“I started doing stand-up at the age of 20. This was back in 1976, around the time (coincidence?) that the first comedy clubs were starting. The young comedians of today gasp when I tell them how many shows I did that first year: 500. Five nights a week.” YearsFirstsShowsAgeTodayYoungNightFiveComedyWeekStartingClubsComedianCoincidenceComedy ClubsAge Of 20 Author:Emo Philips
“I try not to talk during the day when I have a show that night. My voice is my instrument, just like a saxophonist's instrument is his saxophone, plus also his voice, if he's the one between tunes that makes announcements.” IfsTryingShowsNightVoiceInstrumentsTunesPlusSaxophoneAnnouncements Author:Emo Philips
“The other night, the president gave a speech. He said, "children are our most prescious natural resource". I thought, "let's hope it never comes to that".” ChildrenSaidNightPresidentNaturalSpeechResourcesNatural Resources Author:Emo Philips
“I used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, "I am a bulemic".” UsedNightDrunkEvery Night Author:Emo Philips
“I read that nine out of 10 women fantasize about having an unknown man leap through their bedroom window at night and make mad, passionate love to them. Who would think with those odds, I would now be facing 150 hours of community service.” ThinkingMenNightCommunityHoursWindowMadPassionateNineLeapOddsBedroomPassionate LoveCommunity Service Author:Emo Philips
“Everyone, everywhere, and all the time, used to laugh at me when I was growing up. So, when I was around 18, I thought, 'I'll become a comedian, and then if everyone laughs at me, I'll be famous.' So I went on stage one night and, for the first time in my life, everyone stopped laughing at me.” IfsFirstsUsedNightLaughingGrowing UpGrowingStageFirst TimeComedianOne Night Author:Emo Philips
“When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.” WayGodHumorKidsFunnyDeathUsedNightPrayerLordAtheismPrayingForgivenessForgivingAtheistStealingComedianSarcasmCyclesSarcasticEvery NightBikeTouringRealisedBicycleCyclingForgive MeWhat Is ForgivenessBeing A KidAnti ReligionFunny JokesFunny ReligiousGreatest AtheistTandemAsking GodTandem BikesLord Forgive MeTandem BicyclesGod Forgive Me Author:Emo Philips
“I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.” LifeHumorFunnyNightSleepComedyThanksNight TimeNights Alone Author:Emo Philips
“I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.” TryingNightComedyLuckyBarsGumHopping Author:Emo Philips
“I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.” WayHumorFunnyNightGirlComedyConsciousToesSeductionRespondingSkillfulTagCaressThis Girl Author:Emo Philips
“I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo. In morse code.” LittlesHomeNightGuyWalkingCodeRoofOne NightParanoidWeirdoMorse CodeWalking Home Author:Emo Philips
