“I got jury duty and I didn't want to go, so my friend said, "You should write something really really racist on the form when you return it. Like, you should put 'I hate chinks'." And I said, "I'm not going to put that on there just to get out of jury duty. I don't want people to think that about me." So instead I wrote, "I love chinks." And who doesn't?” PeopleThinkingWantShouldWritingSaidHumorFunnyFormHateDutyLike YouReturnMy FriendsI HateRacistJuryChinksJury Duty Author:Sarah Silverman
“Don't boo people! Don't boo! Be more specific! Like, 'WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT?! I HATE THAT! I HATE IT!'” PeopleHumorFunnyHateI Hate Author:Zach Galifianakis
“I hate sandwiches at New York delis. Too much meat on the sandwich. It's like a cow with a cracker on either side. "Would you like anything else with the pastrami sandwich?" "Yeah, a loaf of bread and some other people!"” PeopleHumorFunnyPastHateSidesToo MuchNew YorkI HateYeahBreadMeatCowsSandwichesCrackersPastrami Author:Mitch Hedberg
“I hate flossing, I wish I just had one long curvy tooth. They didn't have to make separations for me.” LongHumorFunnyHateWishI HateSeparationTeethCurvyFlossing Author:Mitch Hedberg
“I hate turkeys. If you go to the grocery store, you start to get mad at turkeys. You see turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Somebody just needs to tell the turkeys, "Man, just be yourselves!" I already like you, little fella. I used to draw you. If you had a couple of fingers missing, you would draw a really messed-up turkey. That turkey was in an accident!” IfsMenNeedsLittlesHumorFunnyUsedHateMissingLike YouCoupleDrawsI HateMadFingersAccidentsStoresTurkeysGroceriesMessed UpHamGrocery StoresFellasBolognaPastrami Author:Mitch Hedberg
“I hate arrows. They try to tell me which direction to go. It's like "I ain't going that way, line with two thirds of a triangle on the end!"” WayTryingTwoEndsHumorFunnyHateLinesThirdsI HateArrowsTriangles Author:Mitch Hedberg
“I hate niggas! I hate em! I wish they'd let me join the Ku Klux Klan!” HumorFunnyHateWishLet MeI HateEmsKu Klux Klan Author:Chris Rock
“I hate seeing people that look like you. Especially if God's living by the motto 'If at first you don't succeed.'” PeopleIfsFirstsLooksHumorFunnyHateSeeingLike YouSucceedI HateMotto Author:Demetri Martin
“I hate sitting in traffic, because I always get run over.” HumorRunningFunnyHateSittingI HateTraffic Author:Milton Jones
“I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."” SaidHumorFunnyHateGirlMorningCryI HateMaking LoveHate YouThis GirlHate MyselfI Hate Myself Author:Rodney Dangerfield
“God, do I hate my little fat tits. You ever pinch your little meat tits and wish you were dead? You ever just stand naked in the mirror. "You little fat-titted mediocre failure!" You ever do that for 3 hours on New Year's Eve.” YearsLittlesHumorFunnyHateWishHoursI HateMirrorsNakedFatsMeatNew YearMediocreWish YouNew Years Eve Author:Jim Norton
“I don't have kids. That's why I leave it in the dumper or in the mouth, because I hate kids.” HumorKidsFunnyHateMouthsI Hate Author:Jim Norton
“For the record, I hate skiing... and if you get killed doing it, GOOD.” IfsHumorFunnyHateRecordsI HateSkiingGood Fun Author:Jim Norton
“There's not enough psychedelic stuff on TV. I want the world to be a bit weirder than it is. I hate reality, so I hate reality TV. But I love Columbo.” WorldWantEnoughHumorRealityFunnyHateStuffBitsTvsI HatePsychedelicReality Tv Author:Noel Fielding