“When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.” WayGodHumorKidsFunnyDeathUsedNightPrayerLordAtheismPrayingForgivenessForgivingAtheistStealingComedianSarcasmCyclesSarcasticEvery NightBikeTouringRealisedBicycleCyclingForgive MeWhat Is ForgivenessBeing A KidAnti ReligionFunny JokesFunny ReligiousGreatest AtheistTandemAsking GodTandem BikesLord Forgive MeTandem BicyclesGod Forgive Me Author:Emo Philips
“How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.” PeopleInspirationalHandsFunnyComedyLaughterHumorousRaisesWitty Author:Emo Philips
“My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.” HumorComputerBeatsWittyKickboxingCheckers Author:Emo Philips
“I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.” KidsFunnyNextFriendshipDoorsWittyImaginaryFunny LifeFunny FriendImaginary Friend Author:Emo Philips
“You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.” LittlesHumorRealitySchoolFunnyStuffMoneyPayMiddleAppreciateSexyLittle ThingsMiddle AgedGood MoneyFirst Day Of School Author:Emo Philips
“Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.” LittlesHumorFunnyComedyBeatsDressesWarmNaziCostumesSquashHalloween Costume Author:Emo Philips
“Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.” HumorFunnySexMorningComedyHard WorkEncouragementLeatherChewingChewing Gum Author:Emo Philips
“At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.” GivingFirstsHumorFunnyUsedFiveComedyDollarsGlassesAntidoteLemonadeRefills Author:Emo Philips
“I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.” HumorFunnyLostComedyGayFollowingAlleyways Author:Emo Philips
“Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.” PersonsLife IsWorstMembersDevilGood DayFamily MembersWorst Times Author:Emo Philips