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Humor Quotes

Browse 16077 quotes about Humor.

Humor Quotes

“After I told my wife that black underwear turned me on, she didn't wash my Y-fronts for a month.”

Humor Funny Black Wife Fronts Months My Wife Underwear

Author:Chic Murray

“The students at Yale came from all different backgrounds and all parts of the country. Within months, I knew many of them.”

Different Country Humor Political Students Months Backgrounds Political Humor Yale Different Backgrounds

Author:George W. Bush

“I don't think I'll ever meet the perfect woman. I might have to get me one of them mail order women. You can do that: you send away to the Philippines, and they send you a wife. The only thing is, once you're on their mailing list, they keep sending you a relative a month whether you want it or not.”

Thinking Want Humor Might Funny Order Can Do Perfect Wife Months Dating Lists Relative Mail Philippines Perfect Woman Mailing Funny Dating

Author:Adam Ferrara

“In Milwaukee last month a man died laughing over one of his own jokes. That's what makes it so tough for us outsiders. We have to fight home competition.”

Men Home Humor Funny Lasts Fighting Laughing Months Jokes Tough Died Competition Outsiders Milwaukee

Book:The Benchley Roundup

Source: The Benchley Roundup

“I think we should only get 3 honks a month on the car horn. Then, someone cuts you off, you press the horn, and nothing happens. You're like, "Crap! I wish I hadn't seen Ricky on the sidewalk!"”

Thinking Should Humor Happens Funny Wish Cutting Car Months Presses Things Happen Crap Horns Sidewalk

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.”

Humor Funny Found Stuff Months Six Machines Cancer Bags Rays Airports

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“Instead of having a baby, why dont you get a tattoo of a baby first, and see how that works out for six months to a year, and then see if you're ready to have a baby.”

Ifs Years Firsts Humor Funny Ready Baby Months Six Work Out Tattoo Six Months Having A Baby

Author:Chelsea Handler

“Did you ever notice they never take any fat hostages? You never see a guy coming out of Lebanon going: "I was held hostage for seven months and I lost 175 pounds, I feel good and I look good and I learned self-discipline. That's the important thing."”

Feels Looks Important Self Humor Funny Guy Lost Months Discipline Important Things Seven Fats Feel Good Pounds Coming Out Self Discipline Hostage Lebanon I Feel Good Seven Months

Author:Denis Leary

“About a month before he died, my grandfather, we covered his back full of lard - after that he went downhill very quickly.”

Humor Funny Months Died Covered Grandfather My Grandfather Lard

Author:Milton Jones

“A girl asks her doctor, "Doctor, I've forgotten to take my contradictory pill!" The doctor says: "Are you ignorant?" The girl says: "Yes, three months!"”

Humor Funny Girl Three Asks Months Doctors Forgotten Ignorant Pills Contradictory Three Months

Author:Frank Carson

“Did you know you can have an Irish abortion, but there is a 12 month waiting list?”

Knows Humor Funny Waiting Months Lists Abortion Did You Know

Author:Frank Carson

“I tell ya, I don't get no respect ... Last week, my wife told me that she was going to cut me down to twice a month. But I thought about it, and I figured that it wasn't too bad. I know a couple of guys that she cut out completely.”

Knows Humor Funny Lasts Guy Cutting Wife Week Months Couple My Wife No Respect

Author:Rodney Dangerfield

“I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.”

Years Humor Funny Next Months Sauce

Author:Tommy Cooper

“A recent study announced that 52 per cent of all teens who sign virginity pledges recant them within twelve months. If I'm on my game.”

Ifs Humor Funny Games Study Months Twelve Cents Teens Pledge Virginity

Author:Tina Fey

“I'm really just trying to hash out the next two weeks of my life. So, something that is potentially four months down the road is not just a mile down the road for me, it's a million miles down the road.”

Trying Two Humor Funny Next Millions Four Week Months Miles Two Weeks Down The Road Hash

Author:Adam Carolla

“She got really mad a month ago, because she had e-mailed me a naked picture of herself - which is a nice thing to do - but then I messed up, and I accidentally forwarded that e-mail to both of my parents. Now, my girlfriend is furious, mortified, but I don't even care, 'cause now I have to call up my mother and say 'Mom, I am so sorry - that picture was just for dad.'”

Humor Care Funny Mother Causes Parent Nice Mom Months Dad Mad Sorry Naked Things To Do Girlfriend Mail My Girlfriend Nice Things Furious Messed Up I Am So Sorry

Author:Anthony Jeselnik

“A couple of months ago, I gave my girlfriend some fancy lingerie, and she actually got mad at me. She said, 'Anthony, I think this is more of a gift for you than it is for me.' And I said, 'If you want to get technical, it was originally a gift for my last girlfriend.'”

Ifs Thinking Want Said Humor Funny Lasts Months Couple Mad Girlfriend Fancy My Girlfriend Lingerie

Author:Anthony Jeselnik

“My wife was fitted with a coil. For about 18 months I hated it! She used to pick up CB signals.”

Humor Funny Used Wife Months Picks My Wife Hated Signals

Author:Bob Monkhouse

“George: Why've you had a grudge against your brother for 15 years? Benny: We Lopezes are a proud people... George: You have a birthday lunch at Denny's every month. We're not that proud!”

People Years Humor Funny Brother Months Proud Lunch Grudge Your Brother

Author:George Lopez

“A guy wanted the vet to cut his dog's tail off. The vet asked why. Well, my mother in law is visiting next month and I want to eliminate any possible indication that she is welcome.”

Want Wells Humor Wanted Law Mother Guy Next Cutting Dog Months Welcome Tails In-laws Indication Visiting Mother In Law Vets

Author:Karel Capek