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Humorous Quotes

Browse 3047 quotes about Humorous.

Humorous Quotes

“Wood heat is not new. It dates back to a day millions of years ago, when a group of cavemen were sitting around, watching dinosaurs rot. Suddenly, lightning struck a nearby log and set it on fire. One of the cavemen stared at the fire for a few minutes, then said: Hey! Wood heat! The other cavemen, who did not understand English, immediately beat him to death with stones. But the key discovery had been made, and from that day forward, the cavemen had all the heat they needed, although their insurance rates went way up.”

Way Years Made Said Millions Fire Groups Minutes Keys Needed Beats Humorous Sitting Discovery Years Ago Stones Rate Woods Hey Heat Lightning Dinosaurs Sitting Around Cavemen Insurance Rate

Author:Dave Barry

“The pitcher wound up and he flang the ball at the batter. The batter swang and missed. The pitcher flang the ball again and this time the batter connected. He hit a high fly right to the center fielder. The center fielder was all set to catch the ball, but at the last minute his eyes were blound by the sun and he dropped it.”

Eye Lasts Sun Minutes Humorous Balls Connected Wounds His Eyes Pitcher Last Minute Center Fielders

Author:Dizzy Dean

“Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.”

Running Time Work Minutes Hard Work Humorous Distance Witty Seconds Sixty Distance Relationship Unforgiving Distance Runner Distance Running Great Running Best Poetry

Author:Rudyard Kipling

“I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30.”

Ifs Inspiration America Stuff Minutes Television Intellectual Humorous Newspapers Educate Monday

Author:Groucho Marx

“Back in the late '90s, I put together a humorous newsmagazine program called 'The Awful Truth' for Bravo. We helped one guy get an organ transplant whose insurance company had refused to pay. I thought, if we could save a guy's life in a 10-minute segment on cable, what could we do if we devoted a whole movie to a whole bunch of people?”

People Ifs Whole Together Guy Pay Company Minutes Late Humorous Program Bunch Awful Organs Devoted Cables Insurance Companies Transplants Bravo Organ Transplant

Author:Michael Moore

“A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.”

Inspirational Funny Time Hours Loses Groups Minutes Laughter Humorous Meetings Witty Committees

Author:Milton Berle

“I’m going to kill myself. I should go to Paris and jump off the Eiffel Tower. I’ll be dead. you know, in fact, if I get the Concorde, I could be dead three hours earlier, which would be perfect. Or wait a minute. It -- with the time change, I could be alive for six hours in New York but dead three hours in Paris. I could get things done, and I could also be dead.”

Ifs Knows Should Done Facts Would Be Three Waiting Hours Perfect Alive Minutes New York Six Humorous Witty Paris Towers Things Done Eiffel Tower Eiffel Concorde

Book:Woody Allen: Interviews

Source: Woody Allen: Interviews

“The man who asks a question is a fool for a minute, the man who does not ask is a fool for life.”

“You can leave in a huff. Or you can leave in a minute and a huff.”

Funny Minutes Humorous Witty Soup Phonograph

Author:Groucho Marx

“The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.”

Source: Churchill By Himself

“You can get by on charm for about 15 minutes. After that, you better know something.”

Knows Minutes Humorous I've Learned Charm

Author:H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

“It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes”

Funny Minutes Dog Humorous Witty My Dog

Author:Jay London

“Meanwhile, the minute you put on the dotted line your Sam Hancock - and before a notary - you'll not only get the negative but Elsie makes a wonderful stuffed cabbage which we'll include gratis a few portions but return the jars please.”

Funny Lines Wonderful Minutes Return Please Humorous Negative Portions Negotiation Jars Bargaining Cabbage Notary

Book:Mere Anarchy

Source: Mere Anarchy

“Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute.”

Source: Bite-Size Einstein: Quotations on Just About Everything from the Greatest Mind of the Twentieth Century

“The Arab peoples possess an ancient and highly developed civilization that is in many ways more sophisticated than our own. For instance, they invented algebra. And this is why we have to go to war with Saddam Hussein this minute and bomb the shish kebab out of him before he invents trig and chemistry and the whole of America flunks high school.”

Way War Whole School Funny America Minutes Civilization Humorous High School Ancient Instance Bombs Chemistry Sophisticated Saddam Hussein Algebra Kebabs

Book:Thrown Under the Omnibus

Source: Thrown Under the Omnibus