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Humor Quotes

Browse 16077 quotes about Humor.

Humor Quotes

“Living in New York City gives people real incentives to want things that nobody else wants.”

People Want Giving Real Humor Funny Cities New York New York City Incentives

Book:Andy Warhol, Priest:

Source: Andy Warhol, Priest:

“Interesting survey in the current Journal of Abnormal Psychology: New York City has a higher percentage of people you shouldn't make any sudden moves around than any other city in the world.”

People World Humor Funny Moving Interesting Cities Psychology New York Higher Currents New York City Journal Percentages Surveys Abnormal Cities In The World Abnormal Psychology

Book:Late night with David Letterman: the book

Source: Late night with David Letterman: the book

“According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to live in America is the city of Pittsburgh. The city of New York came in twenty-fifth. Here in New York we really don't care too much. Because we know that we could beat up their city anytime.”

Knows Humor Care Funny America Cities Too Much New York Beats Twenties Don't Care Fifth Places To Live Best Place Pittsburgh Caring Too Much

Author:David Letterman

“Someone did a study of the three most-often-heard phrases in New York City. One is "Hey taxi." Two is "What train do I take to get to Bloomingdales?" And three is "Don't worry, it's only a flesh wound.”

Two Humor Funny Three Cities Worry Study Heard New York Train Flesh Wounds Hey Phrases New York City Taxi

Author:David Letterman

“Yes, I've now got this nice little apartment in New York, one of those L-shaped ones. Unfortunately, it's a lower case l.”

Littles Humor Funny Cases Nice New York Apartment

Author:Rita Rudner

“There's Adam Clymer, major league asshole from The New York Times.”

Humor Political New York Majors League Adam New York Times Political Humor Major League

Author:George W. Bush

“He has certainly earned a reputation as a fantastic mayor, because the results speak for themselves. I mean, New York's a safer place for him to be.”

Mean Humor Political Speak Results New York Reputation Fantastic Mayors Political Humor

Author:George W. Bush

“Everywhere outside New York City is Bridgeport, Connecticut.”

Humor Funny Cities New York New York City Connecticut

Author:Fred Allen

“I hate sandwiches at New York delis. Too much meat on the sandwich. It's like a cow with a cracker on either side. "Would you like anything else with the pastrami sandwich?" "Yeah, a loaf of bread and some other people!"”

People Humor Funny Past Hate Sides Too Much New York I Hate Yeah Bread Meat Cows Sandwiches Crackers Pastrami

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I got a hotel room at New York New York in Las Vegas and I was very happy. They've got that rollercoaster encircling the entire premises, just like Manhattan.”

Humor Funny Rooms New York Hotel Very Happy Premises Vegas Las Vegas Manhattan Hotel Rooms Rollercoaster

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“New York... when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you.”

Way Humor Funny Remember Fall New York Civilization Falling Apart

Author:David Letterman

“Tourists - have some fun with New york's hard-boiled cabbies. When you get to your destination, say to your driver, "Pay? I was hitchhiking."”

Hard Humor Funny Fun Pay New York Destination Drivers Tourists Hitchhiking

Book:Late night with David Letterman: the book

Source: Late night with David Letterman: the book

“In New York, you are constantly faced with this very urgent decision that you have to make, about every twenty minutes...you have to decide, immediately, you have to go "Ohmigod. Do I look at the most beautiful woman in the world or the craziest guy in the world?"”

World Looks Humor Funny Beautiful Guy Decision Minutes New York Twenties Urgent Beautiful Women Craziest Most Beautiful Woman In The World

Author:David Cross

“This is the most exciting place in the world to live. Oh yeah! There are so many ways to die in New York City! Race riots, drive by shootings, subway crashes, construction cranes collapsing on the sidewalks, manhole covers blowing up and asbestos shooting into the sky.”

World Way Humor Funny Dies Race Cities Sky New York Exciting Yeah Shooting New York City Construction Crash Riot Places In The World Subway Sidewalk Cranes Blowing Up Asbestos Race Riots

Author:Denis Leary

“Yeah, I love living in New York, man, and people who live in New York, we wear that fact like a badge right on our sleeve because we know that fact impresses everybody! I was in Vietnam. So what? I live in New York!”

People Knows Men Facts Humor Funny New York Yeah Vietnam Impress Sleeves Badges

Author:Denis Leary

“RyanAir have been getting a hard time because they've launched a £7 flight to New York. Although as always with RyanAir it does land slightly outside of New York. In Dublin.”

Doe Has Beens Hard Humor Funny Land New York Flight Hard Times Dublin

Author:Frankie Boyle

“I can't help thinking the failed New York bomber would've done far more damage if he'd simply driven throught Times Square in a Toyota.”

Ifs Thinking I Can Done Helping Humor Funny New York Driven Damage Squares Bombers Toyota Times Square

Author:Frankie Boyle

“A lot of people think that Jesus is coming back. That's fine, it's your right. But you know, I live in New York, and I think he's running a little late. I'm asking myself, 'Alright, what happens if Jesus comes back tomorrow? What - does he make rounds to churches?' 'OK, everyone who's been good, buses leave in 10 minutes. I'll meet you in front of the post office. I gotta go. Oh, don't tell the Jews I'm back.'”

People Ifs Thinking Knows Littles Doe Humor Happens Running Funny Jesus Church Minutes Fronts New York Fine Tomorrow Office Late Asking Rounds Jew Posts Bus Coming Back Alright Post Office I'm Back

Author:Marc Maron

“It was reported that the New York Knicks have won all 12 of the home games attended by magician David Blaine. A spokesman for the Knicks said, 'if this is what it takes to win, it's not worth it.'”

Ifs Said Home Humor Funny Games Winning New York Worth It Magician Not Worth It Knicks

Author:Tina Fey