“I mean, these good folks are revolutionizing how businesses conduct their business. And, like them, I am very optimistic about our position in the world and about its influence on the United States. We're concerned about the short-term economic news, but long-term I'm optimistic. And so, I hope investors, you know - secondly, I hope investors hold investments for periods of time - that I've always found the best investments are those that you salt away based on economics.” KnowsWorldMeanLongStatesHumorPoliticalFoundTermUnitedUnited StatesInfluenceEconomicPositionPeriodsNewsConcernedEconomicsInvestmentFolksOptimisticLong TermInvestorsSaltShort TermPolitical HumorBest Investment Author:George W. Bush
“I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat.” LooksHumorFunnyUsedFoundWifeCarDressesMy WifeSeatsUsed Car Author:Rodney Dangerfield
“It's certainly easy to mock some things ... Oddly enough though I've never found it easy to mock anything of value. Only things that are tawdry and fatuous - perhaps it's just me.” EnoughHumorFunnyValuesFoundEasyMock Author:Stephen Fry
“People associate long hair with drug use. I wish people associated long hair with something other than drug use, like an extreme longing for cake. And then strangers would see a long haired guy and say, "That guy eats cake!" "He is on bundt cake!" Mothers saying to their daughters, "Don't bring the cake eater over here anymore. He smells like flour. Did you see how excited he got when he found out your birthday was fast approaching?"” PeopleLongUseHumorFunnyMotherGuyFoundWishHairDrugDaughterLongingExcitedExtremesStrangerSmellCakeAssociatesThat GuyLong HairFlourDrug Use Author:Mitch Hedberg
“I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.” HumorFunnyFoundStuffMonthsSixMachinesCancerBagsRaysAirports Author:Mitch Hedberg
“I went to a pizzeria. The guy gave me the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart with what would you do if you found a million dollars, he gave me the "Donate it to charity" slice. "I'd like to exchange this for the 'Keep it!'"” IfsHumorFunnyGuyFoundMillionsDollarsCharitySmallestPiePizzaMillion DollarsDonate Author:Mitch Hedberg
“If you found yourself in a situation where you could either save a drowning man, or you could take a Pulitzer prize winning photograph of him drowning, what shutter speed and setting would you use?” IfsMenUseHumorFunnyFoundWinningSituationPhotographSpeedSettingSettingsPrizeDrowningShuttersPrize Winning Author:Paul Harvey
“I just think it's difficult for them to see the forest for the trees right now, which I can't blame them for, given the circumstances they found themselves in.” ThinkingI CanHumorFunnyFoundGivenDifficultTreeCircumstancesRight NowBlameForests Author:Denis Leary
“When the boys at school found out I had a potentially fatal peanut allergy, they used to hold me up against a wall and play Russian Roulette with a bag of Revels!” PlayHumorSchoolFunnyUsedFoundBoysWallBagsPeanutsHold MeAllergiesRouletteRussian Roulette Author:Milton Jones
“Frank once slipped something into the pocket of a luggage handler at the airport and said: "Have a drink on me." The luggage handler later found out it was a tea bag.” SaidHumorFunnyFoundDrinkTeaPocketsBagsFrankAirportsLuggageTea Bag Author:Frank Carson
“A man was found dead covered in sprinkles, strawberry sauce and a flake. Reports said he may have topped himself.” MenMaySaidHumorFunnyFoundReportsCoveredSauceStrawberriesFlakesSprinklesFound Dead Author:Frank Carson
“Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.” MenHumorFunnyLyingFoundPoliceIceCoveredCreamIce CreamVansLying On The Floor Author:Tommy Cooper
“My dad was a complicated man. He was a huge racist, my dad, but he still tried to be a good father, you know? Like, he would tell me that Santa Claus was black - that way, when I found out he didn't exist, it wouldn't be that big a let down.” KnowsMenWayStillsHumorBigsFunnyFoundFatherBlackHugeDadMy DadComplicatedRacistSantaSanta ClausLet DownGood Father Author:Anthony Jeselnik
“My mom's been having a hard time lately. She just found out that she has to have both of her breasts removed - if she's ever going to be good at golf.” IfsHardHumorFunnyFoundMomGolfMy MomBe GoodHard TimesBreastsHaving A Hard Time Author:Anthony Jeselnik
“We just found out my little brother has a peanut allergy, which is very serious I know. But still I feel like my parents are totally overreacting - they caught me eating a tiny little bag of airline peanuts and they kicked me out of his funeral.” KnowsFeelsLittlesStillsHumorFunnyFoundParentSeriousBrotherEatingCaughtTinyBagsFuneralAirlinePeanutsAllergiesLittle BrotherMy Little Brother Author:Anthony Jeselnik
“I went to the doctor, and they found something in my bladder. And whenever they find something, it's never anything good like, "We found something in your bladder AND IT'S SEASON TICKETS TO THE YANKEES!!"” HumorFunnyFoundDoctorsSeasonsTicketsYankeesBladder Author:Mike Birbiglia