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Humorous Quotes

Browse 3047 quotes about Humorous.

Humorous Quotes

“America is the country where you can buy a lifetime supply of aspirin For one dollar and use it up in two weeks.”

Two Country Use Funny America Week Humorous Dollars Lifetime Two Weeks Aspirin

Author:John Barrymore

“The humorous writer professes to awaken and direct your love, your pity, your kindness--your scorn for untruth, pretension, imposture....He takes upon himself to be the week-day preacher.”

Humor Kindness Week Love You Humorous Direct Pity Preacher Scorn Pretension Untruth

Author:Mark Twain

“I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as hell”

Made House Hell Week Humorous Mad Good Life Landlord

Author:Garry Shandling

“Sun worship is fairly simple. There's no mystery, no miracles, no pageantry, no one asks for money, there are no songs to learn, and we don't have a special building where we all gather once a week to pare compare clothing.”

Song Asks Simple Sun Mystery Week Special Building Worship Humorous Miracle Compare Clothings Pageantry

Book:Napalm & Silly Putty

Source: Napalm & Silly Putty

“A politician needs the ability to foretell what is going to happen tomorrow, next week, next month, and next year. And to have the ability afterwards to explain why it didn't happen.”

“I went to school, majored in theatre, and said 'Mom, I have to choose my own destiny. I want to be an actor.' A couple of weeks after I graduated college I called my mother up and said 'Can I borrow $200?' and she said 'Why don't you act like you've got $200.'”

Want Said School Funny Mother Actors My Own Acting Destiny Week College Like You Mom Couple Humorous Theatre

Author:Arsenio Hall

“Some jobs are worse than actual wives. Ad agency vs. Matrimony, for instance: Even the most capricious and demanding spouse is not going to divorce you for refusing to spend forty hours a week making up lies about toilet paper.”

Source: The Bachelor Home Companion: A Practical Guide to Keeping House Like a Pig

“I can't even get three weeks off to have cosmetic surgery.”

I Can Three Week Humorous Surgery Hilarious Cosmetics Cosmetic Surgery

Author:Paul Lynde

“If America cannot win a war in a week, it begins negotiating with itself.”

Ifs War Funny America Winning Week Humorous Negotiation Negotiating Bargaining

Author:William Safire

“Canada, as you know, is a major important nation boasting a sophisticated, cosmopolitan culture that was tragically destroyed last week by beavers.”

Knows Important Humor Funny Lasts Culture Nations Week Majors Humorous Destroyed Canada Sophisticated Boast Beavers

Book:Dave Barry Talks Back

Source: Dave Barry Talks Back