“Prince William's pregnant wife, Kate Middleton, is past her due date. Doctors may have to induce labor. To speed up the birth, doctors have been telling the baby, 'Come on out. You will never have to work a day in your life.'” MayHas BeensPastWifeBabyBirthLaborDoctorsDuesSpeedPregnantKateDue DatePregnant Wife Author:Conan O'Brien
“A new Republican Congress is taking over. Sen. Ted Cruz has been appointed tooverseeing NASA in Congress. He says he wants NASA to focus on finding aliens so he can deport them.” WantHas BeensFocusRepublicanFindingsCongressAliensNasaCruz Author:Conan O'Brien
“Iran may have attacked ISIS. Do you know how long it's been since I have been able to wear my "Go Iran" T-shirt?” KnowsMayLongHas BeensAbleKnow HowShirtsIranDo You KnowT ShirtIsis Author:Conan O'Brien
“The Secret Service said there have been 40 fence-jumping incidents at the White House in the past five years. Half of them were intruders trying to get in. The other half was President Obama trying to get out.” TryingYearsHas BeensSaidPastHousePresidentWhiteSecretHalfFiveFive YearsWhite HousePresident ObamaFenceJumpingIncidentsOther HalfSecret ServiceIntruders Author:Conan O'Brien
“For the first time ever, a black Republican woman has been elected to Congress. President Obama told her, 'You are all set. This country never turns against a black anything.'” FirstsHas BeensCountryTurnsBlackPresidentRepublicanFirst TimeCongressPresident Obama Author:Conan O'Brien
“Some people are saying that the reason Michael Phelps isn't doing so well is because he let himself get too out of shape. I just have to say that I have been watching the Olympics, and if that guy is out of shape, I have been dead for five years.” PeopleIfsYearsWellsHas BeensReasonFunnyGuyFiveShapesFive YearsOlympicsThat GuyLondon Olympics Author:Conan O'Brien
“It's been reported that some of Arnold Schwarzenegger's opponents have been circulating naked pictures of Arnold on the Internet. Yeah, in a related story, Arnold is leading the other candidates by four inches.” Has BeensStoriesFourInternetYeahNakedRelatedOpponentsCandidatesInchesSchwarzenegger Author:Conan O'Brien
“It has been reported that Rudolph Giuliani has trademarked the name 'Rudolph Giuliani' so other candidates can't use his name in negative campaign ads. ... For similar reasons, Hillary Clinton has trademarked the words 'ballbuster,' 'castrater,' and 'nutcruncher.'” Has BeensReasonUseNamesNegativeClintonCampaignsCandidatesAdsRudolphCampaign Ads Author:Conan O'Brien
“During last night's Republican debate, Mike Huckabee got a big laugh when he said that Congress has been spending money like John Edwards at a beauty salon. Then Huckabee got an even bigger laugh when he said he's running for president” Has BeensSaidBigsRunningLastsNightPresidentLaughingRepublicanBiggerCongressSpendingDebateLast NightMikeSpending MoneySalonsBeauty Salon Author:Conan O'Brien
“In Iraq, four American soldiers have been arrested and charged with stealing a million dollars cash. After hearing about it the Fox network announced plans for a new reality show called 'GI Joe Millionaire.'” Has BeensShowsRealityMillionsFourPlansDollarsSoldierIraqHearingStealingCashFoxesMillionaireArrestedMillion DollarsReality ShowsAmerican SoldierGis Author:Conan O'Brien
“After making insulting remarks about Mexicans, Donald Trump has been kicked off of NBC and Univision. On the bright side, Trump's hair has a new show on Animal Planet.” Has BeensShowsSidesAnimalPlanetsHairTrumpRemarksInsultingBright SideNbc Author:Conan O'Brien
“A group of protesters who are very unhappy at the rapid expansion of Starbucks have been repeatedly smashing the windows of a Starbucks store in Maine. Customers say it's been really inconvenient because, several times now, they've had to use the Starbucks across the street.” Has BeensUseGroupsStreetsWindowCustomersStoresUnhappyExpansionRapidsInconvenientStarbucksMaineSmashing Author:Conan O'Brien
“After hearing that he has been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize, Putin said, 'Tell me who the other nominees are - and I will eliminate them.'” Has BeensSaidHearingPrizePutinNobelNobel Peace Prize Author:Conan O'Brien
“It was reported today that the machine on board the International Space Station that turns urine into drinking water has been fixed. After hearing this, an astronaut said, 'Wait. You mean that wasn't lemon Tang?'” MeanHas BeensSaidTodayTurnsWaitingWaterSpaceMachinesDrinkingInternationalHearingFixedBoardsStationsAstronautLemonsDrinking WaterInternational Space Station Author:Conan O'Brien
“North Korean leader Kim Jong Un has been awarded the highest rank in the country's military. The decision was praised by everyone from Parliamentary leader Kim Jong Un to opposition leader Kim Jong Un.” Has BeensCountryDecisionLeaderMilitaryHighestOppositionNorth KoreaKoreanKimParliamentaryNorth Korean Author:Conan O'Brien
“Tom Cruise's attorney said he is going to sue anyone who claims he is gay. In a related story, Ricky Martin's attorney has been hospitalized for exhaustion.” Has BeensSaidStoriesGayClaimsRelatedTomsAttorneyExhaustionCruiseSuing Author:Conan O'Brien
“According to a new survey, 40 percent of adults in Mexico say they would move to the United States if they got a chance. The number would have been higher, but the other 60 percent already live here.” IfsHas BeensStatesMovingChanceUnitedNumbersUnited StatesHigherPercentAdultsMexicoSurveys Author:Conan O'Brien
“The hockey lockout of 1994 - 1995 has been settled. They have stopped bickering... and can now get down to some serious bloodshed!” Has BeensSeriousHockeyNhlBloodshedIce HockeyBickering Author:Conan O'Brien
“Arnold Schwarzenegger has been offered a role in a sequel to 'The Terminator.' In this one he travels back in time and kills the person who suggested he run for governor.” PersonsHas BeensRunningRolesGovernorsSequelsBack In TimeSchwarzenegger Author:Conan O'Brien
“Today, former President Bill Clinton met with North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il and convinced him to release two American journalists that have been jailed since March. Isn't that great? This is big, yeah. Or as Clinton calls it, another Asian happy ending.” Has BeensTwoBigsTodayPresidentMetsYeahBillsClintonConvincedReleaseFormerJournalistMarchDictatorAsianHappy EndingsNorth KoreaKoreanKimNorth KoreanPresident Bill Clinton Author:Conan O'Brien
“In the press this week, NBC has been calling me every name in the book. In fact, they think I'm such an idiot they now want me to run the network.” ThinkingWantHas BeensBookFactsRunningNamesWeekCallingPressesIdiotWant MeNbc Author:Conan O'Brien
“In the news, Chinese president Hu Jintao says that now that Barack Obama has been elected, he is looking forward to taking the relationship between China and the U.S. to the next level. That's what he said. Yeah. Then he said, 'Who knows, maybe we'll even go all the way.'” KnowsWayHas BeensSaidNextPresidentLevelsNewsYeahChinaBarackChineseLooking ForwardNext Level Author:Conan O'Brien
