“For health and the constant enjoyment of life, give me a keen and ever present sense of humor; it is the next best thing to an abiding faith in providence.” GivingHumorNextGive MeConstantBest ThingsEnjoymentSense Of HumorProvidenceAbidingAbiding Faith Author:George Barrell Cheever
“I don't need a receipt for a doughnut. I'll just give you the money, and you give me the doughnut. End of transaction! We don't need to bring ink and paper into this! I can't imagine a scenario where I'd have to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend...'Don't even act like I didn't buy that doughnut! I've got the documentation right here! Oh, wait, it's back home, in the file. Under d...for doughnut.'” NeedsGivingI CanEndsHomeHumorFunnyWaitingImagineProvePaperGive MeInkFilesSkepticalScenariosBack HomeTransactionsDoughnutDocumentationReceiptsInk And Paper Author:Mitch Hedberg
“I want to thank you for coming to the White House to give me an opportunity to urge you to work with these five senators and three congressmen, to work hard to get this trade promotion authority moving. The power that be, well most of the power that be, sits right here.” WantGivingWellsHardHumorMovingPoliticalThreeOpportunityHouseWhiteFiveHard WorkAuthorityGive MeTradeUrgesWhite HouseSenatorsPromotionCongressmanPolitical HumorThank You For Coming Author:George W. Bush
“I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."” WantGivingHumorFunnyWinningRichGunGive MeCuteDimples Author:Mitch Hedberg
“That's why I'm glad Jesus died when he did. Because if he lived to be 40, he would have ended up like Elvis. He was famous already at that point. If he lived to be 40, he'd be walking around Jerusalem with a big fat beer gut and black side burns going, Damn, I'm the son of God. Give me a cheeseburger and french fries right now.” IfsGivingHumorBigsFunnyJesusSidesBlackSonWalkingRight NowGive MeDiedGladFatsBeerDamnGutsJerusalemFriesFrench FriesCheeseburger Author:Denis Leary
“You know I used to work at Ikea, selling over 7,000 products. Give me a number between 1-7,000 I'll tell you about it. Sorry out of stock, lucky you chose that one.” KnowsGivingHumorFunnyUsedNumbersProductsLuckyGive MeSorrySellingLucky YouIkea Author:Milton Jones
“A man walks into a pet shop and says: "Give me a wasp." The shopkeeper replies: "We don't sell wasps." He says: "There's one in the window."” MenGivingHumorFunnyWalksWindowGive MeSellsShopsPetWaspsShopkeepers Author:Frank Carson
“We were talking briefly about cocaine... yeah. Anything that makes you paranoid and impotent, give me more of that!” GivingHumorFunnyTalkingGive MeYeahCocaineParanoid Author:Robin Williams
“My father tried to give me the sex talk once, and he chickened out. He walked into my room and went, 'Adam - uh, don't kiss guys.'” GivingHumorFunnyGuyFatherSexRoomsKissingGive MeAdam Author:Adam Ferrara
“I got up this morning. I like to get up in the morning; it gives me the rest of the day to myself. I crossed the landing and went down stairs. Mind you, if there had been no stairs, I wouldn't even have attempted it.” IfsGivingMindHumorFunnyMorningGive MeGet UpStairsLanding Author:Chic Murray
“My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.” IfsGivingYearsHumorFunnyNextGive MeBirthdayAuntNext YearMy BirthdayTalkiesWalkie Talkies Author:Steven Wright
“The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store . . . with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."” GivingSaidHumorFunnyMoneyGunGive MeStoresDepartmentHallsVaultsPricingDepartment StoresHairballs Author:Steven Wright
“I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this >>><<<<. I go down to the pet store and said, "Give me another ten guppies, I got a lot of calls yesterday."” GivingSaidI CanHumorFunnySoundTenGive MePhonesFishesStoresYesterdayPetTanksFish Tanks Author:Steven Wright
“Give me six hours to chop down a tree and I will spend the first four sharpening the axe.” InspirationalGivingFirstsHumorMotivationalHoursLeadershipBusinessEducationFourTreePoliticianSixGive MeEducationalLawyerPlanningPreparationPresidentialTime ManagementSolidarityAxesPlannersLeadership And ManagementBusiness GrowthCommunicatorsChoppingSharpeningAbramPreparation And PlanningChopping Wood Author:Abraham Lincoln
“The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying, 'Give me your poor, your tired, your huddled masses.' She's got a baseball bat and yelling, 'You want a piece of me?'” WantGivingHumorFunnyPoorLibertyComedyPiecesMassBaseballGive MeTiredBatsStatuesYellingStatue Of Liberty Author:Robin Williams
“Oh how I hate you. I hate you so much it gives me energy. I have to get up early in the morning just to hate you, because there's not enough time in the day! Please GO AWAY!” GivingEnoughHumorFunnyHateEnergyMorningPleaseI HateGive MeGet UpGoing AwayHate YouI Hate YouEnough TimeUp EarlyNot Enough Time Author:Dylan Moran
“"Do you remember back at the hotel when you promised that if we lived, you’d get dressed up in a nurse’s outfit and give me a sponge bath?" "Actually, I think you misheard," Clary said. "It was Simon who promised you the sponge bath." "As soon as I’m back on my feet, handsome," "I knew we should have left you a rat," said Jace.” IfsGivingShouldSaidHumorRememberLeftFeetShould HaveGive MeInstrumentsHotelNurseRatsJaceHandsomeBathsClary FrayDressed UpSimon LewisSpongesI'm Back Author:Cassandra Clare
“If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.” IfsGivingHumorFunnyNamesMoneyClearHumorousGive MeAtheistWittySkepticismBankingBankersAtheisticDepositsFunny MoneySwiss Author:Woody Allen
“My friends drink everywhere. They even drink at the laundromat. I tried drinking at the laundromat, and I thought I was in a submarine, navigating the Sea of White Panties with my Spanish-speaking crew. I was like, "Mrs. Sanchez, set the coordinates to Permanent Press! Give me some quarters and another drink! This place is starting to look like a laundromat."” GivingLooksHumorFunnyWhiteSeaDrinkMy FriendsGive MePressesDrinkingStartingPermanentQuartersCrewSubmarinesCoordinatesPantiesLaundromats Author:Mike Birbiglia