“Being a comedian, people tell me stuff they shouldn't tell their therapist.” PeopleHumorFunnyStuffComedianTherapists Author:Jeff Foxworthy
“The stuff that made me mad 20 years ago doesn't really make me mad any more.” YearsMadeHumorFunnyStuffComedyYears AgoMad Author:Jeff Foxworthy
“Tony the Tiger usually thinks that stuff is great.” ThinkingHumorFunnyStuffTigers Author:Mitch Hedberg
“I wish they made fajita cologne, because that stuff smells good. What's that you're wearing? That's sizzlin'!” MadeHumorFunnyWishStuffSmellCologne Author:Mitch Hedberg
“I'm a mumbler. If I'm walking with a friend, and I say something, he says, "What?" So I say it again, and he says, "What?" Really, it's just some insignificant stuff I'm saying, but now I'm yelling, "That tree is far away!"” IfsHumorFunnyStuffTreeWalkingFar AwayInsignificantYelling Author:Mitch Hedberg
“I made $3,000 opening for the Neville Brothers, and they paid me in cash. That was a bad situation, because I bought ridiculous stuff. I bought a snake bite emergency kit. Then I said to my friends, "Don't even worry about snakes anymore". My friend stepped on a worm, and I said, "Lay down!"” MadeSaidHumorFunnyStuffSituationWorryBrotherMy FriendsPaidLaysRidiculousOpeningBitesCashSnakesWormsEmergenciesBad Situations Author:Mitch Hedberg
“I travel with a boom box. When I get on a plane, I stuff the power cord for the boom box into the battery compartment. From an outsider's point of view, it looks like I've got it all wrong.” LooksHumorFunnyStuffViewsBoxesPoint Of ViewPlanesOutsidersBatteriesCords Author:Mitch Hedberg
“I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.” HumorFunnyFoundStuffMonthsSixMachinesCancerBagsRaysAirports Author:Mitch Hedberg
“I got some tartar control toothpaste. I still have tartar, but that stuff's under control. I got so much tartar, I don't have to dip my fish sticks in anything. That's actually kind of gross. After that joke, I have to clarify that I'm just joking.” KindStillsHumorFunnyStuffJokesSticksFishesGrossDipToothpaste Author:Mitch Hedberg
“I wrote a letter to my Dad - I wrote, "I really enjoy being here," but I accidentally wrote rarely instead of really. But I still wanted to use it, so I wrote, "I rarely drive steamboats, Dad - there's a lot of stuff you don't know about me. Quit trying to act like I'm a steamboat operator." This letter took a harsh turn right away.” KnowsTryingStillsUseHumorWantedFunnyTurnsStuffEnjoyDadLettersMy DadQuittingHarshOperatorsSteamboats Author:Mitch Hedberg
“I just thought everybody lived around abandoned buildings and crack-heads, ... I lived in the ghetto until I was like 19. I came to Los Angeles, stayed at hotels and stuff. When I got back and I saw what my neighborhood looked like, I started getting scared.” HumorFunnyStuffSawsBuildingScaredHotelNeighborhoodLos AngelesCracksAbandonedGhettoAbandoned Buildings Author:Chris Rock
“I got some new pajamas with pockets in 'em. Which is great, because before that, I used to have to hold stuff when I slept. But now I'm like, 'Where's my planner? There it is. "Keep sleeping." All right, perfect.'” HumorFunnyUsedStuffSleepPerfectPocketsEmsPlannersPajamas Author:Demetri Martin
“I like "Rock, Paper, Scissors Two-Thirds." You know. "Rock breaks scissors." "These scissors are bent. They're destroyed. I can't cut stuff. So I lose." "Scissors cuts paper." "These are strips. This is not even paper. It's gonna take me forever to put this back together." "Paper covers rock." "Rock is fine. No structural damage to rock. Rock can break through paper at any point. Just say the word. Paper sucks." There should be "Rock, Dynamite with a Cutable Wick, Scissors."” KnowsShouldI CanTwoHumorFunnyTogetherStuffLosesBreakForeverCuttingRocksFinePaperThirdsDestroyedDamageTake MeBentBreak ThroughBack TogetherDynamiteScissors Author:Demetri Martin
“Wow this place is really big isn't it? They must do proper stuff here, like opera and all that...shite.” HumorBigsFunnyStuffWowOpera Author:Dylan Moran
“Now, most of the time you couldn't be too sure of the quality of the drug. Although, in my experience the stuff was always of a very high quality, because back then we didn't have business majors peddling lower-quality stuff in an effort to increase profits.” HumorFunnyStuffEffortQualityDrugMajorsIncreaseProfitHigh QualityPeddling Book:Nothing's Sacred Source: Nothing's Sacred
“The things that I'm talking about not knowing, they're not mysteries of the universe; it's just stuff I thought I would know by the time I was thirty-nine.” KnowsHumorFunnyUniverseStuffTalkingKnowingMysteryNineThirtyNot Knowing Author:Jeff Foxworthy
“That's just something instinctual within men. We always feel like we've got to protect our stuff. Even if it's not worth protecting, we want to protect it. You ever seen people who have like a piece of crap Pinto with a Club on the steering wheel. Somebody breaks the window, steals the Club, leaves the Pinto in a pile of glass.” PeopleIfsMenWantFeelsHumorFunnyStuffBreakPiecesProtectWindowGlassesClubsStealingWheelsCrapSteering Author:Jeff Foxworthy
“I'm a - I'm a, um, a godmother which is just, that's fun to be a godmother, she is so precious, she's the light of my life, she's two... or five or something, and she's, uh... I don't know, I've never seen her - the pictures are precious, she just seems so, y'know... She lives clear across town, I don't have that kind of time, but, um... Well, I send money and stuff, it's not like I don't have a connection...” KnowsWellsKindTwoHumorLightSeemsFunnyFunStuffClearFiveConnectionsTownsGodmotherLight Of My Life Author:Ellen DeGeneres
“I don't know how long i could be a vet before i got bored and started shagging stuff.” KnowsLongHumorFunnyStuffKnow HowBoredVetsShagging Author:Frankie Boyle
“The only award I've been nominated for is a Scottish BAFTA. A Scottish BAFTA, it's like hearing that the animals have their own Olympics. You hear all this stuff about TV being faked. Of course it's faked. It's all faked. That documentary a couple of weeks ago about tribal warfare among monkeys, that was all filmed in a Yates wine lodge in Dundee. Comic Relief is faked. Everybody in Africa is fine.” HumorFunnyCoursesStuffAnimalWeekTvsFineCoupleWineHearingComicReliefAwardsWarfareOlympicsMonkeysDocumentariesScottishLodgesComic ReliefDundee Author:Frankie Boyle
“I kinda expected to turn the bottle and see a recipe. "So that's how you make ice cubes. Apparently you just freeze this stuff. Oh, but you need a tray. That's how they trick you into it."” NeedsHumorFunnyTurnsStuffExpectedTricksIceBottlesRecipesFreezeCubesTrays Author:Jim Gaffigan
“There's not enough psychedelic stuff on TV. I want the world to be a bit weirder than it is. I hate reality, so I hate reality TV. But I love Columbo.” WorldWantEnoughHumorRealityFunnyHateStuffBitsTvsI HatePsychedelicReality Tv Author:Noel Fielding