“Tax day was yesterday. And marijuana growers are complaining that they can't write off a single expense thanks to federal laws. Well, apparently someone tried to claim the Phish tour as his home office and that's not going to happen.” WritingWellsHomeHappensLawTaxesOfficeClaimsComplainingYesterdayThanksExpensesMarijuanaTax DayHome OfficePhish Author:Conan O'Brien
“Hillary Clinton announced she's running for president. Yesterday in Ohio, Hillary popped into a Chipotle and she ordered a burrito bowl with chips and salsa. And on her way out she said, 'That locks down the Hispanic vote.'” WaySaidRunningPresidentVoteClintonYesterdayBowlsLocksChipsOhioHispanicSalsaBurritosChipotleChips And Salsa Author:Conan O'Brien
“Yesterday during a speech on national security, Jeb Bush mispronounced Boko Haram and got confused between Iran and Iraq. When reached for comment, his brother George W. said, 'He sure sounds presidentiary to me.'” SaidSoundSecurityBrotherSpeechIraqYesterdayConfusedIranCommentNational SecurityBoko HaramHaram Author:Conan O'Brien
“President Obama said the small drone that flew over the White House fence yesterday could be bought at any RadioShack. After hearing this, the RadioShack CEO said, 'I'm shocked to find out we still sell something people want.'” PeopleWantSaidStillsHousePresidentWhiteSellsHearingYesterdayWhite HousePresident ObamaCeoShockedFenceFlewDrones Author:Conan O'Brien
“Yesterday the DEA raided several NFL teams suspected of giving prescription painkillers to their players. In its defense, the New York Jets' doctor said, 'We don't give painkillers to our players. We give them to our fans.'” GivingSaidPlayerTeamFansNew YorkDoctorsDefenseYesterdayNflJetPrescriptionsPainkillers Author:Conan O'Brien
“The Republican Party had a big day in yesterday's midterm elections and now controls the House and Senate. And don't ask me how this happened, but the Republican Party also gained control of three seats in our show's band.” ShowsBigsThreeAsksHousePartyHappenedRepublicanBandElectionYesterdayAsk MeSeatsSenateRepublican PartyMidtermsMidterm Elections Author:Conan O'Brien
“Yesterday was the New York City Marathon. The marathon was won in record time by a Democrat candidate running away from President Obama.” RunningPresidentCitiesRecordsNew YorkDemocratYesterdayCandidatesNew York CityPresident ObamaRunning AwayMarathon Author:Conan O'Brien
“Yesterday Michael Phelps set an all-time Olympic record for most medals. Phelps has so much gold on his chest he's been asked to join the cast of 'Jersey Shore.'” FunnyRecordsGoldCastsYesterdayAll TimeChestsShoreOlympicsMedalJerseyLondon OlympicsJersey Shore Author:Conan O'Brien
“Olympic organizers are reportedly struggling to fill rows and rows of empty seats. Empty seats! In fact, yesterday officials put out a casting call asking for 200 Europeans or eight Americans.” FactsFunnyStruggleEmptyAskingEightYesterdayOfficialsSeatsOlympicsCastingOrganizerLondon OlympicsEmpty Seats Author:Conan O'Brien
“Yesterday, Arnold Schwarzenegger announced he would run for governor of California. The announcement was good news for Florida residents who now live in the second flakiest state in the country.” CountryStatesRunningNewsYesterdayCaliforniaGovernorsFloridaGood NewsResidentsAnnouncementsSchwarzenegger Author:Conan O'Brien
“Yesterday, Attorney General John Ashcroft had surgery to remove his gall bladder. Doctors say the surgery was difficult because Ashcroft refused to take his clothes off.” DifficultClothesDoctorsYesterdayRemoveSurgeryAttorneyBladder Author:Conan O'Brien
“Presidential campaign getting kind of ugly, did you hear about this? Yesterday, a 27-year-old woman came for to deny rumors that she had an affair with Democratic front-runner John Kerry. The woman added, 'I would never cheat on Bill Clinton.'” YearsKindFrontsBillsDemocraticClintonAffairUglyDenyCampaignsYesterdayPresidentialCheatRunnersRumorOld WomanJohn KerryPresidential CampaignNever Cheat Author:Conan O'Brien
“Yesterday the IRS announced that obese Americans are entitled to certain tax breaks. Apparently, under the new rules, you're allowed to claim two or more chins as dependents.” TwoCertainBreakTaxesClaimsYesterdayEntitledChinsIrsObeseTax Breaks Author:Conan O'Brien
“California has gone insane. According to the latest poll, Arnold Schwarzenegger is leading in California's governor's race by 34 points. You can tell that Governor Gray Davis is worried because he spent all day yesterday working on his pecs.” RaceGoneYesterdayInsaneWorriedCaliforniaGrayGovernorsPollsSchwarzenegger Author:Conan O'Brien
“Tough times for Martha Stewart. Yesterday, Martha Stewart reported to her parole officer and had to take a mandatory urine test for cocaine and marijuana. Martha was found to be drug-free and her urine was found to be a lovely yellow saffron.” FoundDrugToughTestsYesterdayLovelyOfficersYellowMarijuanaTough TimesCocaineParoleSaffronDrug Free Author:Conan O'Brien
“Donald Trump insisted yesterday that he is not racist, because one time an African-American won Apprentice. Because nothing says 'not racist' like making a black man run your errands.” MenRunningBlackTrumpYesterdayAfrican AmericanRacistOne TimeApprenticeErrands Author:Conan O'Brien
“Gary Busey said on the Today Show yesterday that Donald Trump would make a great President. Now Trump just needs endorsements from Randy Quaid and Charlie Sheen.” NeedsSaidShowsTodayPresidentTrumpYesterdayCharlieGaryEndorsementsRandyGreat PresidentsQuaid Author:Conan O'Brien
“Yesterday in Egypt, archaeologists discovered the burial site for the 50 children of Ramses II...Fifty children! What I want to know is, who decided to name a condom after this guy?” KnowsWantChildrenGuyNamesDecidedYesterdayFiftySiteEgyptThis GuyCondomBurialArchaeologists Author:Conan O'Brien
“Yesterday, after the Thanksgiving parade, Donald Trump appeared at Macy's to promote his new line of fragrances and business suits. Unfortunately, there were high winds and Trump's hair nearly killed two people.” PeopleTwoLinesWindHairTrumpYesterdaySuitsFragranceParadesMacy's Author:Conan O'Brien
“In West Virginia yesterday, a man was arrested for stealing several blow-up dolls. Reportedly, police didn't have any trouble catching the man because he was completely out of breath.” MenTroubleBreathsPoliceWestBlowYesterdayStealingCatchingArrestedDollsVirginiaWest Virginia Author:Conan O'Brien
“Yesterday, the Pentagon warned U.S. reporters that they should get out of Baghdad as soon as possible because the U.S. could attack at any time. Then the Pentagon added, 'Whatever you do, don't tell Geraldo.'” ShouldYesterdayReportersBaghdadPentagon Author:Conan O'Brien
“Yesterday, President Obama prank-called a Washington radio station, calling himself 'Barry from D.C.' Then, just to mess with him, Obama called Glenn Beck's radio show as 'B. Hussein from Kenya.'” ShowsPresidentCallingRadioYesterdayMessStationsPresident ObamaHusseinKenyaRadio StationsPranks Author:Conan O'Brien
“Yesterday, voters in the state of Maine voted no to gay marriage, but yes to medical marijuana. That's right, people in Maine believe marriage should be a sacred institution between a really stoned man and a really stoned woman.” PeopleMenShouldBelieveStatesGayInstitutionsSacredMedicalYesterdayVotersMarijuanaGay MarriageMaineMedical Marijuana Author:Conan O'Brien
“Yesterday, the country of Kosovo unveiled an 11-foot tall statue of former President Clinton. Yeah. That's right. The Clinton statue is so life-like, it's already been slapped 12 times.” CountryPresidentFeetYeahClintonYesterdayFormerTallStatuesPresident ClintonKosovo Author:Conan O'Brien
“President Obama gave a speech about healthcare tonight, and yesterday he gave a pep talk to students. He told them that in order to succeed they need to work hard and study hard. Then today, former President George W. Bush presented the rebuttal.” NeedsHardTodayOrderPresidentStudyStudentsHard WorkSucceedSpeechYesterdayFormerTonightPresident ObamaHealthcarePresident George W BushPepOrder To SucceedPep TalkRebuttal Author:Conan O'Brien
“Barry Bonds in the news. Yesterday Barry Bonds' agent said that Bonds could hit as many as 1,000 home runs. And the agent admitted he's on more drugs than Barry Bonds.” SaidHomeRunningDrugNewsYesterdayAgentsHome Run Author:Conan O'Brien
