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Funny Thanksgiving Quotes

Browse 72 quotes about Funny Thanksgiving.

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Funny Thanksgiving Quotes

“I give thanks to my Creator for this wonderful life where each of us has the opportunity to learn lessons we could not fully comprehend by any other means.”

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Author:Joseph B. Wirthlin
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“Coexistence: what the farmer does with the turkey - until Thanksgiving.”

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Author:Mike Connolly
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“Proper turkey preparation is critical. According to the U.S. Department of Agriculture, more Americans die every year from eating improperly cooked turkey than were killed in the entire Peloponnesian War. This is because turkey can contain salmonella, which are tiny bacteria that, if they get in your bloodstream, develop into full-grown salmon, which could come leaping out of your mouth during an important business presentation.”

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Author:Dave Barry
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“It was dramatic to watch my grandmother decapitate a turkey with an ax the day before Thanksgiving. Nowadays the expense of hiring grandmothers for the ax work would probably qualify all turkeys so honored with gourmet status.”

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Author:Russell Baker
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“Thanksgiving is so called because we are all so thankful that it only comes once a year.”

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Author:P. J. O'Rourke
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“I have strong doubts that the first Thanksgiving even remotely resembled the 'history' I was told in second grade. But considering that (when it comes to holidays) mainstream America's traditions tend to be over-eating, shopping, or getting drunk, I suppose it's a miracle that the concept of giving thanks even surfaces at all.”

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Author:Ellen Orleans
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“You know that just before that first Thanksgiving dinner there was one wise, old Native American woman saying, Don't feed them. If you feed them, they'll never leave.”

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Author:Dylan Brody
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“May your stuffing be tasty May your turkey plump, May your potatoes and gravy Have nary a lump. May your yams be delicious And your pies take the prize, And may your Thanksgiving dinner Stay off your thighs!”

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Author:Grandpa Jones
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“Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie.”

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Book:Garfield Eats His Heart Out: His 6th Book
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“My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.”

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Author:Phyllis Diller
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“Gratitude can transform common days into thanksgivings.”

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Author:William Arthur Ward
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“All across America, we gather this week with the people we love to give thanks to God for the blessings in our lives.”

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Author:George W. Bush
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