dill in the house?”

Way Mean House Difficult Morning Personality Creating Meals Potatoes Salad Boiling Potato Salad Flipping Out

Author:Sloane Crosley

“Normally, I am a vocal advocate for 'looking both ways' and 'knowing the size of one's own body.' But working, socialising and simply running errands in Manhattan, means I am bound to break my own rules on occasion.”

Way Mean Body Running My Own Break Knowing Bounds Size Occasions Vocal Manhattan Errands Socialising

Author:Sloane Crosley

“Personal technology has given us the freedom of being able to do whatever we want - and in the case of celebrities and athletes, whomever they want. But it can also serve as a humiliation jetpack.”

Want Able Given Cases Technology Athlete Humiliation

Author:Sloane Crosley

“Picture it in your mind's nostril: you get in a cab in time to catch twin thugs named Vomit and Cologne assaulting a defenseless pine-tree air freshener.”

Mind Air Tree Twins Thug Cab Defenseless Cologne Pine Trees

Book:How Did You Get This Number

Source: How Did You Get This Number

“Since graduation, I have measured time in 4-by-5-inch pieces of paper, four days on the left and three on the right. Every social engagement, interview, reading, flight, doctor's appointment, birthday and dry-cleaning reminder has been handwritten between metal loops.”

“Some of the writers I admire who seem very, very funny and very emotional to me can develop a closeness with the reader without giving too much of themselves away. Lorrie Moore comes to mind, as does David Sedaris. When they write, the reader thinks that they're being trusted as a friend.”

Thinking Giving Writing Mind Doe Seems Too Much Emotional Reader Admire Trusted Closeness Being Trusted Giving Too Much

Author:Sloane Crosley

“The hardest thing is spending twelve hours a day accommodating the rest of the world, then going home at night and criticizing it. I would be curious about what I'd write if I didn't have to worry about offending.”

Ifs World Writing Home Would Be Night Hours Worry Spending Hardest Curious Criticize Twelve Hardest Thing Going Home Offending

Author:Sloane Crosley

“The Queen of Crafts herself, Martha Stewart, and I have the same birthday. I prefer to think it's the glue-gun wielding, perfect-tart-producing Martha and not the copper pan-throwing, jail-going Martha. But I suppose if I am going to share a calendar square with some of Martha, I have to share it with all of Martha.”

Ifs Thinking Perfect Share Gun Crafts Queens Birthday Jail Throwing Squares Calendars Glue Copper Tarts

Author:Sloane Crosley

“The year most of my high school friends and I got our driver's permits, the coolest thing one could do was stand outside after school and twirl one's car keys like a lifeguard whistle. That jingling sound meant freedom and power.”

Years School Sound Car Keys High School Drivers Permit After School Car Keys School Friends Lifeguard High School Friends

Author:Sloane Crosley

“There's already a marriage clock, a career clock, a biological clock. Sometimes being a woman feels like standing in the lobby of a hotel, looking at the dials depicting every time zone in the world behind the front desk - except they all apply to you, and all at once.”

World Feels Sometimes Behinds Careers Fronts Standing Clock Zone Hotel Desks Being A Woman Refreshing Time Zones Biological Clock Front Desk

Author:Sloane Crosley

“There's an 'Everything must go!' emotional liquidation feel to the end of your twenties, isn't there? What will happen if we turn thirty and we're not 'ready?' You don't feel entirely settled in any aspect of your life, even if you are on paper.”

Ifs Feels Ends Happens Turns Emotional Ready Paper Aspect Twenties Thirty Not Ready Refreshing Everything Must Go

Author:Sloane Crosley

“There's just no concept of layering a thick-sleeved sweater under a coat in L.A. A coat is more of a gesture than a necessity. You know, in case the temperature goes down to 55 degrees.”

Knows Cases Degrees Concepts Thick Gestures Coats Temperature Sweaters

Author:Sloane Crosley

“Unless we're talking about old-school, witchcraft-trial violence, can we please phase out the phrase 'girl crush?' While we're at it, if we can axe 'like, total girl crush' unless Total Girl Crush is the name of a fizzy soft drink, in which case I'll take two, thank you.”

Ifs Two School Girl Names Talking Cases Violence Drink Please Trials Phrases Crush Phases Thank You Witchcraft Old School Soft Drinks Girl Crush

Author:Sloane Crosley

“We've come to expect so little from online privacy measures that public displays of concern about the matter are more or less for show. Being devastated to discover you've been tagged in somebody else's photo has an air of the melodramatic about it at this point.”

Littles Matter Shows Air Security Concern Privacy Online Display Devastated Tagged

Author:Sloane Crosley

“When I was nine years old, I wrote a short story called 'How to Build a Snowman,' from which no practical snowperson-crafting techniques could be gleaned. The story was an assignment for class and it featured a series of careful but meaningless instructions. Of course, the building of the snowman was a red herring.”

Years Stories Courses Class Building Red Series Careful Technique Nine Practicals Meaningless Short Story Instruction Assignments Nine Years Snowman Herring Red Herrings

Author:Sloane Crosley

“You can't possibly fathom the ins and outs of a prepubescent beauty treatment until you've felt the strange but exhilarating tingle of a cottage-cheese-and-Pop-Rocks facial.”

Felt Rocks Strange Pops Treatment Cheese Exhilarating Cottages Fathom Facial

Author:Sloane Crosley

“You just don't notice the time of your own metamorphosis. Until you do. Every once in a while time dissolves and you remember what you liked as a kid. You jump on your hotel bed, order dessert first, decide to put every piece of jewelry you own on your body and leave the house. Why? Because you can. Because you're the boss. Because... Ooooh. Shiny.”

Firsts Body Kids Remember Order House Growing Up Pieces Bed Your Body Hotel Boss Jewelry Dessert Metamorphosis Dessert First

Author:Sloane Crosley

“I prefer to record all traumas and save them for later, playing them over and over so they can haunt me for a disproportionate number of weeks to come. It's very healthy.”

Numbers Records Week Healthy Trauma

Book:How Did You Get This Number

Source: How Did You Get This Number

“As we grow up, it feels like you should either invite people into your life or not. There should be fewer and fewer instances of friends you ‘can only take in small doses.’”

People Feels Should Grows Growing Up Like You Instance Invites Fewer Dose Refreshing

Author:Sloane Crosley

“I spent a lot of time waiting for things to happen to me, which is more or less as pathetic as it sounds.”

Happens Waiting Sound Pathetic

Book:I Was Told There'd Be Cake

Source: I Was Told There'd Be Cake

“A lot of people are lonely. A lot of people are lonely even when they're surrounded by other people.”

Author:Sloane Crosley

“It's remarkable the logic we'll build around a misapprehension.”

Logic Remarkable

Book:I Was Told There'd Be Cake

Source: I Was Told There'd Be Cake

“I thought I'd had another few decades before my noise complaint years.”

Years Decades Noise Complaints Refreshing

Book:I Was Told There'd Be Cake

Source: I Was Told There'd Be Cake

“We are only as good as our most extreme experiences”

Book:How Did You Get This Number

Source: How Did You Get This Number

“As most doctors will tell you, cleansing is ridiculous. You know what's been around longer than that state-of-the-art juicer? Your kidneys. And your liver. Still, the cleanse has recalibrated my definition of a splurge.”

Knows Art Stills States Doctors Definitions Ridiculous Imperfect Adulthood Liver Refreshing Cleansing Kidneys

Author:Sloane Crosley

“Are there moments when I see unrequited crushes or ex-boyfriends slow dancing with their dates and kind of want to stab myself in the spleen with a salad fork? Yeah, sure.”

Want Kind Moments Yeah Dancing Crush Imperfect Adulthood Exes Salad Forks Unrequited Refreshing Ex Boyfriend Spleen

Author:Sloane Crosley

“You feel like telling him you're not single in the way that he thinks you're single. After all, you have yourself. I think a lot of humor is about distracting yourself. Pretend you're not trying to make it funny. Because for some reason the effort to be funny smells like sulphur in our culture.”

Thinking Way Feels Trying Reason Culture Effort Smell Imperfect Adulthood Refreshing

Author:Sloane Crosley

“Sometimes in New York, you're walking down the street and you realize there's a girl walking in front of you whose thighs you could hit a golf ball through, and maybe that makes you depressed.”

Sometimes Girl Realizing Streets Fronts New York Walking Balls Golf Imperfect Adulthood Thighs Refreshing Golf Ball

Author:Sloane Crosley

“Who do you have to sleep with to get laid in this town?”

Sleep Towns Imperfect Adulthood Refreshing Getting Laid

Book:I Was Told There'd Be Cake

Source: I Was Told There'd Be Cake

“The Darkness at Irving. Hope to have as much fun doing anything ever as these guys have on stage.”

Guy Fun Darkness Stage

Author:Sloane Crosley

“The truth is, I wrote a novel when I was 23. It's hideously bad. Truly rotten.”

Novel Truth Is Rotten

Author:Sloane Crosley

“Unless you are a professional, you will find the tart to be a high-maintenance, unforgiving whistle-blower of a pastry.”

Maintenance Pastries Unforgiving Tarts High Maintenance

Author:Sloane Crosley

About the Author

Born: August 3, 1978
Known for: Writer
Quotes: 196

Related Topics

Ifs Thinking People Knows Refreshing Book Quotes Books Sloane Crosley Grief I Was Told There D Be Cake

Popular Topics

People Ifs Thinking Knows Men World Way Want Love Life Inspirational Needs Giving Feels Should Writing Trying Years Mind Firsts

Books & Sources

I Was Told There'd Be CakeRelated source material

I Was Told There'd Be Cake: EssaysRelated source material

Grief Is for PeopleRelated source material

How Did You Get This NumberRelated source material

Baby Mammoth Mummy: Frozen in Time (Special Sales Edition): A Prehistoric Animal's Journey into the 21st CenturyRelated source material

How Did You Get This Number: EssaysRelated source material

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