“Forever is a very long time, especially the bit towards the end.” LongEndsHumorFunnyBitsForeverLong Time Author:Janna Levin
“I have a cheese-shredder at home, which is its positive name. They don't call it by its negative name, which is sponge-ruiner. Because I wanted to clean it, but now I have little bits of sponge that would melt easily over tortilla chips.” LittlesHomeHumorWantedFunnyNamesBitsLittle BitNegativeCleanCheeseChipsSpongesTortillas Author:Mitch Hedberg
“Asking an incumbent member of Congress to vote for term limits is a bit like asking a chicken to vote for Colonel Sanders.” HumorFunnyBitsTermLimitsMembersVoteAskingCongressChickensIncumbentsColonelsTerm Limits Author:Bob Inglis
“I think we've missed a trick there. We could develop wheat with the properties of Velcro... to catch whatever it is that's forming those crop circles! But then the spaceship would have to have the corresponding Velcro, so it's a bit of a long shot.” ThinkingLongHumorFunnyBitsShotsPropertyCirclesTricksCropsWheatSpaceshipsCorrespondingLong ShotsVelcro Author:Bill Bailey
“The scotch egg is such a Scottish food. It's as though a great Scottish chef said: I need a tasty snack. Let's take an egg... and wrap it in meat!! Makes it a bit harder.” NeedsSaidHumorFunnyBitsHarderMeatEggsChefWrapsScottishScotchSnacksTasty Author:Bill Bailey
“You remind me of the Siberian hunting spider, which adopts a highly convincing limp in three of its eight legs in order to attract its main prey, the so-called Samaritan squirrel, which takes pity on the spider, and then the spider jumps on it and injects the paralyzing venom, while the squirrel remains bafflingly philosophical about the whole thing. Not to be confused with the Ukrainian hunting spider, which actually has got a limp and is, as such, completely harmless, and a little bit bitter about the whole thing.” LittlesWholeHumorFunnyOrderThreeBitsLittle BitPhilosophicalRemainsLegsEightPityBitterConfusedHuntingSpidersPreyConvincingSquirrelsVenomUkrainianSamaritans Author:Bill Bailey
“I was fat! I was pustule-rich! I looked like a pink human grenade! When did I blossom into the irresistible little orchid that I am now? I don't know. Getting taller helps. It spreads out a bit.” KnowsHumansLittlesHelpingHumorFunnyBitsRichSpreadFatsIrresistibleGrenadeOrchids Author:Dylan Moran
“I've got a bit of Scottish Blood... On my kitchen knife!!” HumorFunnyBitsBloodKitchenKnivesScottishKitchen Knives Author:Milton Jones
“It had to be hammered home quite a bit because I didn't see any humour in my life at all.” HomeHumorFunnyBitsHumourHammered Author:Jimmy Carr
“The average life expectancy rate in some parts of Glasgow is 54. If you've ever been there, you'll realize that that's maybe a bit long.” IfsLongHumorFunnyBitsRealizingRateAverageExpectancyGlasgowLife ExpectancyAverage Life Author:Frankie Boyle
“The owners of a dog which swallowed a diamond worth £12000 had to wait three days until it re-emerged. With a bit of planning it could have been a nice way to propose.” WayHas BeensHumorFunnyThreeBitsWaitingNiceDogPlanningOwnersDiamondCould Have BeenPropose Author:Frankie Boyle
“There's not enough psychedelic stuff on TV. I want the world to be a bit weirder than it is. I hate reality, so I hate reality TV. But I love Columbo.” WorldWantEnoughHumorRealityFunnyHateStuffBitsTvsI HatePsychedelicReality Tv Author:Noel Fielding