“Yes, I've now got this nice little apartment in New York, one of those L-shaped ones. Unfortunately, it's a lower case l.” LittlesHumorFunnyCasesNiceNew YorkApartment Author:Rita Rudner
“I know she's just trying to make things nice, so I do my part. Now, when I get up to use the bathroom in the middle of the night, I turn on the light. I used to just go by sonar: just keep peeing 'til you hear water.” KnowsTryingUseHumorLightFunnyUsedNightTurnsWaterNiceMiddleDatingGet UpBathroomTurn-onMiddle Of The NightFunny Dating Author:Adam Ferrara
“You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.” ShouldHumorFunnyFacesNiceGunShotsDimples Author:Mitch Hedberg
“Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich" usually cancels out the nice of "bald".” MenHumorFunnyRichNiceCarefulArroganceBe Careful Author:Rita Rudner
“All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names.” ThinkingMenHumorFunnyGuyNamesNiceListsContactNice Guy Author:Rita Rudner
“You should never be mean to other girls. I don't care what grade you're in. Be nice to people until you're my age... and you have your own TV show.” PeopleShouldMeanShowsHumorCareAgeFunnyGirlNiceTvsDon't CareI Don't CareGradesBeing NiceTv ShowsOther GirlBe Nice To People Author:Chelsea Handler
“There are two types of wine essentially, and everybody knows this. There's the one where you drink it and go, "Mmmm, well that's ok, can we get 8 of those please, give us 8 of those." There's the other one, you know, where you go "Ga... bt... Jesus, WHAT is that?" Very, very occasionally I concede you will hit a subtle one. You know, where you go "Ga... ba... ah, actually that's not that bad, that is. It's quite nice."” KnowsGivingWellsTwoHumorFunnyJesusNiceTypeDrinkPleaseWineSubtle Author:Dylan Moran
“You're talking to a modern, nice, affable German person and they're saying to you something like 'You know, vell, it's a critical time now for Germany within Europe, also globally, economically ve are pretty good, ve have been better. But ve are very vibrant in the theater and arts...' and all the time you'll be listening to this, you're thinking Mmm, yeah, mmm... Hitler, Hitler, Hitler, Hitler, Hitler.” ThinkingKnowsPersonsHas BeensArtHumorFunnyTalkingNiceModernLike YouListeningEuropeTheaterYeahCriticalGermanyAffable Author:Dylan Moran
“People go to Vegas, and they don't know what to do; here's what you do. You go to the casino in your hotel. On your arrival, you get $100 in quarters. Take that $100 back to your hotel room and stare at it for a long, long time. Why? Because you're never going to see them again. Then you take those quarters to the bathroom and you flush them, one by one by one. And the nice thing about that is that every so often the toilet will back up, and you'll feel like a WINNER!” PeopleKnowsFeelsLongHumorFunnyRoomsNiceLong TimeWinnerStaringHotelQuartersBathroomToiletsVegasNice ThingsArrivalsHotel RoomsCasinos Author:Lewis Black
“My mum told me the best time to ask my dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I'd ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door saying "Can I have a new bike?". He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.” HumorFunnyAsksGivenSexNiceDoorsAdviceDadMy DadUpsetMumSecretaryBedroomBikeBest TimesBest Advice Author:Jimmy Carr
“When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, "Emo, don't go near the cellar door!" One day when they were away, I went up to the cellar door. And I pushed it and walked through and saw strange, wonderful things, things I had never seen before, like... trees. Grass. Flowers. The sun... that was nice... the sun.” HumorKidsFunnyUsedParentSunSawsNiceWonderfulDoorsTreeStrangeFlowerOne DayGrassWonderful ThingsCellarsEmo Author:Emo Philips
“The owners of a dog which swallowed a diamond worth £12000 had to wait three days until it re-emerged. With a bit of planning it could have been a nice way to propose.” WayHas BeensHumorFunnyThreeBitsWaitingNiceDogPlanningOwnersDiamondCould Have BeenPropose Author:Frankie Boyle
“I saw a commercial for the maxi pads for the bigger gals they're making now. That was a nice visual while I was eating.” HumorFunnySawsNiceEatingBiggerVisualsPadsGals Author:Adam Carolla
“She got really mad a month ago, because she had e-mailed me a naked picture of herself - which is a nice thing to do - but then I messed up, and I accidentally forwarded that e-mail to both of my parents. Now, my girlfriend is furious, mortified, but I don't even care, 'cause now I have to call up my mother and say 'Mom, I am so sorry - that picture was just for dad.'” HumorCareFunnyMotherCausesParentNiceMomMonthsDadMadSorryNakedThings To DoGirlfriendMailMy GirlfriendNice ThingsFuriousMessed UpI Am So Sorry Author:Anthony Jeselnik
“My wife went to a beauty parlor and got a mudpack; for two days she looked nice, then the mud fell off.” TwoHumorFunnyNiceWifeMy WifeMudTwo DaysParlor Author:Chic Murray
“Somebody broke into my house once, this is a good time to call the police, but mm mm, nope. The house was too nice. It was a real nice house, but they'd never believe i lived in it. They'd be like 'He's still here!” BelieveStillsRealHumorFunnyHouseNicePoliceBrokeGood TimesToo NiceNice House Author:Dave Chappelle
“Mel: What was your name again? Rain: Rain. Mel: Oh that's nice. Kind of like bad weather.” KindHumorFunnyNamesNiceRainWeatherBad Weather Author:Kristen Schaal