“I was sick of people making fun of my hair and so I cut it off and I've got much more attention than ever before. It was like when Mona Lisa was stolen from the Louvre in 1906 - three times more people came to see where it used to be.” PeopleUsedThreeFunAttentionCuttingHairSickUsed To BeThree TimesStolenMona LisaLouvre Author:Emo Philips
“Interviewers always used to ask me about my pageboy haircut, and it drove me nuts: it almost made me suspect that there was something strange about it. So I cut off my pageboy.” MadeUsedAsksCuttingStrangeAsk MeSuspectsNutsHaircutsInterviewers Author:Emo Philips
“When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, "Emo, don't go near the cellar door!" One day when they were away, I went up to the cellar door. And I pushed it and walked through and saw strange, wonderful things, things I had never seen before, like... trees. Grass. Flowers. The sun... that was nice... the sun.” HumorKidsFunnyUsedParentSunSawsNiceWonderfulDoorsTreeStrangeFlowerOne DayGrassWonderful ThingsCellarsEmo Author:Emo Philips
“I used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, "I am a bulemic".” UsedNightDrunkEvery Night Author:Emo Philips
“I used to think I knew everything, but older you get the more you see other areas. If you could read everything about both sides, you'll pretty much be in the middle again, which is the state you had when you were totally ignorant. So my theory is if you maintain total ignorance - which isn't easy, but I try - you'll be just as far ahead as if you'd spent days and days reading about the whole issue. And you have that much extra time to play Pac-man.” IfsThinkingMenTryingStatesPlayWholeUsedReadingEasySidesIssuesMiddleIgnoranceTheoryAreasIgnorantExtrasBoth SidesPacsExtra Time Author:Emo Philips
“I'm not as good a swimmer as I used to be - thanks to evolution.” UsedEvolutionUsed To BeThanksSwimmer Author:Emo Philips
“Everyone, everywhere, and all the time, used to laugh at me when I was growing up. So, when I was around 18, I thought, 'I'll become a comedian, and then if everyone laughs at me, I'll be famous.' So I went on stage one night and, for the first time in my life, everyone stopped laughing at me.” IfsFirstsUsedNightLaughingGrowing UpGrowingStageFirst TimeComedianOne Night Author:Emo Philips
“My dad and I, we used to play baseball. I was the catcher. Which I liked. Until one day, I saw this game on TV, and I said, Hang on, how come their catcher doesn't have his hands tied to his ankles?” SaidPlayHandsUsedGamesSawsTvsDadOne DayBaseballMy DadTiedAnklesCatchersHands Tied Author:Emo Philips
“When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.” WayGodHumorKidsFunnyDeathUsedNightPrayerLordAtheismPrayingForgivenessForgivingAtheistStealingComedianSarcasmCyclesSarcasticEvery NightBikeTouringRealisedBicycleCyclingForgive MeWhat Is ForgivenessBeing A KidAnti ReligionFunny JokesFunny ReligiousGreatest AtheistTandemAsking GodTandem BikesLord Forgive MeTandem BicyclesGod Forgive Me Author:Emo Philips
“At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.” GivingFirstsHumorFunnyUsedFiveComedyDollarsGlassesAntidoteLemonadeRefills Author:Emo Philips
“I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.” ThinkingBodyHumorFunnyUsedRealizingBrainWonderfulHumourHumorousI RealizedComedianIronyOrgansRealised Author:Emo Philips
“I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.” HumorFunnyUsedGirlScaredUsed To BePretty Girl Author:Emo Philips
