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Conan O'Brien

Conan O'Brien Books

Talk show host

Conan O'Brien, born on April 18, 1963, is a renowned talk show host from the United States. Known for his unique sense of humor and engaging interaction with audiences, he has hosted several popular talk show programs.

The World's Worst Assistant

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“There is nothing more liberating than having your worst fear realized.”

Author:Conan O'Brien

“Eventually, all our graves go unattended.”

Death Remembered Nihilism Nothing Matters

Author:Conan O'Brien

“Mein Assistent findet das Streben nach dem göttlichen griechischen Staat Arete „lahm“ und sollte „einen Schwanz essen“. - Conan O'Brien”

Conano Brien Sonamovsesian

Book:The World's Worst Assistant

Source: The World's Worst Assistant

“No charm, no humor, no wit -- and a personality which can only be described as 'icky.' .”

Personality Wit Charm

Author:Conan O'Brien

“There's no cure for getting depressed. There's no cure for self-loathing or periods of it. But figure out enough about it so that when it happens, you can get over it and keep moving and just accomplish more.”

Self Enough Happens Moving Figures Periods Accomplish Cures Over It Get Over Keep Moving Loathing Self Loathing

Author:Conan O'Brien

“Martha Stewart showed up at Manhattan FBI Headquarters to have her finger prints taken and pose for a mug shot. Then Martha explained how to get ink off your fingers using seltzer water and lemon juice.”

Water Taken Shots Fingers Print Ink Juice Fbi Manhattan Lemons Mug Headquarters Lemon Juice

Author:Conan O'Brien

“Some McDonald's restaurants are taking reservations on Valentine's Day. They are getting a lot of tables for one.”

Tables Restaurants Valentine Valentine's Day Mcdonalds Reservations

Author:Conan O'Brien

“I think in future people will take television in eyedrop form. All media will be in eyedrops.”

People Thinking Form Media Television

Author:Conan O'Brien

“Lindsey Graham is now the seventh Republican running for president. If you're keeping score, that's basically one Republican candidate for every two Republican voters.”

Ifs Two Running President Republican Candidates Score Voters

Author:Conan O'Brien

“Over the weekend, Vladimir Putin scored eight goals during a hockey game. It happened just after he had the goalie executed.”

Games Goal Happened Eight Hockey Weekend Putin Goalies

Author:Conan O'Brien

“I can't wait for the Republican debates to start and there's literally 65 guys on one stage.”

I Can Guy Waiting Stage Republican Debate

Author:Conan O'Brien

“The U.S. unemployment rate is the lowest it's been in nearly seven years. The job sector that has seen the most growth is in the field of Republican presidential candidates.”

Years Jobs Growth Fields Republican Seven Rate Presidential Candidates Unemployment Lowest Seven Years Presidential Candidate Unemployment Rate

Author:Conan O'Brien

“A new report reveals that New Jersey Governor Chris Christie spent over $82,000 on food at NFL games. Christie said, 'Hey, both of those games went into overtime.'”

Said Games Hey Nfl Reports Governors Jersey New Jersey Christie Nfl Games

Author:Conan O'Brien

“Today Secretary of State John Kerry visited the small African nation of Djibouti. Or to use the official diplomatic term, he made a Djibouti call.”

Made States Use Today Nations Term Officials Secretary Diplomatic John Kerry

Author:Conan O'Brien

“The birth certificate of the royal baby lists her parents' occupations as being 'the prince and princess of the United Kingdom.' It says that under occupation, which I guess sounds better than 'unemployed.'”

Parent Sound United Baby Birth Lists Kingdoms Occupation Princess Royal Unemployed Certificates United Kingdom Birth Certificate

Author:Conan O'Brien

“North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un reportedly has had 15 of his top officials executed. So the lesson here is when Kim Jong Un comes to work with a new haircut, you tell him, 'Looking good, Un.'”

Lessons Officials Dictator Looking Good North Korea Korean Haircuts Kim North Korean New Haircut

Author:Conan O'Brien

“A new presidential poll reveals that Democrats have the edge among voters under 30. The good news for Republicans is that there's only six people under 30 who actually vote.”

People Republican Six News Vote Democrat Edges Presidential Voters Good News Polls

Author:Conan O'Brien

“A new study reveals that one-third of babies in the U.S. have used a smartphone. Yeah, and one-third of babies in China have MADE a smartphone.”

Made Used Study Baby Thirds Yeah China Smartphones

Author:Conan O'Brien

“Prince William's pregnant wife, Kate Middleton, is past her due date. Doctors may have to induce labor. To speed up the birth, doctors have been telling the baby, 'Come on out. You will never have to work a day in your life.'”

May Has Beens Past Wife Baby Birth Labor Doctors Dues Speed Pregnant Kate Due Date Pregnant Wife

Author:Conan O'Brien

“The big story is Bruce Jenner. In last week's interview, Jenner said he's a woman who is transitioning his body from male to female, and he's also a conservative Republican. Bruce said he looks forward to bashing Obamacare as soon as he finishes using it.”

Looks Said Stories Body Bigs Lasts Week Republican Female Males Conservative Interviews Obamacare

Author:Conan O'Brien

“A U.N. study claims the happiest country in the world is Switzerland. When asked why they're so happy, Swiss people couldn't answer because their hands were counting money and their mouths were full of chocolate.”

People World Country Hands Answers Study Mouths Claims Chocolate Counting Switzerland Swiss

Author:Conan O'Brien

“Tax day was yesterday. And marijuana growers are complaining that they can't write off a single expense thanks to federal laws. Well, apparently someone tried to claim the Phish tour as his home office and that's not going to happen.”

Writing Wells Home Happens Law Taxes Office Claims Complaining Yesterday Thanks Expenses Marijuana Tax Day Home Office Phish

Author:Conan O'Brien

“Hillary Clinton is making income inequality a central theme in her campaign. Yeah, for example, today she pointed out that her husband makes $300 million a year. She has to get by on $200 million a year, and that's not fair.”

Years Today Millions Example Husband Fairs Yeah Clinton Campaigns Income Inequality Theme Not Fair Income Inequality

Author:Conan O'Brien

“Hillary Clinton is trying an entirely different approach with Iowa than the one she tried eight years ago when she lost there. She will not start speeches by saying, 'Hello, Iowa, or Idaho, or whichever one you are.'”

Trying Years Different Lost Speech Approach Years Ago Clinton Eight Hello Iowa Idaho Different Approach Saying Hello

Author:Conan O'Brien

“It's April 15, tax day. The federal tax code is over 74,000 pages long. But stick with it because after page 72,000, it gets really good.”

Long Taxes Pages Sticks Code April Get Real Tax Day Federal Taxes

Author:Conan O'Brien

“Governor Chris Christie says if he's president, he will crack down on the sale of marijuana. However, that was before he was told it also comes in a brownie.”

Ifs President Cracks Marijuana Governors Christie Brownies

Author:Conan O'Brien

“Hillary Clinton announced she's running for president. Yesterday in Ohio, Hillary popped into a Chipotle and she ordered a burrito bowl with chips and salsa. And on her way out she said, 'That locks down the Hispanic vote.'”

Way Said Running President Vote Clinton Yesterday Bowls Locks Chips Ohio Hispanic Salsa Burritos Chipotle Chips And Salsa

Author:Conan O'Brien

“Jeb Bush welcomed his fourth grandchild. The new Bush grandchild is happy, healthy, and will be running for president in 2048.”

Running President Healthy Fourth Grandchildren

Author:Conan O'Brien

“Hillary Clinton is not the first woman to run for president. That title belongs to Victoria Woodhull, who ran for president in 1872. Her running mate was a young, scrappy John McCain.”

Firsts Running Young President Clinton Titles Ran Mates Mccain Victoria

Author:Conan O'Brien

“Hillary Clinton is now driving from New York to Iowa. It's been called the least-exciting spring break trip in history.”

Break New York Spring Exciting Clinton Driving Iowa Spring Break

Author:Conan O'Brien

“Marco Rubio announced he's running for president. Fun fact: Marco Rubio's wife is a former Miami Dolphins cheerleader. In other words, she knows how to generate fake enthusiasm for someone who's not going to win.”

Knows Facts Running Winning Fun President Know How Wife Enthusiasm Former Fake Miami Dolphins Marcos Cheerleader Miami Dolphins

Author:Conan O'Brien

“A new report says that dogs can sniff out prostate cancer with almost 98 percent accuracy. The report also finds that cats can sniff it out with 100 percent accuracy but they prefer to watch you die.”

Dies Watches Dog Percent Cat Cancer Reports Accuracy Prostate Prostate Cancer

Author:Conan O'Brien

“In a recent interview, Michelle Obama said that the Secret Service taught Malia how to drive. In exchange, Malia taught the Secret Service how to throw a party when her parents are away.”

Said Parent Party Secret Taught Interviews Secret Service

Author:Conan O'Brien

“The campaign to put a woman on the $20 bill has narrowed the choices down to four finalists. The four finalists are Rosa Parks, Harriet Tubman, Eleanor Roosevelt, and Flo from the Progressive Insurance ads.”

Choices Four Bills Campaigns Parks Progressive Ads Eleanor Rosa

Author:Conan O'Brien

“Election officials say that in 2016, it may be possible to vote for the president on your smartphone. Can you imagine that? With one swipe you can choose a president and at the same time tell him or her where you want to hook up.”

Want May President Imagine Vote Election Officials Imagine That Hook Smartphones Hook Up

Author:Conan O'Brien

“The top 15 contenders for the Republican nomination own at least 40 guns among them. If we elect a Republican president no one is hopping over the White House fence ever again.”

Ifs House President White Republican Gun White House Fence Nominations Hopping

Author:Conan O'Brien

“Today was the annual Easter egg roll on the White House lawn. Usually when you see something rolling on the White House lawn it's a drunk Secret Service agent.”

Today House White Secret Drunk Agents Eggs White House Rolling Easter Lawns Annuals Secret Service Easter Egg Egg Rolls

Author:Conan O'Brien

“On Easter, the Pope asked for peace in the Middle East. There are two groups the Pope has to contend with - Jewish people and Muslims. They couldn't wait to hear his suggestions.”

People Two Waiting Groups Middle East Middle East Pope Suggestions Easter

Author:Conan O'Brien

“Indiana's governor is coming under fire for a new law that some people feel is anti-gay. The governor now says he is not anti-gay. Then immediately afterwards he said, 'April Fools.' It wasn't his best joke.”

People Feels Said Law Fire Fool Gay Jokes Governors April Indiana April Fools Anti Gay

Author:Conan O'Brien

“Texas senator and tea party favorite Ted Cruz announced he's running for president. He pledged to lead America boldly forward into the 1950s.”

Running America President Party Tea Texas Senators Tea Party Cruz

Author:Conan O'Brien

“People are questioning if Ted Cruz can legally run for president because he was born in Canada. And the last thing we want to do is pave the way for a President Bieber.”

People Ifs Way Want Running Lasts President Born Canada Questioning Cruz

Author:Conan O'Brien

“President Obama filled out his March Madness bracket. You can tell Obama's mind is elsewhere because his top two picks were Israel and Iran.”

Mind Two President Picks Madness Filled Israel Iran March President Obama Elsewhere Brackets Filled Out

Author:Conan O'Brien

“President Obama has decided that he wants his presidential library to be in Chicago, not Hawaii. Today Hawaii's governor said, 'Great, who's going to want to come to Hawaii now?'”

Want Said Today President Decided Library Presidential Chicago President Obama Governors Hawaii

Author:Conan O'Brien

“The prime minister of Ireland will be celebrating St. Patrick's Day at the White House. So finally the Secret Service agents will have a drinking buddy.”

House White Secret Drinking Celebrate Agents Ministers White House Prime Ireland Prime Minister Buddy Secret Service St Patrick St Patrick's Day Drinking Buddy

Author:Conan O'Brien

“Texas Senator Ted Cruz said if elected president he would abolish the Department of Education. But not to worry. He promised to replace it with the less expensive Bureau of Book Learning.”

Ifs Said Book President Worry Expensive Department Texas Senators Abolish Cruz Book Learning

Author:Conan O'Brien

“It's rumored that Arnold Schwarzenegger's son is cheating on his girlfriend Miley Cyrus. After hearing about it Arnold said, 'That's my boy.'”

Said Boys Son Hearing Girlfriend Cheating My Boys Schwarzenegger Miley

Author:Conan O'Brien

“Russia's Vladimir Putin appeared in public for the first time after a mysterious 10-day absence. Putin said it took him that long to recover from the finale of 'The Bachelor.'”

Firsts Long Said First Time Absence Russia Mysterious Putin Bachelors Finale

Author:Conan O'Brien

“Jeb Bush is getting his presidential campaign in gear. Last week he said he supports a path to citizenship for immigrants. He said, 'I believe in an America where hard work and dedication can lead to any job that your brother and dad once had.'”

“Some people are saying Bill O'Reilly exaggerated his war experience in the 1980s. People became suspicious because O'Reilly said he was injured in the East Coast/West Coast rap wars.”

People Said War Bills West Rap East Coast Suspicious Injured Exaggerated West Coast East Coast Bill O Reilly

Author:Conan O'Brien

“During her Oscar acceptance speech, Patricia Arquette called for equal pay for women. Then Oprah stood up and said, 'She's right, I can't live like this. I can't take another second of this living hell.'”

Said I Can Pay Hell Acceptance Equal Speech Oscars Stood Up Equal Pay Acceptance Speech

Author:Conan O'Brien

About the Author

Born: April 18, 1963
Known for: Talk show host
Quotes: 476

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