“For health and the constant enjoyment of life, give me a keen and ever present sense of humor; it is the next best thing to an abiding faith in providence.” GivingHumorNextGive MeConstantBest ThingsEnjoymentSense Of HumorProvidenceAbidingAbiding Faith Author:George Barrell Cheever
“I don't need a receipt for a doughnut. I'll just give you the money, and you give me the doughnut. End of transaction! We don't need to bring ink and paper into this! I can't imagine a scenario where I'd have to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend...'Don't even act like I didn't buy that doughnut! I've got the documentation right here! Oh, wait, it's back home, in the file. Under d...for doughnut.'” NeedsGivingI CanEndsHomeHumorFunnyWaitingImagineProvePaperGive MeInkFilesSkepticalScenariosBack HomeTransactionsDoughnutDocumentationReceiptsInk And Paper Author:Mitch Hedberg
“I want to thank you for coming to the White House to give me an opportunity to urge you to work with these five senators and three congressmen, to work hard to get this trade promotion authority moving. The power that be, well most of the power that be, sits right here.” WantGivingWellsHardHumorMovingPoliticalThreeOpportunityHouseWhiteFiveHard WorkAuthorityGive MeTradeUrgesWhite HouseSenatorsPromotionCongressmanPolitical HumorThank You For Coming Author:George W. Bush
“I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."” WantGivingHumorFunnyWinningRichGunGive MeCuteDimples Author:Mitch Hedberg
“That's why I'm glad Jesus died when he did. Because if he lived to be 40, he would have ended up like Elvis. He was famous already at that point. If he lived to be 40, he'd be walking around Jerusalem with a big fat beer gut and black side burns going, Damn, I'm the son of God. Give me a cheeseburger and french fries right now.” IfsGivingHumorBigsFunnyJesusSidesBlackSonWalkingRight NowGive MeDiedGladFatsBeerDamnGutsJerusalemFriesFrench FriesCheeseburger Author:Denis Leary
“You know I used to work at Ikea, selling over 7,000 products. Give me a number between 1-7,000 I'll tell you about it. Sorry out of stock, lucky you chose that one.” KnowsGivingHumorFunnyUsedNumbersProductsLuckyGive MeSorrySellingLucky YouIkea Author:Milton Jones
“A man walks into a pet shop and says: "Give me a wasp." The shopkeeper replies: "We don't sell wasps." He says: "There's one in the window."” MenGivingHumorFunnyWalksWindowGive MeSellsShopsPetWaspsShopkeepers Author:Frank Carson
“We were talking briefly about cocaine... yeah. Anything that makes you paranoid and impotent, give me more of that!” GivingHumorFunnyTalkingGive MeYeahCocaineParanoid Author:Robin Williams
“My father tried to give me the sex talk once, and he chickened out. He walked into my room and went, 'Adam - uh, don't kiss guys.'” GivingHumorFunnyGuyFatherSexRoomsKissingGive MeAdam Author:Adam Ferrara
“I got up this morning. I like to get up in the morning; it gives me the rest of the day to myself. I crossed the landing and went down stairs. Mind you, if there had been no stairs, I wouldn't even have attempted it.” IfsGivingMindHumorFunnyMorningGive MeGet UpStairsLanding Author:Chic Murray