“I can't swim. I can't drive, either. I was going to learn to drive but then I thought, well, what if I crash into a lake?” IfsWellsI CanHumorFunnyLakesWhat IfSwimCrash Author:Dylan Moran
“I can't relax here. These people have no pubic hair anywhere. We have pubic hair on the ceiling.” PeopleI CanHumorFunnyHairRelaxCeilingsPubic Hair Author:Dylan Moran
“I feel very very old. My hair hurts. I have buttocks all over my body and I can't even smoke properly any more. I don't have lungs, I just have two poppadoms in here.” FeelsI CanTwoBodyHumorFunnyHurtHairSmokeLungsButtocks Author:Dylan Moran
“The sensible thing for everyone to do would be to write all their op-eds and think pieces now so they're ready the day after the election when [Donald] Trump is no longer in the picture. God, I can't wait for that. I hope he just goes away.” ThinkingWritingI CanWould BeWaitingPiecesReadyTrumpElectionSensible Author:Dylan Moran
“I find it incredibly boring when people are mean about some individuals, especially if the individual has no power. I can understand how someone deems it necessary if somebody is in power to tear them down - I think that's really crucial. I make a lot of mean jokes about myself; as a theme, suffering seems to me a very interesting thing for comedy, but not the suffering of a particular individual.” PeopleIfsThinkingMeanI CanSeemsSufferingIndividualInterestingComedyTearsParticularJokesBoringThemeCrucialVery InterestingInteresting Things Author:Dylan Moran
“I never thought I want to do anything, really, except not go to work properly and turn up at the same place every day and eat sandwiches in the same canteen, if I can possibly help it, as I don't think I'd be very good at it.” IfsThinkingWantI CanHelpingHumorFunnyTurnsVery GoodSandwichesCanteen Author:Dylan Moran
“When things are going well, I can't write fast enough to keep up with my mind. Writing walks, speech runs and talk flies. Other times, though, it's like fishing.” WritingMindWellsI CanEnoughRunningWalksSpeechFishing Author:Dylan Moran
“I don't know that you're able to measure your aggregate wisdom as you go through life. I can't say that I ever feel that I'm sitting on top of a growing mound of wisdom.” KnowsFeelsI CanAbleGrowingSitting Author:Dylan Moran
“America's work ethic is non-stop; it's not even enshrined in law that workers have to get their two weeks holiday money. But Americans work harder than everyone else I can think of.” ThinkingI CanTwoAmericaLawWeekHard WorkEthicsHarderWorkersHolidayWork EthicTwo WeeksIn-lawsWork HarderNon Stop Author:Dylan Moran
