Home / Topics / Humor Quotes

Humor Quotes

Browse 16077 quotes about Humor.

Humor Quotes

“After I told my wife that black underwear turned me on, she didn't wash my Y-fronts for a month.”

Humor Funny Black Wife Fronts Months My Wife Underwear

Author:Chic Murray

“We've been able to watch on our television screens sophisticated weaponry find a building; and we've seen dramatic reports from the front where Pulitzer Prize-to-be winning reporters stood up and declared, the United States is attacked, and all that.”

States Humor Able Political Winning United Watches United States Fronts Television Building Screens Dramatic Reports Prize Sophisticated Reporters Stood Up Political Humor Weaponry

Author:George W. Bush

“I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.”

Want Humor Funny Fun Comedy Fronts Late Machines Mad Glasses Bars Too Late Candy Magnifying Eyeglasses Magnifying Glass Candy Bar Vending Machines

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I met the girl who works at the Doubletree front desk, she gave me her number. It's ZERO. I tried to call from here, some other woman answered. "You sound older!"”

Humor Funny Girl Sound Numbers Fronts Mets Zero Desks Front Desk

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“Some comics get drunk before a show. I don't. When I get drunk, I don't want to stand in front of a bunch of people that I don't know. That does not sound comfortable. Why have all these people gathered? And why am I elevated and not facing the same way as everyone else? And what is this electric stick in my hand? I want a chair too!”

People Knows Way Want Doe Shows Humor Hands Funny Sound Fronts Comfortable Sticks Bunch Drunk Chairs Electric

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I tried to freshen up a room, so I held a Certs in front of a fan.”

Humor Funny Rooms Fans Fronts

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“Xylophone is spelled with an X. That's wrong. It should be a Z up front. Next time you spell xylophone, use a Z. If someone says, "That's wrong!", you say, "No, it ain't." If you think that's wrong, then you need to have your head Z-rayed.”

Ifs Thinking Needs Should Use Humor Funny Next Fronts Spells Next Time

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women's dresses usually button and zip in the back. We need men emotionally and sexually, but we also need men to help us get dressed.”

Men Needs Feels Helping Humor Funny Fronts Married Clothes Dresses Urges Buttons Sexually Zips

Author:Rita Rudner

“A man up in front of a judge says "I don't recognise this court." "Why not?" "It's been redecorated since the last time I was here."”

Men Humor Funny Lasts Fronts Judging Court Why Not Last Time Recognise

Author:Frank Carson

“On the most Scottish thing he'd ever seen: I was going through a town called Bathgate at around 11 o'clock at night. And there was a guy leaning and pissing against a front door. He then took out his keys and went inside.”

Humor Funny Night Guy Doors Fronts Keys Towns Clock Scottish Front Doors

Author:Frankie Boyle

“I never have free time, I don't know about you. You ever go to the cash machine, there's two people in line in front of you and you get kinda flustered, you're like "Forget it! I'm not standing here for 40 seconds. I got things to do, okay?"”

People Knows Two Humor Funny Lines Forget Fronts Standing Okay Machines Things To Do Seconds Cash Forget It Free Time

Author:Jim Gaffigan

“A lot of people think that Jesus is coming back. That's fine, it's your right. But you know, I live in New York, and I think he's running a little late. I'm asking myself, 'Alright, what happens if Jesus comes back tomorrow? What - does he make rounds to churches?' 'OK, everyone who's been good, buses leave in 10 minutes. I'll meet you in front of the post office. I gotta go. Oh, don't tell the Jews I'm back.'”

People Ifs Thinking Knows Littles Doe Humor Happens Running Funny Jesus Church Minutes Fronts New York Fine Tomorrow Office Late Asking Rounds Jew Posts Bus Coming Back Alright Post Office I'm Back

Author:Marc Maron

“She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up.”

Humor Funny Used Four Fronts Lessons Tests Seats Drivers

Author:Rodney Dangerfield

“I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.”

Humor Funny Doors Fronts Hey Sponges Front Doors

Book:The (Not Quite) Biggest Ever Tim Vine Joke Book: Children's Edition

Source: The (Not Quite) Biggest Ever Tim Vine Joke Book: Children's Edition

“A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts. A woman comes up to him and says "What are you supposed to be?" The man says "A premature ejaculation." "What?" says the woman. The man explains "I've just come in my pants."”

Men Humor Funny Party Fronts He Man Dresses Come Up Supposed To Be Fancy Pants Premature Ejaculation Premature Ejaculation

Author:Tommy Cooper

“Four years ago on this very day I tried to take my own life. And I said, "Zach, do it in front of your co-workers and end the misery." I don't know how many of you ever tried to jump off of a Pizza Hut, but you'll just get a sprained ankle out of the deal. Then you'll have to go back inside, and serve crazy bread.”

Knows Years Said Ends Humor Funny My Own Deals Know How Four Crazy Fronts Years Ago Misery Workers Bread Four Years Pizza My Own Life Ankles Huts Co Worker

Author:Zach Galifianakis

“My great grandmother threw herself in front of a bus. The police tried to say she was committed suicide but the family knew she was just trying to stop civil rights.”

Trying Humor Funny Rights Fronts Police Suicide Committed Civil Rights Grandmother Bus Great Grandmother

Author:Anthony Jeselnik

“My father was a simple man; my mother was a simple woman; you see the result standing in front of you, a simpleton.”

Men Humor Funny Mother Father Simple Results Fronts Standing Simpletons Simple Man

Author:Chic Murray

“The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.”

People Humor Funny Saws Tree Fronts Walking Shadow Standing Woods Candle Rabbits

Author:Steven Wright