“I used to buy lottery tickets every week until I realised you could watch it on TV for nothing.”
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Famous Jimmy Carr Quotes
“A surprising amount of my jokes sound very implausible but are true.”
“I am trying to release endorphins here. I am not preaching to you - I am trying to make you laugh.”
“I do realise that when I laugh, it sounds like a seal is being molested.”
“Boxers don't have sex before a fight. Do you know why that is? They don't fancy each other.”
“I did a gig in the U.S. once for the homeless. I said 'It's nice to see so many bums on seats.'”
“My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said "Alright, fatty."”
“I'm not worried about the Third World War. That's the Third World's Problem.”
“My father always used to say, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger," - 'til the accident.”
“No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea... you never get that tea.”
Source: Only Joking: What's So Funny About Making People Laugh?
Source: Only Joking: What's So Funny About Making People Laugh?
“I worry about my nan. If she's alone and falls, does she make a noise? I'm joking, she's dead.”
“More people are going out to comedy shows than they were before.”
“Women were quite terrifying until I was older. I think that's partly down to confidence.”
“You never want to be the grumpy guy, although I do have quite a grumpy face.”
“There's things that I couldn't joke about but other people could.”