“Don't argue! You cannot win, you cannot beat a woman in a arguement. It's impossble you will not win. Cause men, we are handicapped when it comes to arguing cause we have a need to make sense” MenNeedsHumorFunnyWinningCausesBeatsArguingMake SenseHandicapped Author:Chris Rock
“Here's to alcohol: the cause of, and answer to, all of life's problems.” ProblemHumorCausesAnswersFoodAlcoholDrinking AlcoholBeer DrinkingFunny AlcoholAlcohol DrinkingAlcohol And LifeDrinking Problem Author:Matt Groening
“Despite a lifetime of service to the cause of sexual liberation, I have never caught venereal disease, which makes me feel rather like an Arctic explorer who has never had frostbite.” FeelsHumorFunnySexCausesDiseaseLifetimeCaughtDespiteLiberationExplorersArctic Author:Germaine Greer
“I got a safe full of cherries 'cause I pop it and lock it.” HumorFunnyCausesSafePopsLocksCherries Author:Bo Burnham
“My whole family thinks I'm gay, I guess it's always been that way. Maybe it's 'cause of the way that I walk, Makes them think I like... boys.” ThinkingWayWholeHumorFunnyCausesWalksBoysGayWhole FamilyLike A Boy Author:Bo Burnham
“I miss the $2 bill, 'cause I can break a two. $20, no. $10, no. $5, maybe, $2? Oh yeah. What do you need, a one and another one?” NeedsI CanTwoHumorFunnyCausesBreakMissingYeahBills Author:Mitch Hedberg
“I got binoculars 'cause I don't want to go that close.” WantHumorFunnyCausesBinoculars Author:Mitch Hedberg
“All you crazy white people "I'm American!", all you did was come out of your mother's pussy on American soil. That's it. That's it! What, you think you're better than somebody from France 'cause you came out of a pussy in Detroit?” PeopleThinkingHumorFunnyMotherCausesWhiteCrazyFranceSoilDetroitPussy Author:Chris Rock
“So if you're black or brown, you can make money in America, you can get rich in America... but whatever you decide to do, it better be positive, 'cause if one person is harmed, you will be destroyed. You see Oprah, she just be giving away money. She's doing that to keep the Feds off her back.” IfsGivingPersonsHumorFunnyAmericaCausesBlackRichDestroyedMaking MoneyBrownFedsGet RichBeing Positive Author:Chris Rock
“I'm sorry, was that homophobic? No--I think it was, 'cause I hear that a lot. Dave, What?, You're talking about being gay. You probably secretly are gay. And I'm like listen voice in my head, I'm not! HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU WOULDN'T LIKE IT? HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU WOULDN'T LIKE IT? I know I wouldn't like it, other scarier voice in my head! 'Cause one time while making a sandwich, a cucumber went up my ass. Three times.” ThinkingKnowsHumorFunnyThreeCausesVoiceTalkingGaySorryAssDo You KnowOne TimeI'm SorryThree TimesSandwichesDaveBeing GayHomophobicCucumbersVoices In My Head Author:Dave Attell
“When someone asks you the question 'Are you ticklish' it doesn't matter if you say yes or no, cause they're going to touch you. If someone asks if you're ticklish and you don't want to be touched you should something like 'I have diarrhea, now don't touch me cause you'll make it come out... and yes I'm very ticklish'.” IfsWantShouldMatterHumorFunnyAsksCausesTouchedTouch MeYes Or NoDiarrheaTicklish Author:Demetri Martin
“Whenever you go out to eat you gotta get the appetizer. 'Cause the appetizer's just an excuse for an extra meal. You're always like "Lets see, I will start with the 80 buffalo wings...and do you have a low-cal blue cheese? 'Cause I don't wanna fill up too much."” HumorFunnyCausesToo MuchLowsBlueWingsExcuseMealsExtrasCheeseBuffaloAppetizersToo Much FunBlue Cheese Author:Jim Gaffigan
“I woke up my pop in the middle of the night 'cause the boogie man's under my bed. My pop is this big, huge man, nothing can hurt him. I went running into his bedroom like, 'Daddy, Daddy, the boogie man's under the bed!' Pop opens one eye, he's like, 'Is the boogie man bigger than me?' 'Well, no Daddy, he's not.' 'Well, you got your choice: you can deal with the boogie man or you can deal with me.'” MenWellsHumorBigsEyeRunningFunnyNightChoicesCausesHurtDealsMiddleHugeBedBiggerPopsBedroomDaddyMiddle Of The NightBoogie Author:Adam Ferrara
“She got really mad a month ago, because she had e-mailed me a naked picture of herself - which is a nice thing to do - but then I messed up, and I accidentally forwarded that e-mail to both of my parents. Now, my girlfriend is furious, mortified, but I don't even care, 'cause now I have to call up my mother and say 'Mom, I am so sorry - that picture was just for dad.'” HumorCareFunnyMotherCausesParentNiceMomMonthsDadMadSorryNakedThings To DoGirlfriendMailMy GirlfriendNice ThingsFuriousMessed UpI Am So Sorry Author:Anthony Jeselnik
“That's why they're man's best friend. 'Cause guys want buddies that are dumber than they are. So do women, but they've already got men” MenWantHumorFunnyGuyCausesBuddy Author:Bill Engvall
“I saw a guy wearing a "What Would Jesus Do?" bracelet and a Lance Armstrong bracelet, and he went up to this blind kid and rubbed his eyes, and the kid could see. But he wasn't used to the light, 'cause it was bright, and he walked into traffic and was killed instantly. Okay, the people that are laughing right now? I'm gonna call you guys half-full. Because you're focusing on the important part of the story: the bracelets are working.” PeopleImportantStoriesHumorLightEyeKidsFunnyUsedGuyJesusCausesHalfLaughingSawsRight NowOkayBlindHis EyesTrafficArmstrongHalf FullBracelet Author:Daniel Tosh
“I read recently that women still make 30% less than men in the workplace. Which I think is fine, cause if we didn't make 30% more, you guys would marry each other.” IfsThinkingMenStillsHumorFunnyGuyCausesFineWorkplace Author:Mike Birbiglia
“Have you heard his new song? 'Cause he thinks he's a black man now.” ThinkingMenHumorFunnySongCausesBlackHeardNew Songs Author:Natasha Leggero