“I think it's good to know more than the average guy. If I'm in a bar now and some pretty girl is talking to some handsome 24-year-old man, I'll say, "Okay, who's the emperor after Caligula? What chief mistake did Marcus Aurelius make in choosing a successor?" He'll just look like an idiot. She'll just gravitate toward me, I'm thinking. It works in Detroit.” IfsThinkingKnowsMenYearsLooksGuyGirlMistakeTalkingOkayAverageBarsChiefsIdiotOld ManHandsomeEmperorDetroitPretty GirlSuccessors Author:Emo Philips
“The subconscious is like having a laboratory assistant who pretends to love you and help you, but after you go home to go to sleep it goes back into the lab and starts fumbling with the data and destroying it. It's a very tricky thing. People think our minds are us, but that's not true at all. The mind is not us.” PeopleThinkingMindHelpingHomeSleepLove YouDataDestroyingSubconsciousLaboratoryTrickyGoing To SleepAssistantsLabs Author:Emo Philips
“Computers aren't intelligent, they only think they are.” ThinkingComputerIntelligent Author:Emo Philips
“I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don't know what she charges him.” ThinkingKnowsEvilLessonsDevilGirlfriendExesEx Girlfriend Author:Emo Philips
“They have a sign at the beach, "no glass bottles". I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like underachievers.” ThinkingFeelsGlassesBeachSandBottlesParticles Author:Emo Philips
“I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.” ThinkingHumansLooksHuman BeingsAnimalDogDressesMy DogFurTeddyMink Author:Emo Philips
“I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.” ThinkingWholeConceptsMonotheism Author:Emo Philips
“I used to think I knew everything, but older you get the more you see other areas. If you could read everything about both sides, you'll pretty much be in the middle again, which is the state you had when you were totally ignorant. So my theory is if you maintain total ignorance - which isn't easy, but I try - you'll be just as far ahead as if you'd spent days and days reading about the whole issue. And you have that much extra time to play Pac-man.” IfsThinkingMenTryingStatesPlayWholeUsedReadingEasySidesIssuesMiddleIgnoranceTheoryAreasIgnorantExtrasBoth SidesPacsExtra Time Author:Emo Philips
“I read that nine out of 10 women fantasize about having an unknown man leap through their bedroom window at night and make mad, passionate love to them. Who would think with those odds, I would now be facing 150 hours of community service.” ThinkingMenNightCommunityHoursWindowMadPassionateNineLeapOddsBedroomPassionate LoveCommunity Service Author:Emo Philips
“There's a joke in everything, the trick is finding it. The best compliment a joke can get is what Huxley said about Darwin's theory of evolution - 'Why didn't I think of that?'” ThinkingSaidTheoryEvolutionFindingsJokesTricksComplimentTheory Of EvolutionHuxley Author:Emo Philips
“Thinking up jokes is easy. The hard part is trying them out on stage, because you never know if they're funny until you get there. Not one comedian in the world ever really knows.” IfsThinkingKnowsWorldTryingHardEasyStageJokesComedian Author:Emo Philips
“I think of my body as a temple. Or at least a relatively well-managed Presbyterian youth center.” ThinkingWellsBodyYouthTemplesPresbyterians Author:Emo Philips
“I think of people as members of an audience. But an audience acts independently of every individual. It's an organism on its own. I focus on that living hydra in the dark.” PeopleThinkingIndividualDarkAudienceFocusMembersOrganismsHydra Author:Emo Philips
“I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.” ThinkingLooksHandsPurposeBlackWifeDoorsCarSexyMy WifeFingernails Author:Emo Philips
“I'm totally normal in every respect, but I have this one quirk - I can't give out a number without laughing. It's a problem when I'm giving my credit card number over the phone because they always think: 'He must have just stolen it.'” ThinkingGivingI CanProblemNumbersLaughingNormalPhonesCreditCardsStolenCredit CardQuirks Author:Emo Philips
“I love my family. I came home the other days. My brother's passed-out on the couch, holding an empty bottle of sleeping pills. So I called the paramedics, and they pumped his stomach, and I think he's learned his lesson: you know, never to take my last two sleeping pills.” ThinkingKnowsTwoHomeLastsSleepFamilyBrotherLessonsMy FamilyEmptyMy BrotherBottlesStomachPillsCouchesLove My FamilyI Love My FamilyParamedicsSleeping PillsEmpty Bottles Author:Emo Philips
“I was at the Wal-Mart, which is where I think everybody goes eventually. If they die without Christ.” IfsThinkingDiesChrist Author:Emo Philips
“I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.” ThinkingBodyHumorFunnyUsedRealizingBrainWonderfulHumourHumorousI RealizedComedianIronyOrgansRealised Author:Emo Philips
“I pray a simple prayer every morning. It's an ecumenical prayer. Whether you're Catholic or Jewish or Muslim or Hindu, I think it speaks to the heart of every faith. It goes “Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.”” ThinkingHeartLawUniverseSpeakPrayerSimpleLordBreakMorningPrayingPleaseCatholicEvery MorningI PrayConvenienceAmen Author:Emo Philips
