Best humor & names Quotes | Short & Famous Sayings

“President Bush gave a rousing speech to the United Nations General Assembly. Afterward, in a touching show of support, every foreign dignitary shook hands with the president and smiled warmly as he mispronounced their names.”

Shows Humor Hands Funny Names Nations President United Support Speech Touching United Nations President Bush Assembly General Assembly

Author:Tina Fey

“The Democrats are going to change the name of the Hoover Dam. That is the silliest thing I ever heard of in politics . . . Lord if they feel that way about it, I don't see why they don't just reverse the two words.”

Ifs Way Feels Two Humor Funny Names Party Lord Heard Republican Humorous Democrat Reverse Dams Hoover Hoover Dam

Book:Will Rogers Speaks: Over 1,000 Timeless Quotations for Public Speakers (writers, Politicians, Comedians, Browsers ...)

Source: Will Rogers Speaks: Over 1,000 Timeless Quotations for Public Speakers (writers, Politicians, Comedians, Browsers ...)

“While it may not heighten our sympathy, wit widens our horizons by its flashes, revealing remote hidden affiliations and drawing laughter from far afield; humor, in contrast, strikes up fellow feeling, and though it does not leap so much across time and space, enriches our insight into the universal in familiar things, lending it a local habitation and a name.”

“A lot of bands have intense names, like "Rigor Mortis" or "Mortuary". We weren't that intense, we called ourselves "Injured". Later on we changed it to "Acapella" when we were walking out of the pawn shop.”

Humor Funny Names Changed Walking Band Intense Shops Injured Pawns Rigor Walking Out Rigor Mortis Mortuary Pawn Shops

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“My girlfriend is named Lynn. She spells her name "Lynn". My old girlfriend's name is Lyn, too, but she spells it "Lyn". Every now and then I screw up, I call my new girlfriend by my old girlfriend's name, and she can tell because I don't say "n" as long.”

Long Humor Funny Names Girlfriend Spells Now And Then Screws My Girlfriend Screw Ups New Girlfriend Old Girlfriend

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“You know when you go into a restaurant, and it gets busy and they start a waiting list, and they start calling out names, "DuFresnes, party of two." They say again, "DuFresnes, party of two." But then if no one answers, they'll just go to the next name, "Bush, party of three." Yeah, but what happened to the DuFresnes? No one seems to care. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing! And they're hungry! That's a double whammy! "Bush, search party of three!" You can eat once you find the DuFresnes!”

People Ifs Knows Two Humor Seems Care Funny Three Next Names Waiting Answers Party Happened Missing Calling Yeah Busy Lists Hungry Restaurants

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“The Kit Kat candy bar has the name Kit Kat imprinted into the chocolate. That robs you of chocolate! That's a clever chocolate-saving technique.”

Humor Funny Names Technique Clever Bars Saving Chocolate Candy Candy Bar

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I have a cheese-shredder at home, which is its positive name. They don't call it by its negative name, which is sponge-ruiner. Because I wanted to clean it, but now I have little bits of sponge that would melt easily over tortilla chips.”

Littles Home Humor Wanted Funny Names Bits Little Bit Negative Clean Cheese Chips Sponges Tortillas

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names.”

Thinking Men Humor Funny Guy Names Nice Lists Contact Nice Guy

Author:Rita Rudner

“It used to be cars had cool names: Dart, Hawk, Fury, Cougar, Firebird, Hornet, Mustang, Barracuda. Now we have Elantra, Altima, Acura, Lumina, Sentra, Corolla, Maxima, Tercel. Further proof that America has lost its edge.”

Humor Funny America Used Names Lost Car Edges Proof Used To Be Fury Hawks Mustang Cougars Hornets

Author:George Carlin

“The mark of a good party is that you wake up the next morning wanting to change your name and start a new life in a different city.”

Different Humor Funny Next Names Party Cities Morning Mark Wake Up New Life Good Party

Author:Vance Bourjaily

“I love it when mothers get so mad they can't remember your name. "Come here, Roy, er, Rupert, er, Rutabaga... what is your name, boy? And don't lie to me, because you live here, and I'll find out who you are."”

Humor Funny Remember Lying Mother Names Boys Mad Who You Are Don't Lie Lie To Me Don't Lie To Me

Author:Bill Cosby

“When they were naming vitamins they must have thought there were going to be way more vitamins than there ended up being. OK let's name these: Vitamin A, Vitamin B... ok man slow down we've got a lot to cover here. B2, B3, B4, B5, B6, B12. Then they got to E and they were like 'We're pretty much done. We've got all those damn B's. This is embarrassing. Let's just skip to K and get the hell out of here.”

Men Way Done Humor Funny Names Hell Damn Embarrassing Slow Down Skip Vitamins

Author:Demetri Martin

“I met this gangster who pulls up people's pants. Name's Wedgie Kray.”

People Humor Funny Names Mets Pants Gangsters Pull Ups

Author:Tim Vine

“So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.”

I Can Humor Today Funny Remember Names Mets Blokes Crosswords

Author:Tim Vine

“You know how Mexican restaurants always have "border" in the name: Border Grill, Border Cafe. You wouldn't do that to black people: Kunta's Kitchen or Shackles. They don't do it to white people. You don't see the Honkey Grill, the Cracker Barrel... oh, nevermind.”

People Knows Humor Funny Names Black White Know How Borders Kitchen Restaurants Black People Mexican Barrels Shackles Cafes Crackers Nevermind

Author:George Lopez

“My name is "A Pimp named Slickback" Wait... A Pimp?? ... Named Slickback. Yes, please say the whole thing if you would. Yes, that includs the "A Pimp Named" part. Yes Tom, everytime.”

Ifs Whole Humor Funny Names Waiting Please Toms Pimp

Author:Katt Williams

“Mel: What was your name again? Rain: Rain. Mel: Oh that's nice. Kind of like bad weather.”

Kind Humor Funny Names Nice Rain Weather Bad Weather

Author:Kristen Schaal

“It was a hard name having growing up as a child. Some kids would call me names like "Birbiglebug" and "Birbibliography" and "Faggot". Some were more clever than others.”

Children Hard Humor Kids Funny Names Growing Up Growing Clever Call Me

Author:Mike Birbiglia

“I'm going to name drop like an idiot now, but Bono rang me up once, right? I don't know how he got my number, but I, ever so stupidly, and obviously thought it was one of my mates mocking about. So I was like, "Yeah, whatever." And it was him, but I even went to him, "That's not even a good Irish accent!"”

Knows Humor Funny Names Numbers Know How Yeah Idiot Mates Accents Irish Accent

Author:Noel Fielding

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