“If an asteroid is coming toward you, you don't have to blow it up. You just have to slow it down long enough for our country to rotate out of the way.” IfsWayLongCountryEnoughBlowOur CountryAsteroids Author:Emo Philips
“Even the worst comic is at least somewhat entertaining, if only in a pathological way, for five minutes.” IfsWayFiveMinutesWorstComicEntertainingFive Minutes Author:Emo Philips
“The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn't I see you on television? I said, I don't know. You can't see out the other way.” KnowsWaySaidTelevision Author:Emo Philips
“I saw a psychologist once because I thought I had depression. It cost me $100. When I left, I realised that there's nothing he could have said that would cheer me up as much as if I found a $100 bill on my way home.” IfsWaySaidHomeFoundLeftSawsCostBillsMy WayCheerRealisedPsychologistWay HomeCheer Me Up Author:Emo Philips
“I've always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.” WayKidsHoursDarkTeachHorrorScaredBest WayDaylight Author:Emo Philips
“When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.” WayGodHumorKidsFunnyDeathUsedNightPrayerLordAtheismPrayingForgivenessForgivingAtheistStealingComedianSarcasmCyclesSarcasticEvery NightBikeTouringRealisedBicycleCyclingForgive MeWhat Is ForgivenessBeing A KidAnti ReligionFunny JokesFunny ReligiousGreatest AtheistTandemAsking GodTandem BikesLord Forgive MeTandem BicyclesGod Forgive Me Author:Emo Philips
“The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.” WayHumorFunnyEvilComedyOfficePostsCombinationTanksIncompetenceIncompetentPost Office Author:Emo Philips
“In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.” IfsWayHumorSchoolFunnyComedyGun Author:Emo Philips
“I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.” WayHumorFunnyNightGirlComedyConsciousToesSeductionRespondingSkillfulTagCaressThis Girl Author:Emo Philips
“I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.” KnowsWayFunnyHumorousBikeHilariousKnowing GodFunny ReligiousFunny One LinerWitty One Liners Author:Emo Philips
