Best humor & whole Quotes | Short & Famous Sayings

“I've been to all 50 states, and traveled this whole country, and 90 percent of the people are good folks. The rest of them take after the other side of the family.”

People Country States Whole Humor Funny America Sides Comedy Percent Folks Traveled

Author:Jeff Foxworthy

“Whole phases of comedy have become empty; the comic rejoinder has become every man's tool.”

Men Whole Humor Comedy Tools Empty Every Man Comic Phases

Author:Constance Rourke

“Take the life issue. This issue requires a president and an administration leading our nation to understand the importance of life. This whole faith-based initiative really ties into a larger cultural issue that we're working on. It begins to affect the life issue, as well as the human dignity issue, because when you're talking about welcoming people of faith to help people who are disadvantaged and are unable to defend themselves, the logical step is also those babies.”

“We've got a cultural issue in America. We've got to change the whole way the issue is looked at. That's the mission. Some in the political process don't have enough patience for that, and I probably don't either.”

Way Enough Whole Humor America Political Process Issues Missions Political Humor Cultural Issues

Author:George W. Bush

“At Poltersberg, there is a lake similarly cursed. If you throw a stone into it, a dreadful storm immediately arises, and the whole neighboring district quakes to its centre. 'Tis the devils kept prisoner there.”

Ifs Whole Humor Religious Devil Stones Storm Arise Lakes Prisoner Centre Cursed Quake

Book:The Life of Luther Written by Himself

Source: The Life of Luther Written by Himself

“All my wife has ever taken from the Mediterranean - from that whole vast intuitive culture - are four bottles of Chianti to make into lamps, and two china condiment donkeys labelled Sally and Peppy.”

Two Whole Humor Funny Culture Taken Four Wife China My Wife Bottles Lamps Intuitive Donkey Condiments Chianti

Author:Peter Shaffer

“My whole family thinks I'm gay, I guess it's always been that way. Maybe it's 'cause of the way that I walk, Makes them think I like... boys.”

Thinking Way Whole Humor Funny Causes Walks Boys Gay Whole Family Like A Boy

Author:Bo Burnham

“I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.”

Whole Humor Funny Together Comedy Jokes Bunch Let It Go Microphones Cords

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I went to the Home Depot, which was unnecessary. I need to go to the Apartment Depot. Which is just a big warehouse with a whole lot of people standing around saying "We don't have to fix anything."”

People Needs Whole Home Humor Bigs Funny Standing Apartment Unnecessary Warehouse

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“You remind me of the Siberian hunting spider, which adopts a highly convincing limp in three of its eight legs in order to attract its main prey, the so-called Samaritan squirrel, which takes pity on the spider, and then the spider jumps on it and injects the paralyzing venom, while the squirrel remains bafflingly philosophical about the whole thing. Not to be confused with the Ukrainian hunting spider, which actually has got a limp and is, as such, completely harmless, and a little bit bitter about the whole thing.”

Littles Whole Humor Funny Order Three Bits Little Bit Philosophical Remains Legs Eight Pity Bitter Confused Hunting Spiders Prey Convincing Squirrels Venom Ukrainian Samaritans

Author:Bill Bailey

“Do you know what the good side of crack is? If you're up at the right hour, you can get a VCR for $1.50. You can furnish your whole house for $10.95.”

Ifs Knows Whole Humor Funny House Sides Hours Cracks Do You Know Vcr

Author:Chris Rock

“I do believe that on a whole, women are definitely smarter than men... I also believe that dogs are smarter than women. No? That one, you don't believe it? You believe that I didn't do a series of tests? You are right to not believe it, because I'm going to go ahead and admit that I do not believe what I just said, it was what's described as a 'joke.' Um, I'll be telling a bunch of them here tonight.”

Men Believe Said Whole Humor Funny Dog Jokes Tests Series Don't Believe Bunch Tonight Smarter

Author:David Cross

“Sometimes I wonder what my grandfather would think of what I do, he spent his whole life in the kebab business, was buried with all his equipment, probably turning in his grave.”

Thinking Sometimes Whole Humor Funny Wonder Whole Life Graves Buried Grandfather Equipment My Grandfather Sometimes I Wonder Kebabs

Author:Milton Jones

“What was wrong with train toilet doors that just locked, instead of this multiple choice system? If anything goes wrong, you'll be sitting there while the whole toilet wall slowly slides away, unveiling you like a prize on a quiz show. For 500 points, a shitting woman!”

Ifs Whole Shows Humor Funny Choices Doors Wall Sitting Train Prize Locked Multiple Toilets Slides Anything Goes Quiz Multiple Choice Unveiling Quiz Show

Author:Frankie Boyle

“There's this whole post-modern, nuevo beatnik, retro-bohemian thing going on, you know what I mean? You walk into some coffee shops, and it feels like you're an ex-patriot in Paris in the 20s. You're like, 'Hey, isn't that a young Ernest Hemingway over there? Yeah, I think it is! Hey, let's go have a look and see what he's writing... It's a Gap application.'”

Thinking Knows Feels Writing Looks Mean Whole Humor Funny Young Walks Modern Like You Yeah Coffee Hey Posts Paris Shops Gaps Application Patriot Exes Bohemian Coffee Shop Retro Beatnik

Author:Marc Maron

“I don't like the whole blowing the candles out ritual... blowing their germs all over the cake. If I want to catch something on my birthday. I don't want it to be from the cake. If you know what I'm saying.”

Ifs Knows Want Whole Humor Funny Ritual Cake Candle Germs My Birthday

Author:Craig Ferguson

“I'm going to be cremated from the neck down. And at my funeral, when people are talking about me, they have to hold my head. And then at the end, they have to kick me into the audience and the audience has to keep me up for at least three hits or you have to start the whole service over. No cradling it - I want legit sets.”

People Want Ends Whole Humor Funny Three Talking Audience Down And Kicks Necks Funeral Talking About Me Legit

Author:Daniel Tosh

“My name is "A Pimp named Slickback" Wait... A Pimp?? ... Named Slickback. Yes, please say the whole thing if you would. Yes, that includs the "A Pimp Named" part. Yes Tom, everytime.”

Ifs Whole Humor Funny Names Waiting Please Toms Pimp

Author:Katt Williams

“I just went home to Illinois, and I asked my family, 'Are you guys planning on talking in those accents the whole time I'm home?' And my mother said, 'You used to talk like that, too, Tasha.' And I said, 'Yes, but you see, I've reinvented myself. Do you have any idea who I think I am?'”

Thinking Said Ideas Whole Home Humor Funny Used Mother Guy Talking My Family Planning Accents Illinois

Author:Natasha Leggero

“At Epcot Center the Disney corporation has focused its attention on two things greatly in need of Disneyfication: the tedious future and the annoying whole wide world.”

World Needs Two Whole Humor Funny Attention Wide Focused Corporations Two Things Annoying Tedious Epcot

Book:Holidays in Hell

Source: Holidays in Hell

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