“If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest, craziest, most dysfunctional family in the world, all you have to do is go to a state fair. Because five minutes at the fair, you'll be going, 'you know, we're alright. We are dang near royalty.'” IfsKnowsWorldStatesFeelingsFunnyFamilyFiveMinutesLike YouFairsParenthoodFive MinutesRoyaltyAlrightYou Might Be A Redneck IfDysfunctional FamilyCraziestFunny Family Author:Jeff Foxworthy
“Heck by the time a man scratches his behind, clears his throat, and tells me how smart he is, we've already wasted fifteen minutes.” MenHumorFunnyTimeBehindsMinutesSmartManagementThroatTime ManagementFifteenScratches Author:Lyndon B. Johnson
“Apple is apparently building a large solar energy farm in North Carolina. And if there's any justice, the minute they're done building it, God will introduce a newer, smaller sun that's not compatible with their machinery.” IfsDoneFunnyEnergyJusticeSunMinutesBuildingGods WillApplesFarmsIntroducingMachineryCarolinaCompatibleNorth CarolinaSolar Energy Author:Jimmy Fallon
“I'm just going to be honest with you. It's hard to go out there and fight for 60 minutes when you're fighting throughout the week to make it through one practice. I'm not the only one. I'm just the only one that's man enough to stand up here and talk to y'all. It's obviously, in my opinion, an issue in our starts.” MenHardEnoughFunnyFightingOpinionPracticeIssuesWeekMinutesHonestBeing HonestNfl Author:Cary Williams
“XM radio doesn't have commercials, so after about thirty minutes of listening to it, I'm like, "What should I buy?"” ShouldHumorFunnyMinutesListeningRadioThirtyShould I Author:Mitch Hedberg
“I like those blow-up beds. "This becomes a full size bed in three minutes!" Well, a mattress kicks your ass. Zero seconds. "Yeah, but you can store this thing." You can store a bed, too - in the bedroom.” WellsHumorFunnyThreeMinutesBedYeahSizeBlowStoresAssKicksZeroSecondsBedroomMattresses Author:Mitch Hedberg
“When you're doing a show on stage, and they show you a red light, that means you have 5 minutes left. At some clubs, they hold a candle up in the back. That's the worst method. You're up here, and then you see a floating candle. "Oh, no! This place is haunted!" I can't be funny when I'm frightened.” MeanI CanShowsHumorLightFunnyLeftMinutesWorstStageRedMethodClubsFrightenedCandleFloatingRed Lights Author:Mitch Hedberg
“The first pitch to Tucker Ashford is grounded into left field. No, wait a minute. It's ball one. Low and outside.” FirstsHumorFunnyLeftWaitingMinutesFieldsLowsBaseballBallsGroundedLeft Field Author:Jerry Coleman
“He was all emotion all the time, constantly talking about his feelings and his profound love for her. He was minutes from getting his first period. He wrote poems too. It's my personal belief that if men are writing poems, they're making up for something else like a big hair back, or one ball. Not that one ball is a bad thing. Especially since I don't know any females who are dying to their their hands on a set of balls. The way I see it, the less balls, the better.” IfsKnowsMenWayWritingFirstsFeelingsHumorHandsBigsFunnyBeliefEmotionTalkingMinutesDyingHairPeriodsFemaleBallsProfoundBad ThingsMaking UpLove For HerWriting PoemsPersonal BeliefsBig HairProfound Love Author:Chelsea Handler
“Sex therapist claims that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears!! Personally, I think its bollocks!!” ThinkingMenWayHumorFunnySexMinutesEarsClaimsTherapistsLicking Author:Billy Connolly
“In New York, you are constantly faced with this very urgent decision that you have to make, about every twenty minutes...you have to decide, immediately, you have to go "Ohmigod. Do I look at the most beautiful woman in the world or the craziest guy in the world?"” WorldLooksHumorFunnyBeautifulGuyDecisionMinutesNew YorkTwentiesUrgentBeautiful WomenCraziestMost Beautiful Woman In The World Author:David Cross
“A man walks into a hospital feeling unwell and the doctor says: "Sorry, you've only got three minutes to live." The man said: "Can you do something for me?" "Yes," he said. "I'll boil you an egg."” MenSaidFeelingsHumorFunnyThreeWalksMinutesHe ManDoctorsSorryEggsHospitalsSaying Sorry Author:Frank Carson
“For me, stand-up comedy is a conversation between me and the audience. I have to keep them listening. When I'm making jokes about cake for twenty minutes, I have to make sure my audience is interested and following where I'm going.” HumorFunnyAudienceComedyMinutesListeningConversationJokesTwentiesFollowingCakeStand Up Comedy Author:Jim Gaffigan
“This city has so many beautiful women. I fall in love like every ten minutes, I'm sitting on the subway, I'm like, "There's my wife... there she is - oh, she's getting off. All right, there's the woman - all right, that's a man."” MenHumorFunnyBeautifulFallCitiesWifeMinutesTenSittingFalling In LoveMy WifeBeautiful WomenSubwayI Fall In Love Author:Jim Gaffigan
“A lot of people think that Jesus is coming back. That's fine, it's your right. But you know, I live in New York, and I think he's running a little late. I'm asking myself, 'Alright, what happens if Jesus comes back tomorrow? What - does he make rounds to churches?' 'OK, everyone who's been good, buses leave in 10 minutes. I'll meet you in front of the post office. I gotta go. Oh, don't tell the Jews I'm back.'” PeopleIfsThinkingKnowsLittlesDoeHumorHappensRunningFunnyJesusChurchMinutesFrontsNew YorkFineTomorrowOfficeLateAskingRoundsJewPostsBusComing BackAlrightPost OfficeI'm Back Author:Marc Maron
“Boy is my wife stupid. It takes her and hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughters no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive.” HumorSchoolFunnyHoursHalfBoysWatchesWifeMinutesStupidDaughterMy WifeMy DaughterPublic SchoolBargains Author:Rodney Dangerfield
“Yesterday, I masturbated for 45 minutes... with salad tongs.” HumorFunnyMinutesYesterdaySalad Author:Zach Galifianakis
“The human body is in constant change the minute we're born. It's in a constant state of decay. We're all like Ford Escorts, just falling apart.” HumansStatesBodyHumorFunnyFallBornMinutesConstantDecayFalling ApartHuman Body Author:Adam Ferrara
“Kids did really well in their A levels, how do we respond? 'A Levels are getting easier, in my day you had to do fifty questions in a minute, if you got one wrong, they killed your dad!” IfsWellsHumorKidsFunnyLevelsMinutesDadEasierFiftyYour Dad Author:Russell Howard
“If I found myself alone on planet Earth, no other humans, I would have sex with a monkey in like two minutes. Two minutes. That's really not long enough to be sure you're alone on the Earth, even. That's like... I walk outside, it's- there's not much traffic. "Oh, my God, it's just me! I'm gonna have sex with a monkey right now. Oh, no-there's a person."” IfsHumansPersonsLongTwoEnoughEarthFunnyFoundSexWalksComedyMinutesPlanetsRight NowTrafficMonkeysPlanet Earth Author:Louis C. K.
“I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.” I CanHumorFunnyCoursesWaitingHoursMinutesTenSpeed Author:Steven Wright
“I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building...I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turns to the other and says, "See, that's how it's done."” MindLittlesTwoDoneHumorFunnyLastsTurnsSawsHappenedFeetMinutesChangedBuildingSuicideCommitJumpingKittenLast MinuteFlippedJumping Off Author:Steven Wright