“Jeb Bush admitted that he smoked a notable amount of pot in school. He said, 'You would too if your parents had named you 'Jeb.'” IfsSaidSchoolParentAmountPotNotable Author:Conan O'Brien
“In a speech today, President Obama said that Michelle Obama is very strong and talented and she frequently tells him that he is wrong. As a result, Michelle Obama is now the Republican front-runner for 2016.” SaidTodayStrongPresidentResultsFrontsRepublicanSpeechPresident ObamaVery StrongRunners Author:Conan O'Brien
“President Obama said the small drone that flew over the White House fence yesterday could be bought at any RadioShack. After hearing this, the RadioShack CEO said, 'I'm shocked to find out we still sell something people want.'” PeopleWantSaidStillsHousePresidentWhiteSellsHearingYesterdayWhite HousePresident ObamaCeoShockedFenceFlewDrones Author:Conan O'Brien
“The Northeast is being hit with a major snowstorm. Forecasters said they've haven't seen a whiteout like this since last week's Oscar nominations.” SaidLastsWeekHavensMajorsOscarsNominationsSnowstorms Author:Conan O'Brien
“Today in Sri Lanka, Pope Francis visited a Buddhist temple. When asked why, the Pope said, 'Just keeping my options open. It's a dicey job market. You never know.'” KnowsSaidTodayJobsBuddhistTemplesPopeSri Lanka Author:Conan O'Brien
“A Saudi Arabian prince has said that oil may never again rise above $100 a barrel. He said it's gotten so bad he can't afford to buy his wife her own car that she's not allowed to drive.” MaySaidWifeCarOilRise AboveSaudisBarrelsArabian Author:Conan O'Brien
“Sony has canceled the big Seth Rogen movie, 'The Interview.' North Koreans hacked their email so Sony said, 'Now we can't show anybody the movie.' I'm disappointed. I think this is the wrong thing to do. And I hear in the film Meryl Streep is great as Kim Jong Un.” ThinkingSaidShowsBigsFilmThings To DoInterviewsDisappointedEmailNorth KoreaWrong ThingsKoreanKimSonyHackedNorth Korean Author:Conan O'Brien
“The hackers who hacked into Sony have leaked the upcoming script for the new James Bond movie. Some of the executives said the news left them shaken but not stirred.” SaidLeftNewsScriptsExecutivesHackersSonyHackedBond MovieJames Bond Movie Author:Conan O'Brien
“A woman on a Southwest Airlines flight gave birth to a baby. As soon as he was born, the baby said, 'I had more leg room in the womb.'” SaidBornRoomsBabyBirthLegsFlightWombAirlineSouthwest Airlines Author:Conan O'Brien
“Scientists say they're getting closer to developing a pill to replace exercising. Americans heard this and said that it better come in cool ranch flavor.” SaidHeardExerciseScientistDevelopingFlavorPills Author:Conan O'Brien
“This week a group of activists, known as Anonymous, hacked the Twitter account of the KKK. The KKK is furious. They said Anonymous is just a bunch of cowards who don't have the courage to show their faces.” SaidShowsFacesKnownGroupsWeekAccountsBunchCowardActivistThey SaidFuriousHackedKkk Author:Conan O'Brien
“Yesterday the DEA raided several NFL teams suspected of giving prescription painkillers to their players. In its defense, the New York Jets' doctor said, 'We don't give painkillers to our players. We give them to our fans.'” GivingSaidPlayerTeamFansNew YorkDoctorsDefenseYesterdayNflJetPrescriptionsPainkillers Author:Conan O'Brien
“The Secret Service said there have been 40 fence-jumping incidents at the White House in the past five years. Half of them were intruders trying to get in. The other half was President Obama trying to get out.” TryingYearsHas BeensSaidPastHousePresidentWhiteSecretHalfFiveFive YearsWhite HousePresident ObamaFenceJumpingIncidentsOther HalfSecret ServiceIntruders Author:Conan O'Brien
“President Obama and Vladimir Putin are both in China attending the same economic summit. Obama saw Putin and said, 'After those midterms, it's nice to finally see a friendly face.'” SaidFacesPresidentSawsNiceEconomicChinaFriendlyPresident ObamaSummitPutinAttendingMidtermsFriendly Faces Author:Conan O'Brien
“Earlier today, we got a call from Stephen Hawking. He's a genius, and after 6,028 shows he ran the numbers and he said it works out to about eight minutes of laughter.” SaidShowsTodayNumbersMinutesGeniusLaughterWork OutEightRan Author:David Letterman
“When we started the show, there were mixed responses. Half of the people said, 'That show doesn't have a chance.' The other half said, 'That show doesn't have a prayer.'” PeopleSaidShowsChancePrayerHalfResponseOther Half Author:David Letterman
“By accident Jeb Bush announced that he was running for president. And then he said, 'No, not yet. OK, I made a mistake.' And then later in the day, by accident, he called Hillary and congratulated her.” MadeSaidRunningPresidentMistakeAccidentsMade A MistakeI Made A Mistake Author:David Letterman
“Mayor de Blasio said that whenever he goes to a Yankee game he gets sick and tired of people booing and giving him the finger. Hey, what do you want? You're the mayor of New York City. It comes with the gig, pal.” PeopleWantGivingSaidGamesCitiesNew YorkSickTiredFingersHeyNew York CityYankeesGigsMayorsPalsBooing Author:David Letterman
“Donald Trump may be running for president. He said he is sick and tired of the rest of the world laughing at the United States. Well, President Trump will certainly put an end to that.” WorldWellsMaySaidEndsStatesRunningPresidentUnitedUnited StatesLaughingTrumpSickTired Author:David Letterman
“They're talking about putting a woman on the $20 bill. And Hillary said, 'I'm available.'” SaidTalkingBillsAvailable Author:David Letterman
“Hillary Clinton is campaigning in Iowa, virtually going door to door to every home in Iowa. Jehovah's Witnesses finally got fed up and said, 'Get lost. Get out of here!'” SaidHomeLostDoorsClintonWitnessFedsJehovahFed UpIowaCampaigning Author:David Letterman
“It's tax season. When I woke this morning and realized it was tax season, I said, My God, didn't we just pay taxes last year?” YearsSaidLastsPayMorningTaxesSeasonsLast Year Author:David Letterman
“President Obama and his wife are going to Kenya. Donald Trump said, 'While you're there, pick up your birth certificate.'” SaidPresidentWifeTrumpBirthPicksPresident ObamaKenyaCertificatesBirth Certificate Author:David Letterman
“Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid says he will not seek re-election. Harry said he wants to spend more time with his family. As I always say, check with your family.” WantSaidLeaderElectionChecksOur FamilyMinoritiesMore TimeSenate Author:David Letterman
“President Obama's trying to work out a nuclear deal with Iran, and the Republicans are steamed. They got together and sent Iran a letter about the nuclear deal. They said if this doesn't work, by God, they're going to send Seth Rogen and James Franco.” IfsTryingSaidTogetherPresidentDealsRepublicanLettersWork OutNuclearIranPresident ObamaThey SaidFranco Author:David Letterman
“Mitt Romney is not going to run for president. Mitt said it's time for fresh faces. So that's good news for Bruce Jenner.” SaidRunningFacesPresidentNewsGood NewsRomney Author:David Letterman
“The Pope also said that while he's in town he would like to go see 'The Book of Mormon.'” SaidBookTownsPope Author:David Letterman
“Obama took a tour of the Great Wall of China and said, 'We need one of these things around the White House.'” NeedsSaidHouseWhiteWallChinaWhite HouseGreat WallGreat Wall Of China Author:David Letterman
“This morning my dad called me up and said, 'So, tonight's your last show, huh.' And I said, 'No, Dad, that's someone else.'” SaidShowsLastsMorningDadMy DadTonight Author:Jimmy Fallon
“President Obama finally has his own personal Twitter account. Even John McCain said, 'Welcome to the Internet, grandpa.'” SaidPresidentInternetAccountsWelcomePresident ObamaMccainGrandpa Author:Jimmy Fallon
“George W. Bush gave a commencement speech at Southern Methodist University this weekend. It was pretty inspirational. He said, 'As I like to tell the 'C' students, you too can be president.' Even George W. Bush has George W. Bush comedy material in his act.” SaidPresidentComedyStudentsMaterialsSpeechUniversitySouthernWeekendCommencementMethodistsCommencement Speech Author:Jimmy Fallon
“That's right, Mitt Romney took on Evander Holyfield in a boxing match for charity, and it was a pretty one-sided fight. But it was still not the worst boxing match we've seen this month. This weekend Vladimir Putin played in an exhibition hockey game with some former NHL players and scored eight goals. Even Evander Holyfield and Mitt Romney said, 'That looks fake.'” LooksSaidStillsFightingGamesGoalPlayerWorstMonthsCharityEightFormerFakeBoxingHockeyWeekendRomneyPutinNhlExhibitionsOne SidedBoxing Matches Author:Jimmy Fallon
“Ben Carson actually lost a tooth. Which explains why he said that under his leadership, Americans would be entitled to 'life, liberty, and the purthuit of happineth.'” SaidWould BeLostLibertyTeethEntitledBen Carson Author:Jimmy Fallon
“The White House encouraged Tom Brady to be more of a role model. They would've said more, but there was a drunken Secret Service agent streaking across the Rose Garden.” SaidHouseWhiteSecretRolesModelsGardenRoseAgentsWhite HouseRole ModelsTomsSecret ServiceBradyRose Garden Author:Jimmy Fallon
“In celebration of Mother's Day yesterday, President Obama called three moms who had written him letters. Then kids who made their mom a macaroni necklace said, 'Thanks, Obama.'” MadeSaidKidsMotherThreePresidentWrittenMomLettersYesterdayThanksPresident ObamaCelebrationMothers DayNecklacesMacaroni Author:Jimmy Fallon
“If you're going to do a Chris Christie joke, just say, 'Christie spent $82,000 at a concession stand at MetLife Stadium. Then he turned to his friends and said, 'You guys want anything?'' That's a joke. I can't believe it. I caved in. I feel awful.” IfsWantFeelsBelieveSaidI CanGuyJokesAwfulStadiumsConcessionsChristie Author:Jimmy Fallon
“People are being really picky about the upcoming election. I read that Americans do not want the next president to be a first-term senator, be over 65, or have a former president in the family. Then the Secret Service said, 'Hey, whoever slips through slips through. No promises.'” PeopleWantFirstsSaidNextPresidentTermSecretPromiseElectionHeyFormerSlipsBeing RealSenatorsPickySecret Service Author:Jimmy Fallon
“According to a new poll, 48 percent of Americans believe that Hillary Clinton is honest and trustworthy. Then Hillary said, 'Actually I just made that poll up.'” BelieveMadeSaidHonestPercentClintonPollsTrustworthy Author:Jimmy Fallon
“Hillary Clinton made a campaign stop in Las Vegas yesterday. She said she wants citizenship for undocumented immigrants. But after seeing Americans celebrate Cinco de Mayo yesterday, immigrants said, 'You know what, we're good. We're gonna head back now. We had enough.'” KnowsWantMadeSaidEnoughSeeingClintonCampaignsYesterdayCelebrateImmigrantsCitizenshipVegasLas VegasHad EnoughUndocumented ImmigrantsCinco De Mayo Author:Jimmy Fallon
“Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen attended a fundraiser for Hillary Clinton in New York City this week. Hillary told them, 'Good luck with the reboot of your '90s show.' And they said, 'Thanks. Good luck with yours.'” SaidShowsCitiesWeekNew YorkLuckClintonThanksNew York CityMaryThey SaidGood LuckKateFundraiserAshley Author:Jimmy Fallon
“Hillary Clinton wrote an Op-Ed for a paper in Iowa about her plans to help the middle class. Middle-class Americans said, 'Why didn't you just say that in a speech?' and she said, 'Because I charge $200,000 for a speech.'” SaidHelpingClassPlansMiddleSpeechPaperClintonMiddle ClassIowa Author:Jimmy Fallon
“During a recent press conference, former President Jimmy Carter said he could never run for president today because he doesn't have a lot of money. Well, that and the fact that he's the famously bad president Jimmy Carter.” WellsSaidFactsRunningTodayPresidentPressesFormerLots Of MoneyConferencesJimmyCarterPress ConferencesPresident Jimmy Carter Author:Jimmy Fallon
“Marco Rubio's presidential campaign has raised $40 million in the last week. When he heard that, Rubio said, 'Hey, any chance I can drop out of the race and just keep the 40 million?'” SaidI CanLastsChanceRaceMillionsHeardWeekRaisedCampaignsHeyPresidentialMarcosPresidential Campaign Author:Jimmy Fallon
“Tomorrow President Obama will host NASCAR racing champion Kevin Harvick at the White House. They both said they look forward to spending an hour or two not having the slightest interest in what the other is saying.” LooksSaidTwoHousePresidentInterestHoursWhiteTomorrowSpendingChampionWhite HouseRacingHostPresident ObamaKevinNascarNascar Racing Author:Jimmy Fallon
“There are reports that Kim Jong Un climbed North Korea's highest mountain. Kim Jong Un said all it took to climb that mountain was hard work, determination, and lying about climbing that mountain.” SaidHardLyingHard WorkMountainHighestDeterminationReportsClimbsClimbingKoreaNorth KoreaKim Author:Jimmy Fallon
“In a new interview, the president discussed the upcoming election. He said that Hillary Clinton is going to do great as a presidential candidate. When asked how Biden would do, Obama said, 'Hillary's going to do great.'” SaidPresidentElectionClintonPresidentialCandidatesInterviewsPresidential CandidateBiden Author:Jimmy Fallon
“John McCain addressed critics who believe he will be too old to run for a sixth term in the Senate, saying that he's still healthy and ready to go. Then people around McCain said, 'Why is he talking to that mannequin?'” PeopleBelieveSaidStillsRunningTermTalkingReadyHealthyCriticsSenateMccain Author:Jimmy Fallon
“A massive power outage in Washington, D.C., today affected a number of federal buildings, including the White House. When asked when they could restore power to the White House, officials said, '2016?'” SaidTodayHouseWhiteNumbersBuildingIncludingOfficialsMassiveAffectedWhite House Author:Jimmy Fallon
“Jeb Bush is facing criticism after it was just revealed that he checked off his race as 'Hispanic' on a voter registration form back in 2009. When asked if he regrets it now, Bush said, 'Si.'” IfsSaidFormRaceRegretCriticismVotersHispanicRegistrationVoter Registration Author:Jimmy Fallon
“After months of negotiations, Iran has finally agreed to reduce its nuclear weapons program. Which was great until Putin showed up and said, 'Hi, I'm here about Craigslist ad for nukes.'” SaidMonthsWeaponsProgramNuclearIranAdsNuclear WeaponsNegotiationPutinNukesCraigslist Author:Jimmy Fallon