“I asked the head musician if I could go onstage during the next break and he said sure. I got two laughs in twenty minutes, and walked out feeling more elated than I had ever felt in my entire life. The glory of that triumph contented me for two full years.” IfsYearsSaidTwoFeelingsNextFeltBreakLaughingMinutesMusicianGloryTwentiesTriumphIf I Could Author:Emo Philips
“What is eternity? You're on the checkout line at a supermarket. There are seven people in front of you. They are all old. They all have two carts and coupons for every item. They are all paying by check. None of them have ID. It's the checkout girl's first day on the job. She doesn't speak any English. Take away fifteen minutes from that, and you begin to get an idea of what eternity is.” PeopleFirstsTwoIdeasJobsGirlSpeakLinesMinutesFrontsEternitySevenChecksFifteenItemsSupermarketsCartsCheckouts Author:Emo Philips
“When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell.” TwoMagicTheorySpellsCompeting Author:Emo Philips
“I don't really hang out with people. I like to be by myself. In fact, I've been arrested a few times because I like to walk around at two or three in the morning, looking at shop windows. The cops take me to the station and fingerprint me. But I wouldn't call that hanging out.” PeopleTwoFactsThreeWalksMorningWindowShopsStationsHanging OutTake MeCopArrestedFingerprintsShop Windows Author:Emo Philips
“I love my family. I came home the other days. My brother's passed-out on the couch, holding an empty bottle of sleeping pills. So I called the paramedics, and they pumped his stomach, and I think he's learned his lesson: you know, never to take my last two sleeping pills.” ThinkingKnowsTwoHomeLastsSleepFamilyBrotherLessonsMy FamilyEmptyMy BrotherBottlesStomachPillsCouchesLove My FamilyI Love My FamilyParamedicsSleeping PillsEmpty Bottles Author:Emo Philips
“I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.” IfsKnowsMenTwoRealHumorRealitySeemsFunnyPainComedyHeardCaughtNaughtyChildbirthZippersReal Pain Author:Emo Philips
“Actually, my cd was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist.” TwoHumorFunnyReturnMissionaryCdsDutch Author:Emo Philips
“I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off of me, you two!"” MenSaidTwoHumorFunnyComedyWifeBedMy WifeCrushedAnother Man Author:Emo Philips
“I'm filthy stinking rich - well, two out of three ain't bad.” LifeWellsTwoThreeRichFilthyBad Life Author:Emo Philips
