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Humor Quotes

Browse 16077 quotes about Humor.

Humor Quotes

“Someone did a study of the three most-often-heard phrases in New York City. One is "Hey taxi." Two is "What train do I take to get to Bloomingdales?" And three is "Don't worry, it's only a flesh wound.”

Two Humor Funny Three Cities Worry Study Heard New York Train Flesh Wounds Hey Phrases New York City Taxi

Author:David Letterman

“To the pessimist the light at the end of the tunnel is another train.”

Source: Bouncing back: I've survived everything-- and I mean everything-- and you can too!

“All men would still really like to own a train set.”

Men Stills Humor Funny Train

Author:Rita Rudner

“The reason we'd stopped was that the buffet car was on fire, that was the reason we stopped. One of the giant biscuits spontaneously combusted out of boredom. Whoever was charged with making the announcement momentarily lost all sense of procedure and we got this tantalizing glimpse into the chaos on the trains, and all we could hear was (bangs on microphone) "Gary, it's burning, what we gonna do?!" And everyone on the carriage just cheered, "Hooray! We're rubbish!"”

Reason Humor Funny Lost Fire Car Train Chaos Burning Giants Boredom Glimpse Bangs Procedures Rubbish Microphones Buffets Gary Carriages Announcements Biscuits Tantalizing

Author:Bill Bailey

“There's a metal train that a mile long and at the very back end a lightning bolt struck her. How long til it reaches and kills the driver, provided that he's a good conductor?”

Long Ends Humor Funny Train Miles Drivers Metals Lightning Bolts Conductor Lightning Bolts

Author:Bo Burnham

“What was wrong with train toilet doors that just locked, instead of this multiple choice system? If anything goes wrong, you'll be sitting there while the whole toilet wall slowly slides away, unveiling you like a prize on a quiz show. For 500 points, a shitting woman!”

Ifs Whole Shows Humor Funny Choices Doors Wall Sitting Train Prize Locked Multiple Toilets Slides Anything Goes Quiz Multiple Choice Unveiling Quiz Show

Author:Frankie Boyle

“I saw this train driver and said, 'I wanna go to Paris.' He said, 'Eurostar?' I said, 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.' Mind you, at least the Eurostar's comfy. It's murder on the Orient Express isn't it?”

Mind Wells Said Humor Funny Saws Murder Train Paris Drivers Dean

Author:Tim Vine

“So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".”

Want Said Humor Funny Train Paris Drivers Dean

Author:Tommy Cooper

“So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".”

Humor Funny Train Disaster Load Turtles Tortoises Lorry

Author:Tommy Cooper

“If it doesn't work, at least it will be an interesting train wreck.”

Ifs Humor Funny Interesting Train Wrecks Train Wrecks

Author:Craig Ferguson